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Chief Jerry Reilly
Lt. Kenneth "Lou" Shea
Alicia: You know, the first man that a little girl falls in love with is her daddy.
Alicia: So then when she gets older and she gets married chances are that she's gonna pick somebody, just like her old man.
Tommy: I'm aware of this theory, and it's a buncha bullshit.
Alicia: Oh, so you don't have anything in common with your wife's father?
Tommy: No, nothing.
Alicia: Oh, nothing.
Tommy: No, he was in real estate first of all. He was a suit and tie guy he spend his whole life behind a desk and real estate was all he thought about. He got up every mornin' and thought about how to rip people off. He was a selfish, self-centered, greedy, lying, cheating... midget. He was like 5'2. I'm way taller than him, and not funny at all which is one of the things my wife said that she found attractive about me when she met me was that I was funny and her father was not funny.
Ellie: All these goddamn faggotty politically correct assholes with their goddamn bibles, and their bumper stickers and their girl power bullshit. Nobody's accountable anymore. You get a drunk driver who kills a kid, it's not his fault 'cause he drank, it's his parents fault because they bullied him when he was a kid. I'm so sick of the people not facing up to the facts. Black people like fried foods. Chinese people, lousy goddamn drivers. Mexicans think that a pick-up truck holds 27 goddamn people. And that's just what I think.
Teddy: Will you marry me?
Maggie: Listen, Tommy, if you don't get your big pointy snout outta my affairs I'm gonna make what you did to Johnny look like a game of paddycake! You get me, Tommy?
Tommy: I gotcha, I gotcha. Snout? (Maggie starts walking towards the door, Tommy follows)
Maggie (without looking back): Take your eyes off of my ass, I can tell that your lookin' at my ass. And I'm your sister, Tommy.
Tommy: I was lookin' at your belt, it's a nice belt.
Maggie: You happy? I never thought you of all people would sabotage the least dysfunctional relationship of my entire life.
Tommy: I wasn't tryin' to sabotoge. You're the one who's going out with like six different guys.
Maggie: No, five and I liked Sean the best. He happens to be very nice and he does everything I say, he's perfect.
Tommy: Then why are you cheatin' on him?
Maggie (mockingly): A zebra can't change its stripes overnight. (starts looking in Tommy's kitchen cupboards for a cup)
Tommy: Well, whatever. (turns behind him and opens the cupboard and hands her a cup) You lookin' for a cup, there. (he keeps scratching his crotch)
Maggie: What is the matter, whaddya got, the crabs?
Maggie (opens the freezer and pulls out her bottle of vodka): What is th--see what it says. (points to the "Maggie, do not touch." label)
Maggie: Well it looks like it's half drunk.
Tommy: What're you talkin' about? It's half full.
Maggie: No, it's half empty and I know pops didn't do this, he knows better. (Tommy takes the bottle from her and pours her a glass)
Tommy: Lou--Lou was havin' a rough time and he had a coupla drinks, that's all.
Maggie: I'll deal with that doughboy later.
Tommy: So do you think he'd mind if we grabbed dinner sometime?
Angela: Probably. Ooh. Ooh, Tommy, I know you too well to think that you just bumped into me out on the street there today. Y'know given the detailed romantic map that Sheila laid out for me. An hour of past history, I know that you have some secret evil plan in mind. And y'know what I've grown too old, too mature for that old school, old neighborhood type bullshit.
Tommy: Sit down. We gotta talk.
Sean: Wait, you're not gonna hit me, are ya?
Tommy: Only if it helps.
Sean: What bein' tired makes me a pussy?
Tommy: No. Not talkin' to my sister about her five other boyfriends, that makes you a pussy.
Sean: Five? I thought you said it was three.
Tommy: Y'know, I think it's four --it's four, either way. Anyways--
Sean: Y'know, how do you know I haven't talked to her?
Tommy: Because if you told her what I told you to tell her, she'd be over here right now with a baseball bat.
Sean: Why do you want me to talk to her so badly anyways?
Tommy: Because I want you to be a man instead of a little pussy, which is what you are.
(Lou grabs a bottle of vodka out of the freezer)
Tommy: Are you sure you wanna do that?
Lou: What're you now, my sponser?
Tommy: No. Did you see the name on the bottle? (Lou turns the bottle over, to see the sign "Maggie's. Don't touch!" On the bottle, and makes a face and puts it back)
Lou: Beer run!
Tommy: Are you kiddin' me? I can't wait to get rid of this furniture. It feels like I've been taking it up the ass for like a month now.
Sean: Y'know what, Maggie, why don't you just tell me the truth? If you were honest with me I wouldn't be mad at you.
Maggie: I didn't want you to think I was crazy.
Sean: Oh, what would have given me that idea? And what's with these other four guys? Pancho and--
Maggie: First of all his name is Nacho.
Maggie: And Larry. (sighs) And Bill. (sighs) And Otis.
Sean: Okay, Maggie, I don't play fifth fiddle to anyone.
Maggie: You told me that if I told you the truth you wouldn't get mad.
Sean: Yeah, well I lied. How's it feel? Can I have my shirt please? (Maggie unbuttons it, takes it off, and stands there half naked in front of Sean. Sean tries not to look, and does, but then walks away) Yeah, well, give my best to Nacho, okay?
Sean: Oh, now I'm an asshole. Why am I an asshole?
Tommy: You're an asshole because you told Maggie everything that I told you about Fred.
Sean: Okay, I'm a pussy if I don't say anything to Maggie and now I'm an asshole for openin' my big mouth. You're impossible to please.
Tommy: You wanna please me? Keep your hands outta my sister's pants. (Sean tries to go after him, but since they're in the truck, he's seatbelted in and can't reach Tommy)
Sean: She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and you ruined it.
Tommy: Look, I told you to talk to her, okay? You decided to break up with her. You live with that decision.
Sean: Yeah, well, you know what? Try this one out. I don't wanna be friends anymore.
Tommy: Yeah? And?
Sean: I don't want you to call me. It's over. We're breaking up.
Tommy: You're--you're break--?
Tommy: Hey! You guys listening to this? Garrity's breaking up with me!
Sean: Yeah, it's over. I don't wanna hear from you, no dinner, no hangin' out, nothin'.
Tommy: He's breaking up with me. Unbelieveable. Oh my God. Your whole generation. Gay.
Alicia: Have you listened to her? Because I actually have. And she's -- she's frightened.
Tommy: Of her own dad.
Alicia: Yeah. In a way she is. I mean, she loves him, and he's sweet. But she's looking for a mommy. And y'know, lucky her, they just keep on trooping through the front door. I mean everytime he dates somebody for more than -- I don't know, what, a week? -- she gets a new mom. The point is, in her daddy's house, girls are things that disappear. And she's a girl. And she's wondering when her time is gonna come.
Bud: What I think? What I think is that's the most expensive piece of ass you've ever had, my friend. (tears up the check he wrote to help his sister)
Mike: Will you cut it out with that faggot -ass philosophy?
Chris: Who are you calling a faggot, faggot?
Chris: No, you're the faggot!
Mike: Yeah, okay, mister gay faggot guy, standing out on his construction site in his tight little blue jeans!
Chris: Look who's talking, Mr. Firefighter in your turnout gear, looking like the lost member of the Village People!
Mike: Kiss my ass!
Chris: Oh! That sounds like something a faggot might say, faggot!
Tommy: I think she might have given me the Big C.
Kenny: Cancer's the Big C. Chlamydia ... little c.
Tommy: Oh, well, you know what I'm sayin' so, what do you think?
Kenny: I dunno. We're talking about piss filled bladders, we're talking about illicit underage sex scandals--
Tommy: Which I put an end to by the way.
Kenny: ---with teachers and students and uncles and nephews, we're talking about fire-breathing cocks, I mean, to be honest with you, all of a sudden, I don't know why, but y'know, I feel a little bit better about my life.
Tommy: Well, I'm glad I could help you feel better.
Kenny: Well, I don't know what to tell you, I mean you're the only man in the tri-state area who shares a case of chlamydia with three teenage boys ... non clergy, of course.
Kenny: All I'm saying is you're gonna violate yourself like that, lock the door.
Tommy: Look, first of all, one place I would never jerk off is in the bathroom.
Kenny: That's good to know.
Tommy: I was performing a ... medical procedure on myself. I was checking my cock.
Kenny: That is the lamest euphemism I have ever heard.
Rose: I had no idea it was karaoke night, and I had no idea what a great voice you have!
Jerry: I can carry a tune. You're not so bad yourself.
Rose: Well, I'm not so good on my own, but we make a nice duet.
Angela: So, Sheil told me about you and Janet, and you and her, and Johnny and Janet. Throw in a brain tumor, throw in an evil twin, it's an episode of Young and the Restless.
Tommy: Yeah, you ain't kiddin'.
Angela: I was just thinkin'--I was always after Johnny to get hitched but he was such a commitment phobe. Every time I'd mention the "M" word he'd say that I was gettin' too clingy. Then you and Janet tie the knot and a month later we're engaged. It took me all this time to realize that I was always his second choice. Wish I knew that before we spent 6 grand on the goddamn marriage counsellor.
Jimmy: It's ironic, ain't it?
Jimmy: You know what I'm talking about. Admit it Tommy. You jump in the sack with my old lady and here you are, your own brother putting it to your wife. It's ironic, the definition of the word.
Tommy: I don't think so.
Jimmy: Oh, you don't think so. What is it then, smartass? Enlighten me.
Tommy: It's a little thing called karma.
Jimmy (pause, considering): Actually, you know what? It is karma. I stand corrected.
Tommy: And the thing about karma is, it just keeps going around and around and around. (Angela comes into view)
Jimmy: What? Is that ... oh, c'mon, Johnny's ex? You sick little bastard! And I thought you couldn't go any lower. You're at the Earth's core with this, practically.
Tommy: Yep. Next stop, China.
Lou: Some teacher raped three of her students.
Tommy: Ah ... they say anything about chlamydia?
Mike: You mean the band?
Sean: It's not a band you asshole, it's a country.
Lou: It's a venereal disease, monkeys.
Tommy: What does it ... ah ... what does it do to you?
Lou: What all sexually transmitted diseases do. Makes you piss fire.
Tommy: Did they say that those kids ... had it ... from her?
Lou: There was no mention of chlamydia. I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Sean: Wait a second, she raped these kids?
Lou: She didn't rape anyone. You can't even call that rape. If she looked like Don Knotts in drag, that'd be one thing, but she was gorgeous. If she was handing out rapes, pick me, teacher, pick me.
Probie: Well, they are my friends ...
Chief Perroli: Y'know, I've never had any friends on this job. They're your friends until somebody drinks too much beer and then smashes your face in with an aluminum chair. Friends like that, who needs friends?
Teddy: This isn't American Idol! I just gotta pick one of these broads so I can start having conjugal visits! If I don't bust a nut soon I'm gonna explode!
Cellie: I can help you with that if you want.
Teddy: Now listen. You're a great guy. I like talking to you and you keep a nice cell. But I'm strictly a real-live female pussy type of guy. No offense.
Sheila: Oh, you will never guess who I ran into today!
Keila: Are you going away soon?
Alicia: No sweetie! Why would you say that?
Keila: Mommy and Auntie Laura went away.
Alicia: Come here. Listen. Are you good at keeping a secret? I had a little girl once, and she went away just like your mommy did.
Keila: Up to heaven?
Alicia: Yeah. And when that happened I was very, very sad, and I know how much that hurts and so I would never want you to feel that way again.
Keila: So you won't go away?
Alicia: Not unless you want me to.
Keila: I want us to be together forever.
Alicia: I'll see what I can do about that.
Sheila (walking into Tommy's apartment): It reeks of beer farts and cigarette smoke in here.
(Sheila leans in to kiss Tommy's temple, and he quickly moves away)
Tommy: What're you doin'?
Tommy: What're you kissin' me for?
Sheila: Because I thought that's what you wanted.
Tommy: Why would you think that?
Sheila: I don't know Tommy, you're being all gay and cryin'. I thought I'd take a shot.
Tommy: I wasn't crying, okay?
Sheila: What do you expect from me? You--you ask me to come over here everyday and you throw me all these glances.
Tommy: W--wh--glances? What're you talkin' about?
Sheila: You throw me glances all the time.
Tommy: Like what?
Sheila: Oh, just glances over here, glances over there. Fun glances, and sneaky glances.
Tommy: It's called communicating, that's how you make eye contact wi--with them. Especially someone who lives up your ass?
Sheila: Oh, I'm living up your ass?
Tommy: Yeah, you're up my ass.
Sheila: I come over here every day and I deliever medicine, and I cook, and I do laundry, and I clean up shit and piss--
Tommy: I'm really tired of that goddamn speech.
Sheila: I got news for you, I couldn't possibly live up your ass because you've already taken up residents there.
Music Featured In This Episode:
Open Heart Surgery by Brian Jonestown Massacre
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