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Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 3 Episode 18

September 23, 2005

Aired Friday 10:00 PM Sep 23, 2005 on HBO
out of 10
User Rating
6 votes

By TV.com Users

Episode Summary

September 23, 2005
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
Bill Maher's guest will include correspondent Andrea Mitchell, UK MP George Galloway, correspondent Katty Kay, writer Christopher Hitchens, and congressman David Dreier (R-CA).

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  • At his best

    Bill was in top form this show. Which was bad news for his panel guest, Bush-lover and would-be intellectual Christopher Hitchens, who seemed to grow smaller and angrier as the show progressed and could not score no matter how he tried, even when he sucked up to the audience, pretending to be an American.

    Bill's new rule about relocating New Orleans to Kansas was just hilarious. Probably because it would really make sense.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (10)

    • Bill Maher: Time for New Rules, everybody.

      New Rule: The next major destructive storm must be called Hurricane George. You've earned it, buddy! Congratulations. You are officially a Category 5 president.

      New Rule: If your razor has five blades, it's not a razor, it's a weed-whacker. With the new Gillette Fusion razor, the first blade lifts the stubble; the second severs the hair follicle; the third slices your skin; the fourth scrapes bone marrow; and the fifth was used by O.J. Simpson to kill his wife, and he wants it back.

      New Rule: No more nudity on billboards. You know, I'm all for sex in advertising, but not where horny men drive. I don't want to launch into a big lecture about safety, but the other day, the guy in front of me slammed on his brakes to gawk, and the woman who was blowing me almost hit her head on the steering wheel!

      New Rule: If you give a nine-year-old a hunting rifle, expect to have a hole in your head next to the one you already have. That's right. Fathers are signing up their kids to win free hunting trips. Great time to find out she's pissed about not getting that doll. I'm sorry, but the first time your daughter should see a shotgun is at her wedding when she's 14.

      And finally, New Rule: Just because we have an obligation to rebuild New Orleans doesn't mean we have to put it back in the same place. For $200 billion, we could put the French Quarter on the moon. Why don't we put it someplace it can stay out of harm and do some good? After all, New Orleans is the Big Easy, and a lot of America is uptight. Which is why I say we put New Orleans in Kansas.

      What do you say, Kansas? Put down your hoes and come meet some. Welcome New Orleans to the land that fun forgot. An infusion of color and gayness in the dry Kansas plain. Why, it'll be as if they shot "The Wizard of Oz" on location. You're going to love it! New Orleans is one of the great towns. It's my kind of town, an outpost of free living and sophistication in a sea of - well, now, sea.

      You can't tell me that the giant swath of red America that Kansas sits in the middle of wouldn't benefit from thousands of insane Creoles who understand that hangovers only happen to people foolish enough to stop drinking. I read this week that the strippers have gone back to work in New Orleans. They don't even have clothes, and already they're taking them off. Kansas could use some of that spirit.

      It could use some jazz, some blues...some blacks. The people of New Orleans are the most tolerant of all Americans. I mean, for Christ's sake, they put up with Anne Rice! And as an extra bonus, they're French, and that'll really piss off Bush. When the French land right in the middle of Bob Dole's Viagra farm.

      So, don't think of it as a million-and-a-half black people moving in next door. Think of it as the "March of the Penguins." Only, you know, with a million-and-a-half black people.

      Yes, I see a shining city on a plain. New Orleans, Kansas. Where people are learning. They're learning that a gay pride parade isn't something to fear; it's something to laugh at. So what do you say, Kansas? They need a home. You need to get the stick out of your ass. It's a win-win! Come on, Kansas, show some curiosity, show some compassion. But most of all, show us your tits!!

      All right, that's our show. We are taking a break next week. We'll be back in two weeks with Ben Affleck and Salman Rushdie. I want to thank my guests, George Galloway, Katty Kay, Christopher Hitchens, Andrea Mitchell, David Dreier and Willie Nelson. Thank you very much, folks.

    • Bill Maher: There is another storm now, as you know, Rita, about to devastate the Gulf Region again. President Bush said our prayers go out, to the executives at Chevron.

    • Bill Maher: The other event that has people on edge this weekend, Vice President Cheney will undergo surgery for an aneurysm. And while he is under anesthetic, a man named George Bush will be in charge.

    • Bill Maher: We had a little disaster excitement ourselves here: The Jet Blue Airliners. An airliner full of passengers had to make an emergency landing because the landing gear got stuck, and the irony is, the crew said it could easily have been fixed if someone on board just had a pocketknife.

    • Willie Nelson: We have two cars, my wife and I, that run on vegetable oil. She has a Volkswagen. I have a Mercedes. They've never had anything in them expect 100% vegetable oil. Our bus is run on 100% soybeans. So there's no reason for us to be so dependent on foreign energy.

    • George Galloway: In the 20 years or so I've been in the House of Commons, by far the best performer at Prime Minister's Questions, was Mrs. Thatcher, who more than half of the country hated. But she could wipe the floor with the opposition leader before breakfast.

    • Bill Maher: In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

    • Bill Maher: We're not running our country down when we criticize it. We're trying to make it better.

    • Christopher Hitchens (about George Bush): His eyes are so close together he could use a monocle.

    • George Galloway: Christians believe in the Prophets, peace be upon them. Bush believes in the profits and how to get a piece of them.

  • NOTES (0)