Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 4 Episode 16

September 15, 2006

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Sep 15, 2006 on HBO
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September 15, 2006
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Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)

Tonight's episode is live from L.A.

Bills guests tonight are Michael McKean (actor, comedian, composer and musician), Clark Kent Ervin (head of Homeland Security Program at the Aspen Institute), Gloria Steinem (feminist icon, journalist, and women's rights advocate), Pat Buchanan (politician, author, syndicated columnist, and broadcaster), and CNN's Christiane Amanpour.moreless

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      • Clark Kent Ervin: I worry about this 'good and evil' language. You know, former President Bush famously said that - 'I'm a religious guy, but I'm not a nut about it.' And I understand what this President Bush means when he talks about evil. There's no question but that 9/11 was an evil act. But that suggests that whatever we do is good. And this messianic approach it seems to me, is very, very dangerous. And, ironically enough, it's exactly the approach the terrorists take.

      • Clark Kent Ervin: It is very important for us, in our efforts to promote freedom and liberty, not to sacrifice our own principles. We will have given the terrorists a victory.

      • Bill Maher: America is becoming much more multi-cultural than it was in the 1950s. That's just a fact. And I think, to some people, it looks like people who are around - especially white, heterosexual men in the 1950s - they're kind of like the Sunnis in Iraq. They're losing their monopoly on power and they're pissed off about it.

      • Pat Buchanan: We're going to have 100 million Hispanics heavily concentrated in the Southwest by 2050, and 58% of all Mexicans believe that land belongs to them by right. And the Mexican government is deliberately exporting its poverty and its people to seek leverage over the government of the United States. Not militarily, Bill, but I do believe linguistically, ethnically, culturally, socially. That is increasingly going to become a part of Mexico - as much a part of Mexico as it is in the United States.

      • Bill Maher: All right, thank you very much, panel. It is time now for New Rules, everybody! New Rules!

        Okay, New Rule: Someone must tell President Bush where his heart is. [photo shown of President Bush and Laura Bush; she has hand over her heart; he has his hand over his stomach] Great, now with the other hand, tap your head and say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper, rubber baby buggy bumper." Most people don't clutch the wrong organ, but then again, most people don't invade the wrong country.

        New Rule: The next Democratic candidate for president must not wait until after the election to show us his balls. Al Gore didn't make the environment an issue while running for president. But now that his only job is walking his dog--he's all over it. And this week, John Kerry says he's now prepared to kick the asses of the Swift Boat vets who smeared him. A little late, John. Who's running your campaign? FEMA?

        New Rule: Americans are dumber than anyone realizes. Mike Judge's new movie, "Idiocracy," about a future America where everyone is really stupid, has been dumped by Fox because test audiences didn't get the joke. Because they were too stupid to understand a movie about stupid people! Just when you think you've hit the bottom of the stupid barrel, you find out there's another barrel right underneath it.

        New Rule: The Saddam Hussein trial has to do what all other TV shows do when they get stuck in a rut: bring in Heather Locklear. Goodbye, WMD's, hello, MILF. MILF, yeah, they know, MILF.

        New Rule: When married rock stars have sex with other women, it's not cheating. Sorry, rock star wives, if you want a faithful husband, marry a guy with fewer options. That's why you don't see too many concert-goers screaming, "Monogamy, drugs and rock 'n' roll!" Hell, I've been to concerts where, during the show, the rock stars actually called out the wrong city's name! "Cleveland!"

        And finally, New Rule: If you're going to give God credit for all that's right with the world, like the flowers and the trees and large, brown nipples—sorry, Pat Buchanan—then you have to admit that God is responsible for the bad stuff, too, like tsunamis and ringworm, and that bad marijuana crop in '82 that gave everyone a headache.

        Now, this past week, for the fifth anniversary of 9/11, President Bush pronounced three days of prayer and mourning. Prayer for the victims, and mourning for his old approval ratings. Of course, Mr. Bush's team always does breathe easier whenever a moment of silence is required, because even President Dyslexia can't screw up a moment of silence. Except if he put his hand on his stomach - never mind.

        And speaking of silence, when did bagpipes become the official instruments of mourning? These ceremonies are depressing enough without hearing all that Scottish farting in the background.

        But I just don't get it. Why, when pointless horror strikes and God smacks us around, we go to church more! It's like we're Tina Turner and God is Ike!

        How come, when things go well, it's "Hallelujah!" But when they go bad, it's still, "Hallelujah!"? People can endure an endless series of Job-like hardships: their house is shredded by a tornado, their car is in a tree, the family is wiped out... "But God spared my ceramic lawn deer, thank you, Jesus!"

        And we put the blame on ourselves, and say that whatever cruel, random crap happened to us happened because "God works in mysterious ways...too mysterious for stupid me to understand."

        Well, sorry, but I think a little more of myself and my fellow humans than that. I don't know the answers to the big cosmic questions. No one does. But I do know there's no reason for a cleft lip or a mine collapsing, or all that traffic on the 101.

        Mysterious ways? You know what else works in mysterious ways? A microwave. It stays cool but the food gets hot! It's a mystery! Let's worship it. No, let's not. Let's not thank God for His mercy or blame Him when you die from eating bad spinach. On the fifth anniversary of the national day of prayer and remembrance, let's put the blame for September 11th squarely where it belongs: on our new enemy, Iran. The bombing starts three weeks before the mid-terms, God willing.

        All right, thank you very much, folks. You did a heck of a job. That's our show. I want to thank my guests, Michael McKean, Gloria Steinem, Clark Kent Ervin, Christiane Amanpour, Pat Buchanan. Don't forget, we're coming to Washington, D.C., on October 6th. Thank you, folks.

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