Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 4 Episode 17

September 22, 2006

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Sep 22, 2006 on HBO
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September 22, 2006
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Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)

Tonight's episode is live from L.A.

Bill Maher's guests tonight are actor Bradley Whitford (The West Wing and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip), theologist Reza Aslan, conservative activist Sandy Rios, columnist Frank Rich, and filmmaker CC Goldwater.moreless

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    • QUOTES (5)

      • Bill Maher: It is time for New Rules.

        All right. New Rule: It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind, but not when it comes to a man's own member. A man in China who received the first successful penis transplant had to go back to have his doctor cut it off because his wife didn't like the new one. That's right. She was literally a ball-buster. This - this poor guy lost his penis in what the news account called a "traumatic accident." You think? And his doctors somehow convinced the parents of a brain-dead man to donate their son's penis. They attached it in a delicate, 15-hour operation. And then Wifey says, "Hmm, I don't think so." And people wonder why I'm not married.

        New Rule: Hungary and Thailand, and any other country thinking about having a coup, had better figure it out for themselves, because all our troops are busy directing traffic in Fallujah. Thanks to President "Numbnuts" and his father issues we don't have the men to guard Biloxi! So every other place on earth except Iraq, "Walk it off." Thailand and Hungary, until we run out of gypsies, sex workers, goulash and smack, you're on your own.

        New Rule: It's okay for a black man to be the dumb guy in a commercial. It seems like in every commercial on TV, it's always the black guy who knows the fastest wireless network, knows the best car rental company, knows the best place to buy music. You know, black people aren't always smarter than white people. It just seems that way by comparison. [slide shown of Rumsfeld, Powell, Bush and Cheney]

        New Rule: Bring back lamps where the switch is on the actual lamp and not three feet down the cord! How come we used to be able to make lamps with an on-off switch where you'd naturally look for it? You know, on the part I like to call, "the lamp." But now it's on the cord? Did we lose the technology? I'm going to fight this. I'm going to bring back the lamp with the switch where it belongs, or my name's not Andy Rooney.

        And finally, New Rule: Until we win World War III and crush the "evil doers," in what our president calls "a struggle for civilization," all law enforcement people have to work on that and not on busting Willie Nelson.

        This week, Willie Nelson, who Donald Rumsfeld calls "the number-two man in Al Qaeda," was the victim of a pointless search that revealed he had with him a mere pound and a half of marijuana. And a fifth of a pound of psychedelic mushrooms. Or as Willie calls it, "breakfast."

        Yes, that's right. Cops in Louisiana this week hassled Willie Nelson, demanded he cut his hair, and shot Peter Fonda off his motorcycle. I mean, come on, Louisiana. Your state was underwater a year ago. If the man wants some of it for his bong, let him. Yes, he had mushrooms; he's a hundred-year-old hippie; they were growing in his hair!

        Are we trying to send the message to other aging celebrities who might be thinking about recreational drug use? Watch out, Wilford Brimley! Alberto Gonzales wants to know what you're sprinkling on your Quaker Oats.

        Let us not forget the president's words, all 12 of them. "This country," he said, "is in a fight against a lethal enemy...spinach." Which, by the way, Willie also used to smoke. But he gave it up around the time Bush got off the coke. You see, everybody's got something.

        But if there's one drug above all we should be cracking down on, it's oil. Oil is the addiction. That is the addiction poisoning our lungs and our political system and our foreign policy. Willie Nelson, high though he might have been, was on a bus that didn't pollute anything, because it runs on biodiesel. But - but biodiesel threatens the profits of big oil, which means the only way we're ever going to legalize pot is to convince Bush and Cheney it's a petroleum product. And it may be. All my bongs have a carburetor.

        Hemp is another product that threatens oil and timber profits because it has so many uses, like rope and biofuel and textiles. The Declaration of Independence is written on it. President Bush could use it to make another "Mission Accomplished" banner. If he could only accomplish a mission. [to Rios] "Love the sinner."

        But that's hard when you lose focus. So let's focus on defending America and leave the singers and the medical marijuana patients alone. Because, believe me, when you bite into one of their special baked goods, in about 20 minutes, you'll be saying, "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie!"

      • Reza Aslan: When Bush says, 'You're either with us or you're with the terrorists,' most people - particularly most moderate Muslims - think, 'Well, I'm not with you.' We have to be careful with the way we talk about these things.

      • Bill Maher: Let me just introduce one fact. The U.N. said this week there is more torture going on now in Iraq than when Saddam was there. If we could only get torture back to the Saddam levels maybe that would be a victory.

      • Bill Maher: Because what you're talking about is, our country went over there and attacked a country that didn't attack us, and then you call them insurgents and terrorists. I would think they would say they're just people who are fighting because there's somebody occupying their country.

      • Frank Rich: There was a famous bestseller when we were kids called The Hidden Persuaders, that first introduced the idea that these techniques that made you feel good about Rice Krispies could be used to sell you something that's not so benign. And I think, while it's been true in every administration - and certainly, for instance, Kennedy was good at it; Reagan was good at it - this administration brought it to a high art form. And it's an amazing thing, Bill, when you think about it. They sold a war against a country that had absolutely nothing to do with the people who attacked us.

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