Rescue Me Season 3 Episode 2

Colleen: Dad, when you want information you ask first then you offer the bribe. That's how it works, you did it the wrong way around this time.
Tommy Duh. I was trying to be nice.
Colleen: And oh, by the way, you're gonna have to gimme another hundred to keep me from tellin' Mom about you gettin' Katy sick.
Tommy: Dream on. I'm not givin' you another dime.
Colleen: Then I'm callin' her right now.
Tommy: Go ahead. See if I care. (Colleen walks away, Tommy hears her dialing on the phone) Ugh! Alright. And you call yourself a Christian. (hands her the money) Unbelievable.

(Afer Colleen tells him that she's a born again Christian)
Tommy: So what's the deal with these born again people?
Colleen: Well, it means that I accept Jesus---
Tommy: Yeah, yeah, I know all that. I'm talking about when it comes to (whispers) sex.
Colleen: What?
Tommy: When it comes to y'know (whispers) sex.
Colleen: Oh, um, no sex until marriage.
Tommy: Really? (Colleen nods) Cool I'm in.
Colleen: But wait don't you wanna know about--
Tommy: No, I'm good. One other thing, who's your mom datin'?
Colleen: I can't tell you.
Tommy: I'm pretty sure there's something in the Bible where Jesus says you should honor your father and your mother, and I think Jesus wants you to tell me who your mom is seein'.

Tommy: I thought the hot new thing at school was blow jobs?
Colleen: Blow jobs were so last year, c'mon Dad, catch up.
Katy: What's a blow job?
Tommy: Uh, nothin', it's, uh, a hair cut...thing.

Sean: What do you got there, a drink?
Maggie: Well, you know what they say, a little cocktail after a little cock. Not that your cock is little.
Sean: Oh, that's very funny, because I was gonna start cryin'. Seriously, what is that?
Maggie: It's a Manhattan. I'm going through a retro phase with booze.
Sean: You know, my mother used to drink those, she used to lemme have the cherry. Ooh, can I have your cherry?
Maggie: You know, you really look like a retard when you make that face.
Sean: What? Sorry.
Maggie: If you know me, I never put fruit in drinks. Cherries are for pies, slot machines and virgins. Do you see any of those around here?

Alicia: So you're intimidated.
Franco: What? No.
Alicia: The thought of being with a older woman who knows exactly what she wants and when she gets it, she knows how to keep it happy, that kinda scares you a little bit, huh?
Franco: You know, I really gotta get back to my buddies.
Alicia: Aren't you tired of girls? I mean, a guy like you, the way you look, I'm sure they're swarming over you like bees to a blossom, huh? (Franco kinda smiles) Yeah. But you're not really happy, are you? I mean, in bed of course, maybe, but afterwards when the you go to talk to them and they look at you with un-clouded eyes, you realize that they're just paper and the only sound they make is a crinkle when you ball them up and toss 'em aside. (Franco is silent) Don't you think you deserve a woman who is made of something a little more than paper?

Franco: You're awfully quiet over there, Lou. You got anythin' to add?
Lou: Oh, don't worry, as soon as I think of somethin' equally idiotic, I'll chime right in.

(About Janet coming to John Sr's party)
Tommy: I got no problem with it. Unless she brings her new boyfriend. (Sheila hands him the travel mug she bought) Then I'm gonna have to shove this Brokeback coffee-travel mug thing right up his goddamn ass.
John Sr.: You know she's got a guy? (Tommy groans)
Sheila: She didn't waste much time, did she? People call me a whore. (Tommy and John Sr. stare at her) Well, they do.

(About his birthday party)
Sheila: It's going to be a disaster.
John Sr.: What're you kiddin'? We're having Chink food and birthday cake. You can't have a disaster with that combination. If they woulda had Chink food and birthday cake at Normandy--World War II...over.

Sean: You know, she looks like my mom.
Tommy: What did you say?
Sean: That lady, she, she reminds me of my mom.
Tommy: Shit.
Jerry: Your mom is that hot?
Sean: Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean, hotter.
Franco: Really? Your mom has that kind of face? Those lips? That kind of rack?
Sean: Yeah, well, my mom's rack is a little bigger actually.
Tommy: Where do you come off mentioning your mom and the word 'rack' in the same sentence?
Sean: I'm just saying, my mom she's, she's got like a large set of... of uh, you know, she's really...
Tommy: Enough! Jesus Christ!
Sean: What?
Tommy: Goddamnit... I was, I was gonna go over and talk to that chick! Let me correctify that. She's not a chick. In a room full of self-involved, young titless little chicks, she's a woman, okay? A real woman. Probably a very witty and wonderful woman...
Franco: With a great rack.
Tommy: The rack was secondary, okay? It doesn't matter now. But the point being, I can't go over there and talk to her now.
Sean: But why, why not?
Tommy: Because even if I went over to talk to her and got her to come home with me somehow, and got her to reveal the afore-mentioned great rack, all I would be thinking about is your mom's rack, and how great your mom's rack is. Not that I ever thought of your mom's rack before, but that's all I can think of now! Your mom's rack!
Sean: Hey, whoa. You know what, my mom's married pal, okay? (Jerry laughs, and Tommy leaves) What?
Franco: Forbidden fruit, ball face.
Sean: You mean, like, melons?

Tommy: What is it?
Sheila: It's a travel mug, so you can drink your coffee on your way to work. It's nice right?
Tommy: Oh yeah, it's gorgeous. You should put a little screen on the side, so you can watch gay porn in between sips.

Colleen: Grandpa, did I tell you how much Jesus loves you?
John Sr.: Yeah, but tell Jesus to lay off. I'm glad he loves me, but that's how rumors get started.

Mickey: This is where it happens. Most people who screw up in the program, this is the kind of thing that does it. You can go through all this trauma, pain, lose a kid, stay straight as an arrow. Then all of a sudden, there's a family get together, a birthday party. Bam. Perfect combination. Accessible booze, a little repressed hostility....
Tommy: How do you handle it?
Mickey: I smoke a ton of weed. (Tommy makes a face at him and Mickey leaves)
Tommy: Asshole.