Bill Maher: All right, it's time for New Rules, ladies and gentlemen.
New Rule: The guy who wrote Why Do Men Have Nipples? must write another book called If You Care, Then You're Gay.
New Rule: You can only kill the number-two man in Al Qaeda once. According to the White House, we've killed the number-two man in Al Qaeda about nine times now. He's not a terrorist. It turns out he's a zombie. We're fighting them over in Transylvania so we don't have to fight them here.
New Rule: TV has to stop trying to make white people more paranoid than they already are. All the new fall dramas are based on the premise that the suburbs aren't filled with desperate housewives, they're filled with serial killers and aliens. Please, TV, stop freaking out the people in the 'burbs. That's how George Bush got elected! Folks, your neighbor isn't a serial killer; you're not going to be invaded by aliens; and your wife isn't f***ing the gardener. Well, two out of three ain't bad.
New Rule: No more millionaires in space. With the deficit skyrocketing and poverty spreading, maybe now isn't the best time to use your Bush tax cut to take a $20 million rocket ride. There's a more rewarding way to spend that kind of cash. Buy yourself a congressman.
New Rule: Women have to meet me halfway. How do you expect me to masturbate to your fashion magazines if I never know when I might see Donatella Versace. Not very dignified at all, Mr. Rushdie, no.
Salman Rushdie: No.
Ben Affleck: Is this the free speech this man put his life on the line for?! Bill Maher jerking off?!
Salman Rushdie: No, no, no. This is not free speech. This is cheap speech.
Bill Maher: And finally, New Rule: George Bush must meet some new people. You know, when Americans see their president giving every job to the same old cronies, they use words like "loyal to a fault" and "stubborn" and "close-minded," "lives in a bubble," "sock-puppet," "asshole." "Worst president ever." But they're missing the point. The problem isn't his political philosophy - "kill people and animals and take their gas" - the problem is he has to expand his circle of friends beyond his mom, Karen Hughes and the House of Saud. Which is why before George Bush makes another political appointment, he has to join Friendster.
This week, President Bush had to nominate a Supreme Court judge, and he picked the most qualified person within 30 feet of his office. Her qualifications: well, she is a lawyer and former commissioner of the Texas State Lottery. And she's seen every episode of "Judging Amy." Abortion, affirmative action, separation of church and state. Yeah, let's ask the lady who peddled scratch tickets to liquor stores.
Does he just go with the first person he sees? I wouldn't be surprised if Laura was his sister. Now, of course - I keep checking with him - of course, George Bush isn't the first politician to hand out graft gigs to his pals, but he doesn't seem to understand that that's what the bullshit jobs are for: ambassador to the Bahamas. The Recycling Czar. Head of the CIA. But George Bush puts stooges where they can do real damage: Director of FEMA? That guy from the horsie show is available. U.N. Ambassador? Dick Cheney knows a guy with a mustache and anger issues.
Supreme Court justice? Lady down the hall. Labor Secretary? The guy who helped me move that hooker's body at Yale could probably do it. You know - you know, Mr. President, when you got elected, we all figured you were no genius, but smart enough to hire qualified people. But it turns out you're just a dimwit who enjoys feeling superior. And the only way to accomplish that is to surround yourself with the likes of Mike Brown and Harriet Miers: Goober and Aunt Bea. Unspectacular souls who make you feel comfortable and unthreatened. Kind of like when Madonna used to hang out with Rosie O'Donnell.
Well, I hate to burst your bubble. But real friends are the ones who tell you the truth. They're also the ones who work hard so as not to embarrass you. These people who work for you aren't behaving like friends. They're behaving far worse. They're behaving...like family.
Yes, it's almost enough to make you miss the old pre-"honor and integrity" days. Because at least when Clinton talked about tapping the woman down the hall, he was just having sex with her.
All right, that's our show. You were a great crowd. I want to thank my terrific panel: Salman Rushdie, Ben Affleck, Andrew Sullivan, Kayla Williams and Ann Coulter. Thank you, folks. Good night. Good job.
Bill Maher: Well, I guess you heard, President Bush had a big choice that he had to make, and this week, he finally made up his mind. He's going to be Spider-Man for Halloween.
Ann Coulter (about Harriet Miers): This is the U.S. Supreme Court. It's the third branch of government. Yeah, we do want somebody qualified, surprisingly enough. And I'm second to no one in wanting Roe v. Wade overturned. But, you know, once that's done, there are other cases. And she is simply unqualified for the job. It's stunning that he would nominate her.
(about Harriet Miers):
Bill Maher: The first thing I don't understand about this is I reviewed some of the cases where other Supreme Court justices have recused themselves because they were too close to a case... How come this woman who has been George Bush's "bitch" -who calls him the most brilliant man she ever met - this is the one thing I know she's ever judged - why is this woman not recusing herself from the entire job?
Andrew Sullivan: I have to say it was nice to see Ann Coulter finally get it from George Bush. It was finally him telling her to go fuck herself. He doesn't care. He's the president. He had one accountability moment. It was November last year. She backed him. As far as I'm concerned, she can stick with it.
Bill Maher: And there's no secular voice. There's no voice of me in this Cabinet. Everyone who gets appointed has to be not just Christ-y, but "Super-Christ-y," "Double-Dog-Christ-y," "Twice-Born Christ-y."
Salman Rushdie: Well, I've been - I've been worrying about God a little bit lately. You know, it seems as if he's been lashing out, you know, destroying cities, annihilating places. And it seems like he's been in a bad mood, you know. And I think it has to do with the quality of lovers he's been getting. You know, if you look at the people who love God now, you know, if I was God, I'd need to destroy something.
Salman Rushdie: That old-fashioned philosopher Karl Marx used to say that religion was the opiate of the masses. Now it's the crystal meth of the masses.
Kayla Williams (about torture): You know, when I saw the incident that I saw, after it was over, I approached the non-commissioned officer in charge, and I said, 'You know, anyone that you have in there that is innocent is a terrorist by the time they walk out.' And he said he knew.
(response to a joke on George Bush's expense, where Maher shows a fake photo of a bruised Laura Bush, supposedly evidence of the alleged drinking habits of the president.)
Salman Rushdie: (gleefully) This is not free speech, this is cheap speech.
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