Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 1 Episode 17

September 5, 2003

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Sep 05, 2003 on HBO
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September 5, 2003
AIRED:
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
Special guest, Gen. Wesley Clark (Ret.) discussed Iraq and the need for the Bush administration to clearly communicate to the American people who the enemy is and what their strategy is for resolving Middle Eastern conflicts. He also identified that part of the problem the current administration is having is that there was not a sufficient amount of post war planning. The General also identified himself as a liberal, but in the c sense of the word, where issues are resolved through reason and dialog, not towing party lines and stricture.

Bill then introduced his roundtable guests for the week, Wolf Blitzer, D.L. Hughley, and William Kristol. Bill started things off by noting this week was the first all male panel in the show's history, and seeking the panel's impression on John Kerry's crying at the difficulties described by an unemployed mother. Bill then took the opportunity to ask hard-line conservative Bill Kristol if he felt the war in Iraq was going to plan. Kristol said his magazine, The Weekly Standard, was publishing an editorial urging the President to do what was necessary to not only win the war, but also win the post-war in Iraq as well. Bill then questioned why two Newsweek reporters could locate the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden, while the US military cannot.

Bill then introduced another special guest, Al Franken, who spoke about his tangling with Fox News and the use of the words "fair and balanced" in the title of his book. They also talked briefly about Franken's comparison of conservative love of country to how a child loves his mother, as opposed to an adults' love for a spouse and that person's imperfections. After more talk about Iraq, Bill asked the panel if they felt the seriousness and importance of the news was being diminished by reporting on things like Madonna's kissing Britney Spears and the VMA awards. And, what the effect is on the youth when Britney Spears says things like we should trust our President in every decision he makes. There was also some discussion on why the press has been so forgiving towards the President on his, some would argue, frequent gaffs. Blitzer in particular argued that 9/11 redefined the public's relationship with the President. Finally, Bill questioned the reasoning behind granting condemned abortion doctor murderer Paul Hill a press conference, suggesting it was a gesture to the pro-life movement by Gov. Jeb Bush. Bill then gave this week's New Rules.moreless

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    • QUOTES (4)

      • Bill Maher: New Rule: Stop mourning the Volkswagen Bug. Ever since the last one rolled off the assembly line a month ago, there's been nonstop nostalgia for what always was a cramped, uncomfortable, noisy little shitcan! To be missed only by brain-dead hippies and Hitler's relatives who still get a royalty. Mourning the Bug is like getting wistful about dentistry before novocaine or dating before penicillin. And if you really miss it so bad, just go down to Venice Beach. You can get one for forty bucks!

        New Rule: Country music stars can't be authors. Charlie Daniels' new book, Ain't No Rag: Freedom, Family and the Flag, is a collection of musing by noted white trash icon Charlie Daniels – on subjects ranging from American flags to American flag bumper stickers to what to do to a hippie if you catch him trying to burn your flag. Before this book, I was ambivalent on the issue of flag burning. Now I find myself reconsidering the question of book burning.

        New Rule: Call things what they are. If your morning coffee contains crushed ice, whipped cream and caramel, it's a milkshake! Same as if you cook your cocaine on a spoon and smoke it. You're not freebasing. You're a crackhead. And if you go down on your husband after he gives you a new fur coat, you're not celebrating your anniversary, you're a – oh, never mind.

        And finally, New Rule: Stop pretending that viruses on the Internet are interrupting anything important. Like all successful innovations, the Internet got big by exploiting an unmet need in the marketplace: a more efficient way to transmit both junk mail and pictures of busty teenagers having unprotected anal sex. Okay, said corporate America, but how about also including a way for us to spy on our employees and make them have to work nights and weekends at home for more pay? And voila, email was born!

        The generation that created the Internet, of course, likes to think of it as history's crowning technology, but it's really just a typewriter crossed with a TV remote. Don't like the channel you're watching? Well, there are five trillion more. And they're all run by a coed named Lucy who claims she and her roommates have set up a shower-cam for kicks.

        Our parents told us not to sit too close to the TV, and now we know why. Because it wants us to finger it.

        Yes, we think we're doing something educational because we're sitting at a keyboard, but really the Internet is good for two things: stealing music and meeting thirteen-year-old girls. Yes, there's never been a better time to be a pedophiliac jazz buff.

        Is it any wonder that no one cares enough about it to guard it. The mighty engine of the future, and every few months it gets completely taken over and crashed by some pissed-off Incubus fan on a KitKat and Mountain Dew buzz. (Picture of obese hacker shown.) Hey, you see this guy? Hey, "Lump Bizkit!" Stop believing the hype in all those movies where the computer hacker is really the cool one. So you brought Microsoft to its knees. I'm guessing still no luck getting a girl in that position. And the reason for that is, because at the end of the day, you're not really surfing, you're typing.

      • Bill Maher: You said, "Conservatives love America like a child loves his mommy, and mommy can do no wrong. Whereas we-" – meaning your side – "love America like an adult loves someone, recognizing our mate has faults and taking the good with the bad, and always working to appreciate what's there, being critical of what's wrong and trying to help and make it better."

        Al Franken: Well, we hear from people like Sean Hannity on Fox, and from your friend Ann Coulter, that liberals, you know, teach their kids that America is always bad. And I'll tell you, you know, I met Wesley Clark – I'll tell you where I met him: I met him in Kosovo when I did my third USO tour.

        I love America, but loving America means it's more important in a loving relationship to be honest than to lie. And that's why I wrote Lies and Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Honest – Fair and Balanced – Look at the Right. And it's not treasonous to say, you know, our President lied to us about why we're going into war

      • Bill Kristol: Let me just say on Iraq, look, I mean, we're not failing in Iraq. In fact, we've done an amazing job. If you had said six months ago that we would have a total of 300 American casualties, and rather few Iraqi casualties – I mean, under 10,000 probably – no ethnic warfare, no religious warfare, huge parts of the country pretty peaceful, the American military doing really a fantastic job of running the country, parts of the country, that was all good news. Now, the bad news is there's a nasty counter – there's a nasty insurgency that we need to crush, because there are Baathist remnants, and there are terrorists in there.

        D.L. Hughley: You're high, aren't you? You're high! I have a cousin in rehab and he says a lot of the same things, let me tell you. Listen, you – we were told specifically that there will be weapons of mass destruction. There aren't any.

        Bill Kristol: We don't know – we don't know that there are no-

        D.L. Hughley: We have a situation now. I just want to make this point. We have a situation now where if there are any there – if they are there and now we have the terrorists there who can get them now. So that ain't a good equation. I mean, we were told that the oil would pay for the war, and that people would greet us with flowers. None of that happened! Even on BET, none of that happened, man!

      • Wesley Clark: Well, as I've traveled around the country, people are looking for good leadership. They're looking for proven, experienced leadership. The country is engaged in foreign affairs in a way it wasn't four or five years ago. 9/11 was a tremendous shock. America woke up afterwards and said what happens beyond our borders, it's really important. And it just so happened to coincide with the time I've been going around.

        I've been increasingly concerned since 9/11. The strategy was going the wrong way. It was a sort of "bait and switch" tactic. We had Osama bin Laden; he wasn't enough of an enemy, I guess, wasn't clear – wanted to get something more substantial. Let's go back to those old guys that we didn't like the last time, finish off Saddam Hussein.

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