Rescue Me Season 5 Episode 1

Black Shawn: You and Tommy are tight, right?
Kenny: Well, if you mean, we're close, then yeah. In terms of actual tightness, I can only speak for myself.
Black Shawn: So if Tommy were to find out that one of the guy's on the crew was doin' somethin' behind his back that he might not be--
Kenny: Oh my God, you're sleepig with Colleen.
Black Shawn: How'd you know?
Kenny: I'm right?
Black Shawn: So is that bad?
Kenny: It-- It could only be worse if you were banging Katy. Tell me you're not banging Katy.
Black Shawn: Of course not. I'm not banging either one of them.
Kenny: Wait a minute, you just said you were sleeping with Colleen.
Black Shawn: I am.
Kenny: So?
Black Shawn: See, we're sleeping together but we're not like, y'know-- (makes a motion with his hand)
Kenny: So you're not-- (makes a noise)
Black Shawn: No, no, no. And if we ever do, I pray it won't look or sound anything like that.
Kenny: So, what's the deal? Tommy's gonna kill you anyway, for just seeing her, you might as well get a little piece before you go.
Black Shawn: Those days for me are over.
Kenny: What getting laid days?
Black Shawn: Listen, Lou, there's somethin' that you need to know about your man, Shawn, I've tapped plenty of asses in my day, good ass, and usually pretty quick. The quicker I tap it, the quicker I'm out the door. I'm looking for a real relationship here. You know, I want the sex to have value.
Kenny: Well, your life's on the line, that's valuable.
Black Shawn: Come on, you mean to tell me that you've never had a relationship where you waited to have sex?
Kenny: Not on purpose.
Black Shawn: Well, this is on purpose. The next ass I tap, is the ass I marry.
Kenny: Oh, yeah, that's sweet. I'd like to see that on a sampler. But I would leave Tommy out of it, it's gonna be really hard to tap that ass from beyond the grave.

Tommy (on the phone): I can't talk right now.
Sheila: Wait, wait, I need to see you.
Tommy: No.
Sheila: It's an emergency.
Tommy: Are you on fire?
Sheila: No.
Tommy: Well, I know you're not choking to death, because you're talking to me on the phone, although, I suppose, anything's possible. Are you being held hostage? ... Hello?
Sheila: Somebody called me from your headquarter's about your section 5 thingy.
Tommy: 8.
Sheila: 5, 8, big diff.

Mike (about opening a bar): Well, if I'm providing the money, then what are you guys bringing to the table?
Sean: Dude, I got my associate's degree from Scranton... almost. I would provide the business savvy. You would be the money, I would be the brain's. Got it?
Franco: Wait a second, if your dumbass is the brains, then what the hell does that make me?
Sean: Well, we're gonna need a bouncer for sure. I mean, if Mike's the money, and I'm the brains, you would be the braun.
Franco: Why do I gotta be the braun?
Sean: Well, first of all, Lou told me what you did to that bum in the fire the other day. Secondly, you're Puerto Rican, kinda scary. I mean, who's gonna mess around at a bar with a big, giant scary, Puerto Rican guy standing at the door, y'know? Except maybe other Puerto Ricans, but let's be honest, we're not gonna let them in.
Franco: Whatever, man. Give me whatever title you want, I just wanna be around to watch you two humps sink this damn ship.
Sean: Alright, what do you say, Mike?
Mike: As long as I get to name the place.
Sean: ... No.
Mike: Okay. Deal.

Mike (about his inheirtance): I already promised it to the cancer society.
Sean: Ugh. The cancer society. What's the cancer society gonna cure with your misely $100,000?
Mike: $250, actually.
Franco: If you give it to those people, you know what they're gonna use it for?
Mike: Research?
Franco: Postage, to send letters out to other people to get more money. It's a vicious cycle, Mike. Not to mention, that they're never gonna find a cure, 'cause there isn't one. Cancer is God's disease, it's his way of thinning out the herd. And it's cruel, and mysterious and no one's ever gonna figure it out, 'cause that's the way that God likes it.

Dwight: I was thinkin' about being a firefighter at one point. I mean, everyone does when their little, right? But then I got older, and I was thinkin', you guys fight fires like once, twice a month and the rest of the time you sit around picking your ass. I'm an active guy, it wouldn't work for me. No disrespect.
Tommy: No, no... none taken. (whispers to Janet) Is this guy that good, or is it just my imagination?
Janet: Time to go.
Dwight: Do you have one of those spotty dogs, one of those dalmations? Do you guys really let them ride around on the truck with you or is that just bullshit?
Janet: Oh, my God.
Tommy: Okay, you're bustin' my balls on purpose now, right? That's what we're doin' here?
Dwight: I'm just havin' fun. Just havin' a laugh, trying to diffuse the tension. I think you guy's do God's work, I really do.
Tommy: God's work. So what do you do besides the diffusing thing?
Dwight: Well, I'm into extreme sports. I mean, I used to be an athlete, not so much anymore, I'm trying to settle in a new gig.

Tommy: Alright, quick quiz. You gotta pick one, you gotta lose one. Ball or eye?
Sean: Ball, or no eye. Or... ball. I mean, if you lose an eye, you can't even see your balls, so what's the point of that?
Franco (as Sean is still talking): Pause, pause. I have the floor. Ball. It immediatly cuts your chances of ball cancer in half.
Sean: That's a good point. I'm gonna go ball.
Tommy: What if you pick the wrong one?
Sean: Eye. Definatly eye.

Mike (holding a sparkler): Hey, guys, check it out.
Franco: Real nice, Tinkerbell.
Mike: Pretty cool, huh?
Black Shawn: Half a ton of fireworks, and you go and steal the biggest, pussiest firework in the history of fireworks, short of the match.
Mike: I like sparklers, they're sparkley. You know, and it's kinda cool how the sparkles shower down, and it kinda hurts, but it kinda feels good, too.
Kenny: Just remember, they're not for rectial incertsion.
Sean: You know, I knew a guy once who stuck a roman candle in his ass, and right when he lit it, blew a giant fart.
Tommy: ... And?
Sean: Nearly singed my eyebrows off.
Kenny: You know, I'm not even gonna ask.
Sean: No, he couldn't do the reach around by himself, so I had to light it for him. Lucky I'm not blind.
Kenny: Or a proctologist.
Tommy: I knew a guy in high school, who lost an eye to a bottle rocket, Tony Marcasy. Now, we call him lefty.
Franco: Oh, yeah. I got you beat, my buddy, Hector, blew one of his balls off on Cinco de Mayo. (they all make 'ow' sounds)
Black Shawn: What do they call him now?
Franco: Han. ... Solo. (they all 'ahh' in relization)
Tommy (to Sean, who looks at Tommy, clueless): I'll tell 'ya later.