Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 3 Episode 15

September 2, 2005

Aired Friday 10:00 PM Sep 02, 2005 on HBO
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Episode Summary

September 2, 2005
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
This week, Bill welcomes Anderson Cooper, Stephen Schneider, Michael Eric Dyson, Bradley Whitford, Marry Frances Berry, Fareed Zakaria.

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  • Bill is back!

    I missed the old Bill Maher. Watching his last shows, I was waiting for the moment when he would not remember any of his lines, shrug his shoulders and walk out of the studio never to return. Sure, he was still funny, but he seemed to be in a semi-vegetative state. Or maybe just stoned.

    I guess that's what happens when an intelligent, compassionate guy sees stupidity, indifference, intolerance and hypocracy - disguised as christianity - conquer his country, throwing the rest of the world into chaos and squandering what is left of nature for a few bucks. But back to Bill.

    After a week that shook up everyone in America, old Bill is back. This week, Maher was sharp and motivated again, his show was funny and heartfelt, and there were no Bush-cronies spoiling the fun and spinning the truth. Excellent.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (10)

    • Bill Maher: New Rule: Now that they've been hit by hurricane, the Alabama National Guard has to call up President Bush. Since he never really reported for duty back then, get out your chainsaw, Mr. President, it's brush-clearing time.

      New Rule: If President Bush is going to exclusively play to military audiences, he must carry a golf club like Bob Hope-and tell the Marines that the mess in Iraq is bigger than Dolly Parton's boobs. Why is there a troop shortage in Iraq ? Because so many of them have to be here doing photo-ops with this clod. This guy has shown his ass to more servicemen than a bar girl in Thailand . I'm mad now!

      New Rule – New Rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion.

      New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. You know, I was once beat up after school, and believe me, I would gladly trade that pummeling for a session of oral sex with my French teacher-no matter how much his mustache tickled.

      And finally, New Rule: Defenders of the war in Iraq must stop comparing it to the American Revolution.

      Dyson: Thank you, thank you.

      Maher: Yes. The only thing the Iraqi leadership has in common with our founding fathers is that neither of them used deodorant. Now, the sight of Iraqis having a constitutional convention has put a lump in the throat of Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney, all of whom have compared the American patriots of 1776 to our soldiers in Iraq today, mostly because they're using the same equipment.

      Let's just mention a few ways this analogy breaks down. One: the American Revolution was a home-grown rebellion fought with guerilla tactics against an occupying army of foreigners and mercenaries. Okay, that is exactly what's going on in Iraq. Oh, except for one thing: This time, WE'RE ENGLAND!

      Dyson: Right, right, right.

      Maher: You need proof? The only people on our side? England. Uh-oh, wait a second, our teleprompter just went down. (he pulls script out of his jacket) That's why I always carry it with me.

      Dyson: Bill, you are prepared.

      Maher: Isn't that something? I have to say, I was never a Boy Scout. I would have made a damn good one. No, no, I don't need your cards. I've got it right here.

      Dyson: Bill, direct FEMA. Let him direct FEMA!

      Maher: The only people on our side: England . Turns out, home field advantage, very important in wars. Also, a huge difference when it came to the big, basic issues. Our founding fathers were all pretty much on the same parchment. It wasn't like Jefferson was for representative democracy but Adams and Madison were ultra-orthodox clerics chanting the Bible.

      But Iraq , you know what Iraq is like? Okay, take Pat Robertson, put him in the desert…oh, that's good. The American Revolution was nothing like what's going on in Iraq . Our founding fathers didn't have thousands of years of bitter feuds and grudges between them. Franklin 's people had not gassed Hamilton 's people. Our framers were a homogenous group comprised only of white, land-owning males. Today, we would hardly call that a constitutional convention. We'd call that a Republican Convention.

      "We, the people" did not include women, blacks, gays or Indians. It took another 200 years to become "We, the Village People…" Or, as Ben Franklin said at the signing, "Who are we forgetting?"

      But I have not lost hope for Iraq . The sons of Mesopotamia do have greatness in their history. And although the obstacles are many, there is one thing that binds the Sunni, the Shiite and the Kurd: they hate the f#ck out of us.

    • Anderson Cooper: And you know, it goes much deeper than frustration. This cuts to the core. And people want answers, and they're not hearing answers to very basic questions about, you know, was enough done ahead of the storm, and is enough being done right now. And I'm not hearing that answers. I don't think anyone else is.

    • Anderson Cooper: All these politicians all this week are saying, 'Well, you know what? This is not the time to point fingers; this is not the time to, you know, quibble about things.' Well, you know what? When is the time, because I'm happy to write it down in my engagement book. And make an appointment, because, to me, the time is now, when the world is watching.

    • Mary Frances Berry: Why aren't they dropping with parachutes, medicines and food, as I've seen them do in other countries, and I've seen them do it. And finally, today, because Bush goes there, they start handing out some food and stuff to people so that they won't scream and yell at him while he's there.

    • Bill Maher: That's all they know how to do, is public relations. I'm sure Bush is sitting around today, going, 'I was hugging Negroes all day long. What do you want from me?'

    • Bill Maher: [Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff] said, 'The critical thing was to get people out there before this disaster. Some people chose not to obey that order. That was a mistake on their part.' And this is what I call 'unintentional racism.' Because this guy - that's the whole thing with the Bush people. They just can't imagine, 'Why don't you just pack up your Range Rover, grab a case of Poland Spring water out of the garage, and go to your summer home? What is the problem?!' They just don't get it.

    • Michael Eric Dyson: The point is that these poor black people who were suffocating in poverty didn't just get suffocated in poverty when the flood came. It was before the flood.

    • Bradley Whitford: There's an opportunity here. And hopefully, this will not just be about infrastructure and - for god's sake - having the National Guard at home guarding us as they should be. But it is an opportunity to look at the fact that there is structural poverty in this country that is getting worse.

    • Mary Frances Berry: There are structural problems of opportunity that interfere with what people can do, but most of what happens to you is because of what you do, not because of what somebody else says. And you have to keep that in mind.

    • Fareed Zakaria: What this has shown us is that order is the basis of democracy, of civilization. And if you don't have order, it doesn't really matter what else you have. And so, in an odd sense, one more example of how an administration that talks about being very conservative has forgotten one of the core elements of what I guess would have been considered traditional conservatism: that first you need order, then you can have all the fun stuff like liberty and democracy.

  • NOTES (0)