Rescue Me Season 1 Episode 11

(About his picture in the calendar)
Tommy: You look like the Marlboro Man.
Sean: Really?
Tommy: Yeah. If the Marlboro Man smoked cock instead of cigarettes.

Franco: I'm tellin' ya brother. Havin' your picture in this calendar is like having a license to mint pussy.
Lou: "Mint pussy." May be one of the worst Ben & Jerry flavors of all time.

Tommy: Did you go outside like that?
Uncle Teddy: Like what?
Tommy: Like that. With your joint hangin' out.
Uncle Teddy: Hey, you got issues with the human body, that's your problem. That's your shame-based religious upbringing rearing its ugly head.
Tommy: Speakin' of ugly heads.
Uncle Teddy: Don't lay your issues on me. I got no problem being naked.
Tommy: Oh, yeah? Why don't you go upstairs and look in the mirror? I think there's more than one problem goin' on down there.

Tommy: What's this?
John Sr.: What's it look like?
Tommy: It looks like a joint.
John Sr.: Well, then that's what it is.

Tommy: Want me to make some coffee?
John Sr.: Nah, your coffee sucks.

(After they found out they were cheating on each other)
Lou: Are you gonna stop seein' him?
Phyllis: Are you gonna stop seein' her?
Lou: Who is this guy?
Phyllis: Who's the girl?
Lou: Do I know 'em?
Phyllis: Do I know her?
Lou: You know what? Maybe, maybe we shouldn't be asking questions right now.
Phyllis: Maybe not.
Lou: You know what? Lemme just say this, okay? If you told me, what you told me and I didn't have somethin' goin' on the side, I would have been so goddamn pissed you wouldn't even believe.
Phyllis: Well, you know, I'd be pissed too.

(After they got into a huge fight)
Sheila: This is butter-scotch pudding I made this afternoon. I was gonna let you lick it off my tits. But you blew it! Forget it!
Tommy: Oh yeah? Well, you sh--should have mentioned the pudding first!