Bill Maher: New Rule: Now that Marcel Marceau is gone, George Bush must make all his public appearances as a mime. At a "No Child Left Behind" event this week, our "education" president - the one who once asked, "Is our children learning?" - said, and I quote, "Childrens do learn." And then he ate another paint chip.
What has to happen before we fit this guy for a helmet? If Bush was a mime, he could avoid these embarrassing gaffes by just staying quiet and performing his signature piece, "Man Trapped Inside a Sectarian Civil War."
New Rule: Twelve-year-olds can't wear cologne. I hate to break it to you, Skippy, but you don't smell like a confident man of the world. You smell like you spilled fruit salad on your shirt. There's a time and a place for cologne. The place is a nightclub, and the time is after your testicles have descended.
New Rule: Let the Arabs win something. Dubai is putting the finishing touches on the world's tallest building, which will tempt someone in Malaysia or China to build an even bigger one. Please don't. Let the Arabs take this one. Maybe you haven't noticed but they haven't won anything in 700 years, and they're not taking it very well. They're like Cubs fans, except instead of singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," they beat themselves bloody and scream, "ALAALALALLALAH!"
New Rule: Even if Dennis Kucinich doesn't get to be president, his wife still gets to be First Lady. This week, we learned that Mrs. Kucinich has a stud in her tongue. No, not me. I'm talking about - I'm talking about a piercing in her tongue. And if we're serious about keeping the president from even thinking about getting blown by the interns, believe me, this is the way to do it.
New Rule: Stop playing matchmaker to your gay friends. If there's anything gay men hate more than clutter, it's when one of their straight friends says, "There's this new guy at work and he's gay; you two should totally go out." Like that's the only requirement for two gay men to date. "You like penises; I like penises; let's get married." Just once, I'd like to hear a gay man tell a straight girl, "Hey, I met this guy yesterday and he's straight. You should f@#k him."
And finally, New Rule: If you believe you need to take all the pills the pharmaceutical industry says you do, then you're already on drugs.
Yes, it's that time in the campaign where all the candidates are presenting their health care proposals. Hillary's covers children's teeth. Edwards has one that includes maintaining gorgeous, shiny hair and Barack Obama's involves going on Oprah, and everyone gets a gastric bypass!
But, none of the plans address the real problem. We won't stop being sick until we stop making ourselves sick. Because - because there is a point where even the most universal government health program can't help you. They can't outlaw unhealthy food or alcohol or cigarettes. Just pot, sadly.
Because, you see, the government isn't your nanny. They're your dealer. And they subsidize illness in America. They have to. There's too much money in it. You see, there's no money in healthy people. And there's no money in dead people. The money is in the middle. People who are alive, sort of -- but with one or more chronic conditions that puts them in need of Celebrex or Nasonex or Valtrex or Lunesta. Fifty years ago, children didn't even get Type 2 Diabetes. Now, it's an emerging epidemic. As are a long list of ailments which used to be rare, and have now been "mainstreamed."
Things like asthma and autism and acid reflux, and arthritis, allergies, adult acne, attention deficit disorder. And that's just the "A's."
Doesn't anybody wonder why we live with all this illness? I'll tell you why. At the L.A. County Fair last week, they were serving something called "Fried Coke." Now, my first thought was, gosh, what a waste of a perfectly good "Eight Ball." But, no, they actually pour the Coca-Cola syrup into a deep fryer.
Then put it in a cup and top it with sugar and whipped cream, and a cherry, because, you know, fruit is good for you.
Would it really be that much more unhealthy to get molested by one of the carnies?
In Hillary Clinton's health plan, the words "nutrition" and "exercise" appear once. The word "drugs" 14 times. Just as the pharmaceutical companies want it. You know, their ad weasels love to say, "When diet and exercise fail…" Well, diet and exercise don't fail. A fact brought home last week by a new Duke University study that showed exercise - yes, exercise - is just as effective a cure for depression as Paxil and Zoloft.
So ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you!
You know, if Republicans can sell the idea of preemptive war, Democrats have to at least get us interested in the idea of preventive medicine. Someone has to stand up and say that the answer isn't another pill. The answer is spinach. Okay, not spinach. Turns out that crap'll kill you. But you know what I mean!
Michael Eric Dyson: Rap music is one of the most brilliant art forms to express resistance against white supremacy in American culture. And it's messed up at the same time.
Pete Hamill: The first American boot that steps into the sand of Iran will make everybody a nationalist.
Rahm Emanuel: When it comes to diplomacy and statecraft, this administration never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity.
Bill Maher: Scott Pelley said to Ahmadinejad, "You have American blood on your hands." Doesn't Bush have American blood on his hands?
Ken Burns: We're a consumer culture. You know, after 9/11, we weren't asked to do anything. Franklin Roosevelt asked our country to sacrifice tremendously. Now we're just asked to go shopping.
Bill Maher brings up the 2006 Mike Judge film to describe the present state of affairs. Idiocracy told the tale of an average Joe sent 500 years into the future where he finds that he is the smartest man alive.
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