Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 4 Episode 14

September 1, 2006

Aired Friday 10:00 PM Sep 01, 2006 on HBO



  • Quotes

    • Bill Maher: All right, I have a date with a model after the show, so I'm going to have to cut off this discussion. You were a great panel. But it is now time for New Rules, everybody!

      New Rule: If the evil president of Iran wants to meet Bush one-on-one so badly, Bush should agree. But the Bush team should arrange to have the meeting in a clam bar in Little Italy. Have Clemenza tape a gun behind the toilet...Order the cannoli, then go to the men's room, get the revolver - oh, wait, who am I kidding? This numb-nuts will just screw it up. Send Cheney.

      New Rule: This is going to sound harsh, but it has to be said. Don't let your dog drive. This week, a woman in Mongolia crashed her car while trying to teach her dog to drive. And the worst part wasn't the accident. It was when the cops came and the dog blamed it on the Jews.

      New Rule: And I never thought I'd be saying this to an accused child-molester: [photo shown of John Mark Karr] "Pull down your pants!" At least a little. You know, below the nipples. If you don't want people to think you're a delusional retard, don't dress like this guy. [photo of Martin Short as Ed Grimley shown]

      And while we're on the subject, New Rule: Don't say, "Her and I were engaged in a romantic and very sexual interaction." It's "she and I." "Her"is an object; "she" is a subject. Keep making mistakes like that, Mr. Karr, and you'll never get another teaching job.

      And finally, New Rule: If converting to Islam is all it takes to get the terrorists off our backs, then all I have to say is: [does screaming ululation] Now, this week, when two Fox News journalists were released by their Hamas kidnappers, I was shocked: Fox News has journalists?!

      No, the shocking part of it was that all these westerners had to do to get the blade literally off their neck was say they were Muslims. Just recite a two-line pledge, just say the words, "There is no God but Allah, Muhammad is his messenger,"and - oh, whoops. There, I did it. I'm now Bill Al-Sheikh-Yer-Booty. Welcome to Saudi America.

      Now I know what you're thinking: Bill, if we convert to Islam, doesn't that mean the terrorists have won? Well, sort of, but it's a win-win. Because they get to declare victory, and we get to take hair gel on the plane! Plus, we're not really converting to Islam. We're just telling our enemies what they want to hear, and trying to convince them we're something we're really not. Or as Hillary Clinton calls it: campaigning.

      And it's so simple to convert this way. You know, if you want to convert to Judaism, it's a huge hassle. You've got to find a rabbi, study the Torah, get circumcised, go to dental school. But Muhammad made joining his team easy: two-line pledge, you're in. Which would you go for? The two-line pledge or lopping off the business end of your meat thermometer?

      And the best part is that nothing that really matters to you will be different. It's not like we're asking you to change your email address. We'd be Muslims in name only, instead of what Americans are now: Christians in name only.

      I mean, look around. We don't care for the poor or defer to the meek, or avoid judging people. It's not like we're that committed to Christianity. In fact, the other day, I heard a nun say, "Sure, I love Jesus, but I'm not married to him."

      I know my plan will meet some resistance. But it shouldn't come from the right, because converting to Islam will just give conservative Christians more of everything they love. Pray five times a day? Where do I sign up? You mean we can stone homosexuals instead of just bitching about them on talk radio? Thank you, Jesus! I mean, Allah.

      We're a nation in thrall to religious fanatics anyway. Does it really matter which fanatics we're in thrall to? They're both full of moral pieties and codes of conduct nobody follows anyway. So let's pick the one that lets us take HAIR GEL ON THE PLANE!

      Because, no matter what happens, we'll always be Americans. Nothing can ever change that. Because even if women here had to start wearing burkhas, believe me, they would find a way to write the word "Juicy" on their ass.