Rescue Me Season 2 Episode 5

(About the sensitivity class)
Tommy: This is just to cover the FDNY's ass, that's all this is good for. Just in case some Puerto Rican woman or some fat Chinese guy files a lawsuit against the FDNY or God help us there's another disgruntled female firefighter who thinks she has a case. The FDNY can say "No, no, no, they can't be prejudice, they took this horseshit sensitivity training." Let me tell you somethin' the next time I run into a burning building and refuse to bring out anybody who's not the same color as me, then that's when you can bring my angry, pink, sober, Irish, ass back down here. Got it?

(Don Kleinman is naming racial slurs for Chinese people)
Franco: You see, that's another thing. Puerto Ricans even get shafted when it comes to racial slurs. Chinks have what, like four? We have one-- spick. That's it. The Irish they got, mick, patty, donkey. The Italians they got guinea, wop, dago.
Sean: Yeah, and spaghetti-bender.
Franco: Ah, spaghetti-bender went out of style during Sinatra's first marriage.
Mike: Greaseball.
Franco: Yeah, greaseball. There you have it; that's four.
Tommy: Yeah, and the same thing with the Jews, right? Heeb, kike, Jew boy, Benny.
Franco: Shylock.
Tommy: That's five.
Franco: Black people, forget about it. Spear-Chucker, jungle bunny, raisin head, porch monkeys.
Lou: Spook.
Sean: Tar baby.
Franco: Yeah. It's endless, totally unfair. (Don Kleinman just looks at them, totally mortified) What?

Don Kleinman: Okay, you think you're prejudice?
Tommy: Yep.
Don Kleinman: Against who?
Tommy: Chevy neons that cost 12 grand to buy but have 8,000 dollar paint jobs and have 9 spicks inside of them smokin' weed. That's one thing.
Don Kleinman: Now the term spick--
Franco: It's okay, I'm a spick.
Don Kleinman: Well, see that's not really th---
Tommy: Crazy chink broads that really don't know how to drive in the first place but now they have cell phones stuck to their ears while their doin' 65 MPH down 5th Avenue, huh, right? Crazy chinks on bikes who have 10 pounds of chinese food strapped to the handle bars.

Mickey: It's not about how many meetings you go to, it's about the message.
Tommy: I know.
Mickey: You know? What's the message?
Tommy: The message? It's uh...don't drink.
Mickey: And?
Tommy: I'm not drinkin'.

(Laura brought Keela some peanut butter and Franco comes down to get it because he's a got a girl upstairs)
Laura: You totally have somebody up there don't you? (Franco makes a face) You wouldn't buzz me up, and then you came all the way down here.
Franco: No, no, no. I told you...
Laura: Oh, dude, you are a great lay and a shit liar. (she puts the peanut butter in his hand) So, why don't you take your peanut butter and spread it on whoever you have up there and have yourself a wonderful evening.

John Sr. (about the woman he had an affair with): She had an ass that you can see the future in.
Tommy: That's great. You didn't happen to stick your head up far enough to see that the Yankees were gonna lose four in a row to the Red Sox last fall, now did ya? (John Sr. is quiet) I didn't think so.
John Sr.: I woulda made a hell of a lotta money if I did.

(After they found out he had an affair)
Tommy: Oh Jesus, dad, why?
Johnny: Yeah, let's hear what trumped up, half baked justification you can pull out of your ass this time.
John Sr.: I needed sex. (Johnny and Tommy each put a hand over their eyes and rub their head)

Mike (about his new girlfriend): She's tall.
Sean: No, no. Shaq is tall. Yo-yo Ming is tall.
Franco: Yao Ming.
Sean: Yo.
Franco: Yao.
Sean: No, I was just saying "hi."

Mary Magdalene: My ride's here. (Jesus drives up in a Lamborghini and lowers his sunglasses)

Lou: Hey kid, my dreams are all filled up with Candice Bergen, a chocolate wheelchair and the Olsen Twins.
Chief Jerry: I've had the same dream. Except its Carly Simon and a big tub of chunky peanut butter.
Tommy: Why chunky?
Chief Jerry: Better traction.

Johnny: Whoa, wait a second. You're tellin' me all those years that we were just scrapin' by, those years when we didn't have family vacations, that year when you got me that stupid sled for Christmas that you were supportin' another family?
John Sr.: Now look--
Tommy (interrupting): Wait a minute, are you talking about that sled, that sled with the really cool brakes?
Johnny: Those goddamn brakes never worked.
Tommy (to John Sr.): You told me that was my goddamn sled and that (points to Johnny) he had been bad so Santa brought him a lump of coal for Christmas and that I should let him play with it and pretend that it was his.
John Sr.: Count your blessings because one year when I was a kid, my sisters each got a big box of tampons. And you know what? They were very happy to get them.

Sheila (to Tommy): You're on them pills, them cock pills, aren't you?

Johnny: Are you outta your mind, huh? Did mom know?
John Sr.: If your mother knew we wouldn't be having this conversation because I'd be dead somewhere in some river with my balls in my mouth. (mocking Johnny) "Did mom know?"
Tommy: You know the guy's almost the same age as me, right? He's like a couple weeks younger. I mean how long were you seein' this broad?
John Sr.: Uh... oh, about 36 years.
Johnny: What? You were having an affair for 36 years?
John Sr.: What can I tell you? When it comes to adultry I'm a one woman man.

Franco: You're amazing Mike. Only you could turn a relationship with a woman into a gay experience.