Red Dwarf Season 8 Episode 3

Rimmer: One day in this lousy stinking penal colony, and I'm cracking up. Everyone's so deranged and brutal, it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.
Lister: Was he any help?
Rimmer: Not really, he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girly white legs, then pummeled me repeatedly with his book, "Showing compassion to inmates".
Lister: I thought social workers were supposed to be nice.
Rimmer: In the end, I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.
Lister: What did he say?
Rimmer: He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.

Rimmer: If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer. Instead of the braindead, pompous, stupid-haired git I ended up with.
Lister: You defended yourself!

Rimmer: Since when were you interested in a trouser press? You care less about your appearance than a member of the Dutch royal family.
Lister: No, I was thinking: if we got moved to a cell with a trouser press, we could make cheese toasties.

Holly: We're giving you a new start on life and the chance to screw it up in new and imaginative ways!

Cat: Another year I have to send a valentine to my hand.

The crew looks for the exit from VR...
Cat: I got it! There's a button here that says E-eleven-T on it!
Kochanski: So?
Cat: Eleven is XI in Roman Numerals. E-XI-T! Exit!
Lister: He got that?
Kryten: I think this proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is not reality.