Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 1 Episode 20

September 26, 2003

1
Aired Friday 10:00 PM Sep 26, 2003 on HBO
9.7
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September 26, 2003
AIRED:
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
The guests are: Darrell Issa, Michael Moore, Charles Barkley, Senator John Edwards, Aaron McGruder, John Mellencamp and John Hansen

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SUBMIT REVIEW

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    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Bill Maher: New Rule: If you find a new record from anyone dead, it sucks. If Elvis or Tupac or Kurt Cobain thought they had a hit, they would have released it back when it could have helped them get blown.

        New Rule: Using the phrase "He's ba-ack!" is over. "He's ba-ack, she's ba-ack, it's ba-ack, all over! Attention, people who write mini-headlines for cable news: next time, you have to write a headline referring to Richard Nixon, the swallows of Capistrano or some rock star's hepatitis C, spend an extra 30 seconds coming up with something original like, "Hey, does it take a spike through the heart to kill off Al Gore, this grotesque freak of nature?!"

        New Rule: Prince Harry is going to hurt someone. Look at this kid. He's a thundering ball of rage. His mom's dead. His father dates rotted tree bark. His brother gets to be king. And he's destined to spend the rest of his life being photographed doing nothing! Arrest him before he kills a woman.

        New Rule: Stop saying that athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. Bass fishermen do it for the love of the game, which is why so few of them have agents. If the NBA paid minimum wage, Shaquille O'Neal would be a bouncer at Scores and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk.

        New Rule: The news networks must update their stock footage. Are you ready for the evening news, everybody? Hussein shooting off his rifle; Osama with his finger up; money being printed; that machine that sorts cigarettes; terrorists on the monkey bars; money being printed; Osama shooting his rifle; the F-14 taking off; obese people in America and monkey bars. I'm Dan Rather in New York, good night!

        And finally, New Rule: Lay off California! You know, the rest of America has been having quite a laugh at California's expense lately. But let's remember this: California has a lot of people. And the reason it does is lots of other people in other states saying, "Fuck this, I'm outta here!"

        And then those people come here to California, and people ask them, "Don't you miss the winters?" No, strangely enough, I don't. Much the same way I don't miss slamming a car door on my hands.

        Make fun of California, but if it weren't for California, East Coast rappers would have to shoot musicians from Branson. If it weren't for California, there's be almost no TV, and you'd have to come home at night and actually talk to your family.

        You know, the rest of America feels about California the way the rest of the world feels about America. They hate us because we do what we want. They think we're too blessed and too free, and it makes them nuts in the dreary hovels of Kabul and Tikrit and Lubbock, Texas.

        They pray to their threadbare gods that we'll get what we deserve. But it won't happen. Because you never know what we're going to do here next. We elected Ronald Reagan and Jerry Brown. We're home to Disney and Hustler, the Partridge Family and the Manson Family. We can drink a Mudslide and a Sex on the Beach during an actual mudslide while having sex on the beach!

        Our farms feed the world, and Calista Flockhart lives here. We have bears and great white sharks. And even our washed-up actors are allowed to kill one blonde chick.

        We invented surfing and cyber-porn and LSD and the boob job. And if we didn't, we would haven. We have oranges, free oranges, everywhere. What grows on the trees in Scranton, fucker?!

        We have a real hockey team named after a hockey team in a movie! Our Indian casinos could kick your Indian casinos' ass.

        We give our illegal aliens driver's licenses. And we have a guy running for governor who digs group sex.

        Would anywhere else in America trade places with L.A. or San Francisco in a piss-soaked New York minute? You bet they would. Because I don't recall anyone ever writing a song called "I Wish They All Could Be Rhode Island Girls"!

      • Michael Moore: And tonight, in Columbus – tonight, in Columbus, Ohio, the chairman of Diebold, the people that have been now given the job of creating the new election machines, you know, that we're going to use. He is holding – he is one of the top pioneers of Bush's re-election campaign. And he is raising $100,000 tonight at this fundraiser, and he's the guy in charge of making sure these election machines are going to be fair this time around.

      • Charles Barkley: I totally agree with what they're saying. I think we are so confused in this country. Big business runs everything. Big business runs politics. They run this entire world. And we're down here at the bottom fighting for the scraps. Instead of banding together, we fight each other all the time.

      • Aaron McGruder: Look, I don't think the priority needs to be finding Hussein. I think the priority needs to be finding – if we're having a foreign policy priority, it's finding Osama bin Laden, and it's getting out of Iraq, and it's leaving Saddam Hussein and the rest of that alone. We don't need to be – we don't need another Vietnam. We don't need it.

      • John Edwards: Well, all the Democrats are against President Bush's tax cuts for the rich. I actually think there's something much more radical going on here. I think the President is actually trying to shift the tax burden in America from wealth to work. And what I mean by that, is he wants to eliminate the estate tax; he wants to eliminate the dividends tax, the capital gains tax, all the taxation of either wealth or passive income on wealth. And that tax burden is going to get shifted straight to people who work for a living.

        And it's just – in my judgment, it is completely wrong and inconsistent with what we believe in, for some guy who is sitting by his swimming pool reading his financial statement each month, seeing how many millions he's making on investments, to actually be paying a lower tax rate than a secretary or a fireman or a teacher. And I think that's exactly what the President is in the process of doing.

    • NOTES (0)

    • ALLUSIONS (1)

      • Bill Maher: Because I don't recall anyone ever writing a song called "I Wish They All Could Be Rhode Island Girls"!

        Maher is alluding to the David Lee Roth single "I Wish They All Could Be California Girls."

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