Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 5 Episode 19

September 21, 2007

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Sep 21, 2007 on HBO
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September 21, 2007
AIRED:
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)

Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.

This week, Bill welcomes:

* Rob Thomas, musician, lead-singer of Matchbox Twenty.
* Sir Salman Rushdie, controversial author, and newest target of Al Qaeda.
* Janeane Garofalo, actress/comedian/activist.

Bill's guest via satellite:

* Michael Scheuer, author and former CIA agent, who was referenced in the recent Bin Laden video.
* Bjorn Lomborg, environmentalist/author, whose famous book is "The Skeptical Environmentalist."moreless

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    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (6)

      • Bill Maher: New Rule: No more trophy kissing. You know, it starts off innocently enough. [slides of Emmy winners kissing Emmys] It gets a little more erotic. Even more erotic. Okay, now it's... [shot of female golfer kissing phallic glass trophy] ... I'm not imagining things here.

        New Rule: Maybe Iraq wasn't ready for democracy--[shot of Phil Spector in huge wig] --and maybe California isn't ready for trial by jury. The jury on Phil Spector has been out two weeks. On this guy. A man who pulled a gun on every woman he met since stereo.

        A man who confessed at the crime scene. A man who looks like this. But there's at least one person on that jury saying, "I don't know. She could have killed herself to frame him." Yes. This actress wanted to kill herself and she just happened to meet a guy who puts guns in ladies' mouths. Talk about going to Hollywood and getting your lucky break.

        If the person who is holding up this jury writes a book, they have to have the party at Phil Spector's house, and whatever Phil puts in their mouth, they have to suck it. You never know. There's a reasonable doubt. It could be a Slim Jim.

        New Rule: Junk e-mailers have to stop trying to fool me by writing "Hey, what's up?" in the subject line. Sure, it worked on me the first couple hundred times. And, yes, I'm enjoying the Viagra and my Ukrainian mail-order bride. But, stop bothering me, Replica-Rolex.com! I'm trying to talk to this deposed Nigerian prince who just needs my PIN number to make me rich!

        New Rule: Our next president must have lips. [shot of George Bush with lips pursed] I'm not asking for full, pouty, Angelina Jolie lips. I just want to be able to see where the lies are coming from.

        And finally, New Rule: Just because the Constitution doesn't have a religious test for office, doesn't mean I can't. This past Monday was Constitution Day in the U.S. And while I was going over the Constitution with my two adopted kids--Zack Ono and Mogadishu--I'm home schooling them--I was struck again by Article 6, Section 3. It says, "No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office." And I agree. No one should ever be disqualified for their religion. Even the funny ones. Like all of them.

        But, the problem is that there is a religious test in this country. According to a recent poll, seven in ten say it's important to have a president with strong religious beliefs. The other three couldn't take the poll because it was Friday night and Yahweh wouldn't let them answer the phone.

        But, fair is fair. So, for myself and the other 15-20% of American who the majority call "non-believers," but who I call "rationalists," here is our religious test for office: if you believe in Judgment Day, I have to seriously question your judgment.

        If you believe you're in a long-term relationship with an all-powerful space-daddy--who will, after you die, party with your ghost forever--you can't have my vote, even for Miss Hawaiian Tropic.

        I can't trust you at the levers of government because there's an electrical fire going on in your head.

        Maybe a president who didn't believe our soldiers were going to Heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.

        Candidate Mitt Romney, a Mormon, believes in spiritually-blessed underwear that can protect him. He seemed like a nice man, and so do his sons, Wally and the Beav. But, I'm sorry, their religion is bat-shit. It's like Scientology without the celebrities. And he has every right to run for president while believing in magic underwear, and believing that Jesus survived his own death and will return during an Osmonds' concert in Branson. And I have every right to take that into consideration in the voting booth.

        And at the end of the day, is magic underwear really that much crazier than giant arks or virgin births or talking bushes? You're either a rationalist or you're not. And the good news is, a recent poll found 20% of adults under 30 say they are rationalists and have figured out that Santa Claus and Jesus are really the same guy.

        Now, 20% is hardly a majority, but it's a bigger minority than blacks, Jews, homosexuals, NRA members, teachers or seniors. And it's certainly enough to stop being shy about expressing the opinion that WE'RE NOT THE CRAZY ONES!

        Just because the vote is 4-to-1, it doesn't mean the minority is wrong. People who were against this war from the start were a minority. The majority used to believe the world was flat. But if you believe that today, you'd either be packed off to Bellevue or asked to co-host "The View."

      • Rob Thomas: (Talking about world leaders) Anyone who is narcissistic enough to want to rule the world, or to want to take that job, is capable of f@#king it up, period.

      • Salman Rushdie: (Talking about the MoveOn ad attacking Gen. Patreus) Any excuse to not discuss the actual war, means you attack people who talk about the war in ways they don't like. So, you talk about talking about the war. Instead of talking about the war.

      • Michael Scheuer: What Bin Laden basically said is that America is fighting a war that doesn't exist. We're fighting because our leaders tell us that the Muslims hate freedom and hate liberty and hate women in the work place. And that's got nothing to do with it. It has everything to do with what we do in the Islamic world, what our policies are and what our impact is there. And that's what Bin Laden was referring to. That's what my book says.

      • Bill Maher: Iran's president, he's in the news. Did you see this? He wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, "No no." They said, "You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain." And that is Rudy Giuliani's job.

      • Bill Maher: You know that the Democrat controlled Congress, their approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that douche bag on the Internet who says, "Leave Britney alone." Their approval rating is 11%. Eleven percent. They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be.

    • NOTES (0)

    • ALLUSIONS (2)

      • Bill Maher: He seems like a nice guy, and so do his sons, Wally and the Beav.

        Bill is referring to characters from the classic TV show Leave it to Beaver.

      • Bill Maher: "Mrs. Robinson, this conversation is getting..."

        Bill is quoting from the movie The Graduate starring Dustin Hoffman.

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