Bill Maher: Now it's time—you were very, very good to stay for us—New Rules!
Just because you're drunk and it's October, it doesn't make it Octoberfest. When you drink in November, it's not Novemberfest. It's just Thanksgiving and you hate your relatives. Besides, we already know what happens when people get drunk and start acting like Germans. [slide of Mel Gibson's mug shot] Suddenly controversial.
New Rule: You can't make me dress like PeeWee Herman. According to the New York Times, this is the hottest look in men's fashion. From the waist up, it says Wall Street; from the waist down, it says, "Hurricane Katrina." Let me tell you something. This "exposed sock" look is never going to fly in Hollywood, because that's where we keep our weed.
New Rule: Banks must stop putting up Halloween decorations and open up another teller window. You're a bank, not a college dorm room. Your service charges are scary enough. And while we're at it, stop trying to make my supermarket look like an old-fashioned farmstand. We get it. It's fall. And so now the floor is now made of wood and the fruit is stacked in hay. But the other day, my cart got stuck in a steaming pile of horsesh!t.
New Rule: Stop pretending this is an exercise machine. [slide of Japanese horseback simulation machine, JOBA] The newest fitness craze in Japan is the JOBA, a horseback simulation machine. Doesn't anyone in that country just fuck anymore?
And finally, New Rule, in two parts: A) You can't call yourself a think tank if all your ideas are stupid. And B), if you're someone from one of the think tanks that dreamed up the Iraq War, and who predicted that we'd be greeted as liberators, and that we wouldn't need a lot of troops, and that Iraqi oil would pay for the war, that the WMD's would be found, that the looting wasn't problematic, and the mission was accomplished, that the insurgency was in its last throes, that things would get better after the people voted, after the government was formed, after we got Saddam, after we got his kids, after we got Zarqawi, and that the whole bloody mess wouldn't turn into a civil war...you have to stop making predictions!
You know, there's a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time: husbands. You know, it's a shame what happened to think tanks. They used to produce valuable, apolitical analysis. But partisanship crept into many of them. And the Bush Administration doesn't just come up with something as stupid as "If we leave now, they'll follow us home." No, they have someone from a think tank say it first. It's a way to lend respectability. The same reason a titty bar has food. I hear.
The think tanks that incubated the Iraq war have lofty names like the Heritage Foundation and the Project for a New American Century. Whatever. They've been wrong so often, I'm surprised they're not my broker. Richard Perle thought we could win Iraq with 40,000 troops. Paul Wolfowitz predicted, in 2003, that within a year, the grateful people of Baghdad would name some grand square in their fine city after President Bush. And he was right when he said they'd be waving American flags. They were on fire.
William Kristol pooh-poohed the fears that Sunnis and Shiites would be at each others' throats, as "the stuff of pop psychology." Right. And having your head chopped off is just a quick way to drop 11 pounds. Kristol, of course, is revered by much of the right because he was Dan Quayle's chief of staff, and was known as "Quayle's Brain." You know that. Which sounded impressive until I remembered Dan Quayle didn't have a brain.
And now, Mr. Kristol proposes immediate military action against Iran, predicting the Iranians will thank us for it. Hey, you know what, Nostrodamus? Why don't you sit this one out?
We'll get by using the Magic Eight Ball for a while. Because you guys have been so wrong about so much for so long, people are actually turning to the Democrats. So, we can say Iraq was a noble experiment, if that helps you. Our intention was good: to penetrate Iraq and bring it to a glorious, euphoric climax. But it's clear now that's just not going to happen. And yet we're still pounding away.
Causing the whole area to become painfully inflamed. And in that situation, the kindest thing you can do is...just pull out.
On Gay Republicans
U.S. Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA): I think there's a right to privacy. But the right to privacy should not be a right to hypocrisy. And people who want to demonize other people shouldn't then be able to go home and close the door and do it themselves.
Jason Alexander: Bottom line, I haven't had a series that's run since Bush came into office.
On the Economy
David Kuo: There are five million more poor people in America today. There are more people hungry in America today than there were in 2001. And yet, the White House goes around touting how much it's done on compassion. And that's a facade.
Referring to Kim Jong Il
Governor William Blaine "Bill" Richardson: He has a-million-and-a-half troops. He's got missiles pointed at South Korea. So he's dangerous. Now, the point is, how do you deal with him? We have not talked to him. We do it through the Chinese. We outsource our foreign policy to the Chinese.
Bill Maher: It's not terrorists we're talking about. It's people accused of terrorism. I think law enforcement are the good guys. I think the military are the good guys. But they're not the perfect guys. They make mistakes.
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