Rescue Me

Tommy: Fake Baby Head? Tony: That's the name of my new band. Kenny: Yeah, you can hit him now.

Tony: What can I say? She's in love with me. Tommy: She's-- She-- Alright, lemme explain something to you, alright? She's an 18 year old filled with raging hormones who also happens to be a rock and roll fanatic, alright? If that couch was the lead singer of Fake Baby Head she'd be having sex with it.

Tommy: Lemme ask you something, does that nose ring hurt? Tony: What? Tommy: The nose ring, does it hurt? Tony: No. Tommy: No, that's interesting. (punches him) How about now, huh?

Tommy: I told your mother I was bringing you home, let's go. Colleen: No, I can't live with your shit anymore. There's no screaming or fighting or drinking here-- Okay, there's a little bit of drinking, but-- but I never wake up to find my father passed out on the couch. You don't own me anymore, I'm legal and I'm staying here with someone who loves me and treats me with respect. Eat shit and die, Dad. Go to hell.

Kenny: I mean apologies don't mean shit to a teenage girl. You gotta take a beating if you wanna win her back. Tommy: What do you mean, like take a beating, take a beating? Kenny: Take a beating, take a beating. You're gonna have to go over there, mix it up with him, but this time, you don't hit first. You gotta get him so pissed at you that he really, really just wants to kill you, you know, so just be yourself. And then you take the beating like the little bitch that you are. Daddy's little girl kneels by your side, tears, all of a sudden, he's the shit heel, you're the victim, get a little of that sympathy goin' your way. Tommy: Eh, I don't know if I can do that, Lou. Kenny: Yeah, you can. Do it for Colleen, I'll go with you, it'll be fun.

Kenny: Oh, please, the word 'sex' just makes me wanna crawl into a hole and die. Mike: Why the nun still goin' full steam? Kenny: Gentlemen, if you ever get the chance of becoming romantically involved with a nun, brace yourself. All those years she was saving herself for the Lord, not indulging in sex, well, when that dam breaks and it breaks in a big way. Its like a tsunami, only instead of water, you get hit with sex. Exotic positions, rubbing, touching, sucking, probing-- Tommy (walks in): The tsunami speech again? Kenny: I mean, the wave just keeps coming, destroying everything in it's path. Oh, what I wouldn't give for two hours of straight sleep. Mike: Why don't you tell her you just wanna take a break from the sex thing? I mean, that's what I'm doin'. Franco: No, Mike, what you're doin' is called 'not getting laid.' Mike: No it's a conscience choice, Frank. I'm celibate. Franco: So, no pussy what-so-ever? Mike: Nope. Franco: No more with the cocks and the balls and the hairy asses, and all of that? Mike: No, none of it. Sean: Yeah, but you're still jerkin' off, right? Mike: Are you kiddin'? I'm forming calluses. Franco: So how long is this no sex experiment supposed to last anyway? Mike: Until my cock resets. Kenny: Or he cuts off his hands in shop class. Sean: You know, I could help you out, Mikey. I got a giant box of Maggie's porn if you need some help, you know, raisin' the flag. Mike: Oh, jeez, Sean, I--I may have kind of been with a guy but I'm not such a homo that I can't pop wood at will. Tommy: N-not poppin' wood at will, doesn't mean… you know, you're a homo, it's just means, you know, you might have a…. you know, an emotional blockage, temporary kinda thing…. Sean: Mmmhmm. Like being a homo?

Tommy: So… I should uh, oh my God, I didn't realize--- I'm supposed to be in by 11. I've got a-- a 11 uh… curfew. And uh, it's 11 o'clock or else. Nona: Or else what? Tommy: Uhm, you know, I don't know, um… 'cause I've never really missed, I've always been on time, since we had the baby, I don't really wanna freak my mom out, you know? Nona: Your mom? Tommy: Did I say my mom? Nona: Yeah. Tommy: Oh God, uh… (Nona kisses Tommy) Whoa, that's fast. Uh… it's just that we haven't--- uh…. Nona: Are you wiggin' out because I carried you out of the fire? Because it's my job. Tommy: Well, it's not really your job. I mean, you're a volunteer. Nona: And that's makin' it harder for you, isn't it? Tommy: I-I uh… I-I'll be completely honest with you. … I just think that it would be so much more special if we… just you know, waited. Nona: Get out of my truck. Tommy: Wh--? Nona: No, no, really. Get out of my truck. Tommy: No, no, but I'm serious. Nona: Yeah, are you gay You're gay. Tommy: I'm -- I'm gay my wife is right up-- Nona: Oh, whatever, princess. Just get out. I'll call 'ya, but not after 11. I wouldn't wanna upset your mom.