Reaper

Ben: Come on, Winston. Come to daddy. We have to go, now. Sock: (holding a wrench) I'll bring him down. Ben: I will cut you where you stand.

Sam: What is wrong with you? Ben: My dad is super alergic... You know... I couldn't have any pets so this little guy fills that void. Sock: You said I filled that void, Ben.

(As they enter the theater to see the magician's act) Sock: So all I have to do is snap a little eyeliner and I'll get to shower with Cameron Diaz! Ben: Or probably not! Sock: It's her loss.

Devil: Forget about the contract. Sam: No, no. I wanna see it. Devil: But why? Sam: Because I wanna know my rights. Devil: Oh, that's easy. You don't have any.

(sprayed with cold water) Sock: Not the crotch! Not the crotch!

Sock: New devil box arrived in the middle of the back room. Scared the crap out of Ben. Sam: What about me? I just thought I got stabbed. You know how scary that is? Sock: All right, come on, hop on. Come on, piggyback. It'll cheer you up. Come on! Come on! Sam: No, I'm good. Sock: Yeah, you're a little big for that now, aren't you? Just so you know, I would have piggybacked you right back there.

Sock: I'm too disgruntled, all right. I mean, give me a break, no talking at work. I mean, what's next, take away the air I breathe? Take away the beer that I'm about to drink on my break?

Sam: We are not machines, we are not robots. Sock: Be cooler if we were robots. Sam: Yeah. Sock: You know who I'd be if I were a robot? Sam: Who? Sock: The hot chick from Terminator 3. First I would tear this building down brick by brick, then I would go home, lock myself in the bedroom, and stare at my boobs for as long as I wanted. Sam: Yeah. Sock: Which would be a long time.

Customer: How much for the flat screen? Sock: A million dollars. Try Best Buy.

Ted: What, are you talking to yourself, Sam? That is a sad, sad state of affairs, my friend. Because no one answers. Ever. (long pause) Ever.

Ben: Nobody's hurting Winston. Sam: Who's Winston? Ben: The bird. Sam: You… named the vessel? Sock: Dude, Winston is not a bird's name, Ben. Ben: Okay, well you tell me what a bird's name is. Sock: I don't know, uh, how about Flappy? Or Paul?

Ben: You know, I've never seen a dead body up close before. It's messed up. Sock: I know, right? I mean, you'd think that seeing Scarface all those times, I'd be better prepared for that, but…

Driver: Go to Hell, jerk! Devil: I'll meet you there, Bruce. You know that little thing on his neck? Not a freckle.

Ted: You know what, Sam? I'm not really in the habit of checking other men out. Unlike some people I know. Sock: Huh? Sorry. I was so busy checking out your ass, I missed your funny joke.

Sock: Hi, Gladys. You look ummm today. Gladys: Place the vessel on the mat. Sock: Whoa, it's gonna be kind of difficult with all that sexual tension pushing back.

(Sam has a vision that a customer stabs him with a torch. Sam screams, and Sock comes running) Sam: You see that guy? Sock: Yeah? Sam: I just had this really weird vision that he stabbed me. Sock: I just ate this really weird cupcake, so I guess we're even.

Devil: Sam, life's too short to drink domestic.

Devil: Minions. You know who works for me in my central office? White-collar criminals. They hate me, they hate their jobs. I'm lucky if I get coffee in the morning.

Sam: You sound like Ted. Devil: Wow, that's harsh. Ted's a real douchebag.

Sam: You put the contract for my soul with my third-grade report card and Mr. Huggles?

Devil: You know, Sam, sarcasm is the lowest form of social discourse.

Sock: That, my friend, was some fine hell sucking.

Devil: I never drink when I work. It clouds the mind. Sam: Maybe if you drank, you'd be less of a dick.