Richard Clarke: I worked for the first President Bush as well as this one. We had troops in Iraq in 1991. We sat around in the White House Situation Room and said, should we go to Baghdad? And Scowcroft, his national security advisor, and Cheney, who was the defense secretary at the time, said, 'Take over Iraq? That would be a really stupid idea.' Well, it's still a really stupid idea.
Bill Maher: After we went in, I said, okay, this is my country; we did this; let's see how it works. And in 2003, when we were first there, I said, 'Give it a chance.' I didn't even call it a mistake. By 2004, it was mistake. Then it was a fiasco. Then it was a quagmire. And now, it is a scandal. Someone has to tell me who we're fighting for there, because it's not for the Shiites, it's not for the Sunnis, it's not for the Kurds.
John Kerry: We have a Katrina foreign policy. I mean, how can these guys possibly protect the United States of America from terrorists when they can't even protect us from Congressman Mark Foley? These people are incompetent. I've never seen anything like it.
Bill Maher: You're going to enjoy New Rules now, everybody.
Robin Williams: Yeah!
Maher: New Rules! Okay, New Rule: Republicans - Republicans must get honest about why they oppose stem cell research.
Williams: [speaking Spanish as if translating Maher's New Rule]
Ileana Ros-Lehtinen: That's for my Miami audience.
Maher: Oh, this is going to be a long New Rules.
Williams: [speaking French as if translating "stem cell" New Rule]
Maher: It's not because a frozen speck on a microscope slide constitutes life. It's because stem cell research shows promise in restoring spinal cord tissue, and that could help the Democrats. Come on, give me one on that. [He bumps knuckles with Ros-Lehtinen] Come on.
Williams: Oprah! Be there!
Maher: New Rule: President Bush's dog Barney has to run away from home. President Bush has said he won't pull out of Iraq even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting him. And we know Laura isn't going to leave. Which means the country is depending on you, Barney! Run, boy, run!
Maher: Besides, President Bush doesn't love you anymore. He's found a new pet who'll roll over on command. [slide shown of Bush embracing John McCain] [audience reacts]
Maher: New Rule: When you screw up royally and attribute your behavior to alcoholism, then mental illness, and then claim you were molested as a child, you have to just say, "Screw it," and keep going and say you were also beaten dyslexic, babysat by John Mark Karr, wore hand-me-down clothes, got picked last in kickball, turned tricks for money, lived out of a van, had superfluous nipples and got sent back to Cuba by Janet Reno.
New Rule: Stop telling me to go to your website for "more on the story." We're both here now. Why don't you tell me the whole story? You tease. How would you like it if I climaxed first and said, "For more on your orgasm, go to that contraption in your panty drawer."
And finally, New Rule: Since we can't get the lobbyists out of the capitol, we're going to have to move the capitol to someplace lobbyists would never set foot in, like Bed-Stuy or South Central, or a public golf course. It's not as crazy as it sounds, because that's how Washington got moved here in the first place. America's capitol had been in Philadelphia, and then New York. But it was deliberately moved to a swamp in far-off Virginia in order to separate lawmaking from the moneyed interests. And okay, to keep Thomas Jefferson out of Harlem.
Williams: [as Sally Hemings] "You said I could be First Lady! Hm-mm-mm." "We'll get back to you in 90 years."
Maher: Now, don't get me wrong. I love Washington, D.C., and have such fond memories of all my years coming here and touring the monuments: Archibald's, Camelot, The Gold Club and the Spearmint Rhino. Oh, and speaking of the Rhino, if someone sees Harriet Myers, I was at her house last night and I left a small silver heart, a cross and my pants. And I'd like the cross back.
And Marion Barry, I'm sorry, but I ain't bankrollin' you no more, my brother. You've got to buy your own.
No, I love D.C. Where else can you see Robert Novak in his natural habitat? Hanging upside down from the rafters in an old barn.
But things have gotten out of hand down here. The ruling class needs to take stock and remember why you went into politics in the first place: not for the money, not for the power, but to do good, to help people because you love this country. And because no one would touch you in the private sector. Ooh, that hit a nerve. [Williams mimes typing and sending instant message]
Campaign cash has - campaign cash become nothing less than an addiction to politicians, and the first step to overcoming an addiction is to admit you're powerless. So if you're a Democrat, you're halfway home.
As President Bush, himself no stranger to beating an addiction, once said, "Denial ain't just a river in Libya." He's stupid. He's stupid.
Now, I'm aware that all this may be a bit jarring to you Washingtonians in that you're saying, "But, Bill, this isn't the time to move the nation's capitol around the country, aimlessly, endlessly, like Air Force One on 9/11." Okay, fine. But then at least agree that from now on, all lobbyists in Washington must dress like Jack Abramoff. [slide shown of Abramoff in fedora and trenchcoat] [Williams hums theme from "The Godfather"] This way, when you see your senator golfing with a guy in a black trenchcoat, you'll know what's up.
And if you're a politician, and if you get caught taking money from a lobbyist, you don't lose your office, but you have to dress like the whore that you are. [slide shown of Tom Delay in sexy drag]
All right. That's our show. I want to thank my guests, Richard Clarke, Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Robin Williams, Chris Matthews, Sen. Lincoln Chafee, Sen. John Kerry. And thank you, Nancy Geller. Thank you, everybody. Great job!
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