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Arnold Judas Rimmer
Holly (season 3-5)
Kryten (season 3-)
Justice Computer voice
Rimmer says that Simulant would have no trouble surving their guns, so how come he died, from knives and vases which should be a lot weaker than guns? Presumably, it was the justice field that killed the Simulant and not the objects -- he tried to kill Lister, therefore he was killed.
Lister says Cat has never met a real woman before, but he has actually met quite a few of them, in 'Parallel Universe' and 'Stasis Leak' to name a couple.
Kryten: Oh, screw down my diodes and call me Frank!
Lister: You want to talk, let's talk.
Simulant: You have no weapon?
Lister: No. You have no weapon?
(They approach each other)
Simulant: Guess what? (Pulls out a large knife) I lied.
Lister: Guess what? (A metal pipe slides out of his sleeve) So did I.
Simulant: But I lied...twice.(Draws a gun)
Lister: I didn't think of that.
Simulant: I'm very glad you didn't.
Lister: What did you want to talk about?
Simulant: Your death. (cocking gun) Your imminent death.
Justice: The hologram known as Rimmer. Guilty of second-degree murder. One thousand, one hundred and sixty-seven counts.
Rimmer: No...There must be some mistake, surely...
Justice: Each count carries a statuary penalty of eight years penal servitude. In the light of your hologrammatic status, these sentences are to be seved consecutively, making a total sentence of nine thousand, three hundred and twenty-eight years.
Rimmer: I've never so much as returned a library book late. Second-degree murder? A thousand people? I would have remembered.
Justice: Your wilful negligence in failing to reseal a drive plate resulted in the deaths of the entire crew of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel the Red Dwarf.
Rimmer: Oh, that.
Justice: Sentence to commence immediately.
Kryten: I call my first witness. (Lister takes the stand) Name?
Lister: Dave Lister.
Lister: Ehm... bum.
Kryten: Mr Lister, would you describe the accused as a friend?
Cat: Take the fifth!
Kryten: I remind you that you are under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Lister: No, I would describe the accused as a git.
Rimmer: Kryten. You're going over the top. The court will never buy it.
Kryten: Trust me, sir. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork.
(Regarding the metal boots given to the crew)
Cat: I'm supposed to wear these?!? They look like Frankenstein's hand-me-downs! You haven't got anything with a cuban heel or a crepe sole?
Lister: What's a mind-probe?
Kryten: The computer was merely searching our minds -- presumably for any evidence of criminal activity.
Lister: Whu-what d'you mean, "criminal activity?"
Kryten: I shouldn't worry, sir. It's just a routine clearance procedure.
Lister: So when you say "criminal activity," whu-whu-what exactly do you mean by "criminal activity?" How criminal do you mean by "criminal?"
Rimmer: What are you bleating on about, Lister?
Lister: Just define "criminal activity" for me.
Kryten: Well, imagine a situation where someone had commited a crime and concealed it from the law, the mind-probe would be able to uncover that crime and sentence the person accordingly.
Lister: Why didn't nobody tell me about this before we put the smegging boots on?
Rimmer: Oh, Listy, Listy. Is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers, or do I detect you're a tad concerned?
JUSTICE: In the view of your counsel's eloquent defence, together with
the reams of material evidence he submitted on computer card, this
court accepts that, in your case, the mind-probe is not anadequate
method of assessing guilt. It is not possible for you to have
committed the crimes for which you blame yourself, and you may
therefore go free.
KRYTEN: Sir, what are you objecting to now sir?
RIMMER: I want an apology.
Cat emerges from the cockpit covered in goo.
Cat: Oh my god, his HEAD burst. I don't wanna live. Somebody please, shoot me in the head!
Cat: Do you know what you look like? It's nauseating! You could go double-dating with the elephant man, and he would be the looker!
Lister: Maybe I can wrap a towel round my head and pretend I'm from India.
Cat: Maybe you can stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal!
Cat: Have you ever heard of an animal called the Iranian Jurd. It can do 150 pelvic thrusts a second.
Cat: That's me in slo-mo! Stick a Black and Decker drill on the end, I can make it through walls baby!
This episode contains the only entirely deleted scene from Series IV. The gang stroll through a simulated park on Justice World while Rimmer and Kryten prepare the case and Lister explains the properties of the justice field to Cat. To illustrate this, Lister throws a can into a bin and misses; and a giant litter bird flies overhead and craps on him! The scene can be viewed on the Series IV DVD.
Lister: Don't know what I would have done without you these last few weeks, Kryten. You're a regular Florence Nightendroid.
This is a reference to Florence Nightingale, a pioneering British nurse from the nineteenth century, who was particularly noted for her actions during the Crimean War.
Cat: Take the Fifth
This is a reference to the Fifth Amendment of the US Constitution, the right against self-incrimination. Cat says this as he thinks Lister would not like to acknowledge that he doesn't consider Rimmer a friend.
The Cat: (to Lister) You could go double-dating with the elephant man, and he would be the looker!
This is a reference to Joseph Merrick, a man whose facial and bodily deformities were so great, he was often referred to as "The Elephant Man".
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