guys whats ya favourite rimmer line? mine is...
smeg what the smegging smegs he smegging done? hes smegging killed me!
Thursday 9:00 PM on BBC TwoIn Season
My favorite Lister line is from the Red Dwarf Space Corps Survival Manual where he is asked the following question:
Would you use the words agnostic/atheist/deist/satanist to describe yourself.
Lister's reply is:
Try bored/smegging horny/frustrated/desperate
i meant lister line
*ahem* Lister's mind was in Rimmer's body... thus, it's a Lister line.
We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space... can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Classic (i think its from last day, the one were they think Krytans gonna die)
Where do I start?
In 'Beyond a Joke': Is there any ketchup? ...later on... Brown, not tomato, otherwise it's got no class!
In 'Epideme': I've just been molested by Tutenkhamun's horny grandma!
In 'Nanarchy': Hand, pick up the ball! Hand, pick up the ball! HAND, PICK UP THE BALL!
In 'Duct Soup': I AM NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY!
In 'Ouroborus': I'm my own father, and Kris is my ex-girlfriend and me mum!
Love It When Lister Starts This Story:
Lister: Sometimes, I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got rattled one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, his shoes got bored going from his local to his flat. They wanted to see the world, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down.
Rimmer: Is this true?
Lister: Yeah. The last thing I heard, they sort of... robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see.
Lister: Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him... he said it was alright and all that, when shoes are happy that they'd get into heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have 'soles'.
Rimmer: Ah, what a sad story. Wait a minute.
Rimmer: How did they open the car door?
Sorry its not just one quote but the one thats highlighted would'ent make sense without the story lol
I have loads of Lister ones
King: Is there any man, across the length and breadth of our great land, that dare challenge the King's best knight?
Lister: I do, sir!
King: And you are, sir?
Lister: Lister of Smeg.
'Doesn't mean she can play pool. I can. Trust me. I know whereof I speak. Aigburth Arms on a Friday night, they used to call me Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister, 'cause once I was on the table, you couldn't get rid of me. This pool arm is as sound as a dollarpound, and I promise you that shot will not come off. She's topped it, that's what she's done, she's topped it! It's a felt-ripper! That planet is off the table and into somebody's pint of beer.'
Lister: ...Or take Santa Claus! What a bastard!
Lister: He's just a big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kids' favorite toys!
'This is crazy! Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone? ....She'll never leave Fred and we know it'
The Cat: What was it like, being a hamster?
Lister: Well, it was better than being a chicken. I mean, you've seen the size of an egg. You've seen the size of a chicken's bum. I was trying to say, in chicken-talk, "For God's sake, give me an epidural."
Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans.
Lister: I know. For one morning.
Rimmer: Well, I couldn't take any more.
Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
Rimmer: Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday," they called it.