Bill Maher: Okay, we have to go to New Rules, but I tell you, this was a really fun panel tonight. Thank you for joining us.
New Rule: Police cars have too many lights. The car on "Dragnet" had one light. On "Adam 12," two lights. These days, police cars have blinking lights, rotating lights, strobe lights. "Car 54, Where Are You?" "Studio 54, where are you?!" I don't know if I'm being arrested or invited to a rave! If the LAPD caught Rodney King today, they'd probably beat him with Glow Sticks.
New Rule: America must regain its scientific edge by designing and building a Space Shuttle that can fly in the rain. It's covered in tiles. So's my shower, and it works.
New Rule: Jennifer Lopez has to start comparing Jessica Beil's ass to Hitler. It's clear that Jessica Beil is developing a "weapon of ass destruction"–that threatens J-Lo's ass dominance. You think you can appease this ass, J-Lo? No. It must be confronted–with force. On Pay-Per-View. We'll call it "The Junk-in-the-Trunk versus the Badonkadunk."
New Rule: It's not a freak accident when a stingray stings someone. It's called a "stingray," not a "hugray" or a "kissray." A "stingray." It's not at the bottom of the ocean thinking, "I wish an Australian with a cable show would rub on me." Swimming next to one is like hunting duck with Dick Cheney or marrying Robert Blake.
New Rule: Women can't get mad at men for not noticing their new handbag. Yes, I'm sure it matches your shoes. I just don't care, because I'm not gay. You want to buy an accessory that we'll really notice? Try fake tits.
And finally, New Rule: Bad presidents happen to good people. Amid all the 9/11 anniversary talk about what will keep us safe, let me suggest that, in a world turned hostile to America, the smartest message we can send to those beyond our shores is, "We're not with stupid."
Therefore, I maintain that ridiculing this president is now the most patriotic thing you can possibly do. Wait. Let the word go forth to our allies and our enemies alike. Let them know that there's a whole swath of Americans desperate to distance themselves from George Bush. And that's just Republicans running for re-election.
Now, America is an easily misunderstood country these days. A lot of the time, it's hard to make out what we're saying over the bombs we're dropping. But the world needs to know that most Americans don't think that putting a boot in your ass is the way to solve problems. Because even allowing that my foot lodged in your ass would feel good, which I don't–what then? Okay, my boot is in your ass, but I can't get it out, so I'm not happy. And it's in you, so you're not happy. There's no exit strategy.
If I could - if I could explain one thing about George Bush to the rest of the world, it's this: we don't know what the f*ck he's saying either! Trust me, there's nothing lost in translation! It's just as incoherent in the original English. George Bush just turned out to be one of those things that's very popular for a few years, and then almost overnight becomes completely embarrassing. Like leg-warmers or white people going, "Oh, no, you di-n't." Or invading Iraq.
Honestly, maybe the reason they haven't attacked us again is they figure we're already suffering enough. No, it pains me to say these things because I know, deep down, George Bush has something extra. A chromosome. Wait, wait, wait. You see, wait. I did that on purpose. Was it cruel? Maybe. But it saved lives, dammit!
Because by doing the "extra chromosome" joke, I sent a message to a young Muslim somewhere in the world who is on a slow-burn about this country, and perhaps got him to think, "Huh, maybe the people of America aren't so bad. Maybe it's just that rodeo clown who leads them." "Maybe the people get it!" We do, Ahmed, we do!!
So, while honoring the anniversary of September, 2001, we must also never forget January, 2000. That's when then governor George Bush said, "I know how hard it is to put food on your family." The world changed on 9/11. He didn't. That's why we owe it to ourselves and to our children to never stop pointing out that George W. Bush is a gruesome boob.
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