Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 3 Episode 16

September 9, 2005

Aired Friday 10:00 PM Sep 09, 2005 on HBO
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Episode Summary

September 9, 2005
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
Bill Maher talks with author Kurt Vonnegut, Fmr. Rep. Joe Scarborough, and emergency management chief for Jefferson Parish, La. Walter Maestri via satellite. Plus, roundtable guests comedian George Carlin, columnist James Glassman and editor Cynthia Tucker.moreless

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (8)

      • Bill Maher: All right, it is time for New Rules, everybody. New Rules.

        Okay, New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

        New Rule: Don't drag kids into adult fights. Everybody knows you don't exploit children as pawns during a strike. You exploit children as pawns during a divorce! Let's limit kids to their one true airline responsibility: kicking the back of my seat.

        New Rule: The term, "CPT," which stands for Colored People's Time, based on the belief that blacks are often late, must now be renamed "FGT," for "Federal Government Time." And when people like Mike Brown walk in anywhere, even five minutes late, everyone must roll their eyes and mumble, "FGT."

        New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

        And finally, New Rule: America must recall the president. That's what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger's predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular, he must defend his jog against...Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let's have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice-president!

        Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.

        Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit card's maxed out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman?!

        Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying that there's so many other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in...Please don't. I know, I know, there's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man.

        Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.

        On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans...Maybe you're just not lucky!

        I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint."

        All right, that's our show. I want to thank our fabulous panel. George Carlin, Cynthia Tucker, Jim Glassman, thank you for putting up with us. And Joe Scarborough, Walter Maestri. Thank you very much, folks. Appreciate you, too. Good night.

      • Bill Maher: Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, has been relieved of his command. He has been asked to return to Washington immediately. He is expected to arrive in about a week.

      • George Carlin: Elections and politicians are in place in order to give Americans the illusion that they have freedom of choice.

      • Bill Maher: There's a friend of mine who lives in New Orleans, is black, and I wrote down exactly, word for word, what she said, because I think it bears repeating. She said, 'After 9/11, I was American. Now I'm back to being black.' And I think among the feathers in George Bush's resume is that I think he has lost a whole generation of black people who might have felt that way after 9/11, and now are like, 'You know what? I can't believe I started to buy into that bullshit.'

      • Cynthia Tucker: I think that class and race are inseparable in America.

      • Cynthia Tucker: Black people in this country, are still disproportionately poor. It is also impossible to talk about what happened in New Orleans without some white conservatives focusing on the looting, the crime, instead of focusing on the vast majority of poor, black people who were law-abiding, who were frightened themselves.

      • Bill Maher: The administration does their old 9/11 trick 'It's too early to start apportioning blame. Let's get the bodies out of the water.' This is what they said after 9/11. 'Let's not politicize this.' Of course, it's the most political administration ever.

      • Kurt Vonnegut: I am not only from the richest country in the world, but the dumbest country in the world.

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