Rescue Me Season 3 Episode 4

Sean: You know what, Tom, this is just you -- being you, y'know, overprotective and thinkin' I'm good enough for your sister.
Tommy: That is not the issue believe me.
Sean: Yes it is.
Tommy: Of course you're good enough for her.
Sean: Oh, really?
Tommy: Yeah. And so are the four other guys, the underwear and the sock guys.
Sean: Oh, very funny. (they get into a shoving match)
Tommy: My sister.
Sean: She's my girlfriend! (Sean starts walking away)
Tommy: And well, one other thing, asshole.
Sean (turns around): What?
Tommy: Don't tell her I mentioned this stuff to you, alright? (Sean turns around and keeps walking away) Please? Sean?

(After they had rough sex)
Tommy: Sorry about the shirt.
Janet: It wasn't one of my favorites. So, you're okay about the chaise longue?
Tommy: Yeah, I'll have a coupla guys pick it up and bring it over.
Janet: Thanks.
Tommy (looks at his watch): If I know my brother he's only a couple of minutes away. So, uh, do you want me to call you or... ?
Janet: No, uh, I'll call you. (Tommy leaves, Johnny pulls up a couple minutes later and rushes into the house. He finds everything intact and Janet sitting on the couch, with a different shirt, just chilling and reading a magazine)

Tommy: Lemme get this straight, you're gonna let me have the dining room table that I bought with the money that I earned from running into burning buildings while other people are running out.
Janet: Yeah. (He pushes her down onto the couch, and tries to have sex with her, she fights him at first, but then gives in)

Janet: Are we having an actual conversation here, or is it you just nodding your head at every thing that I say?
Tommy: A little bit of both.

(on the phone)
Tommy: Lemme ask you somethin'. When did it start? Was it after Connor died, and I asked you personally, as my brother to look after my own kids and my wife. Is that when it started, huh? Was it like a month, a coupla months, huh? Last week? When did it start?
Johnny: It was your Junior Prom when you brought Janet home in that dress so Mom and Dad could take pictures of her. She looked amazing in that dress, Tommy.

(on the phone)
Tommy: Asshole.
Johnny: Dickface.
Tommy: How ya doin'?
Johnny: Not too bad. Couple of broken ribs, a busted tooth, piece of cake.
Tommy: That's too bad. I was kinda hopin' it would be worse.

(Arguing about who should pee first)
Bum: I'm homeless. I got nothin'! No friends, no family, my life is shit.
Lou: My life is bigger shit. My wife whom I love dearly left me for another man. She broke my heart and then she took nearly everything I own. Yeah, and then I met another woman, beautiful, young, gorgeous... hooker but one of the good ones because-- because she didn't make me pay until the end. And then at the end she took every penny that I had on Earth. Then get this-- I'm in a porn store the other day and who do I see on the cover of a triple X but her. So, not only is she a thief and a hooker but she's a porn star. I'm a joke, I'm a loser, I look in the mirror and I wanna puke.
Bum: Be my guest.
Lou: Excuse me?
Bum: You win, loser, you can go first.
Lou: Thanks. (throws his bottle of vodka to the homeless guy and walks off)

Bum: Take a hike, wannabe.
Lou (drunk): You hake a tike.

Tommy: Look, I stopped and had sex on my way here. So I want you to know that this isn't my normal volume, sperm wise.
Carl: I'm sure it's fine.
Tommy: Well, it's just... uh, also the cups are kinda big so...it seems like there's not that much in there.
Carl: I can take your deposit now.
Tommy: Yeah, 'cause I was thinkin' if you could gimme a new cup, I could y'know go home and take care of my business there and put it in the fridge, and bring it in first thing in the morning. (Carl shakes his head) No?
Carl: No. We need to make sure you deposit is fresh, before we freeze it. Don't worry, everyone thinks it's not enough.
Tommy: Oh, really? (hands him the cup)
Carl: I'm sure it's a perfectly normal amount. (Tommy starts walkin' away) Yeah, this is really not enough. Can you come back tomorrow?
Tommy: Yeah. I just wanna point out that it's really cold in that room and--- and you could use smaller cups and better magazines.

(On the phone, Tommy's driving to the sperm bank)
Sheila: How do they remove it from you?
Tommy: The sperm? You know what, I think they go in right above the knee with-- with a little tube and suck the cum right outta your leg. I don't-- what do you think?
Sheila: No, I mean, do they hook you up to some device or...
Tommy: Yeah, they have a penis pump. No! I jerk off into--into a cup or y'know a plastic ice cube tray or something, I don't know.
(Mrs. Turbody calls him, and he talks to her then back to Shelia)
Tommy: Ugh! What?
Sheila (to the driver in front of her): Green light, jackass!
Tommy: You know it's against the law to drive and talk on your cell phone in New York City, y'know that right?
Sheila: Yes, I do, I know that. Look, I just have a little tiny question for you.
Tommy: What?
Sheila: When you're at the sperm bank and you're jerkin' off into a cup, could you, uh, think of me?
Tommy: Why?
Sheila: Because if we then decide to use the sperm at a later date to have a child, it would be sorta like we were actually...connected at the moment that it all started. (Tommy groans and hangs up the phone)

(After Janet, Maggie, and Sheila all call him one after the other)
Tommy: Boy, it's crazy chick callin' day. (while he's on the phone with Sheila, Mrs. Turbody calls him) Boy, it really is crazy chick callin' day.

Alicia (to Franco): And the age issue. Because even though I turn you on and know exactly what you want in bed, you're still thinkin' about bangin' college girls and you're wondering if I know it, and I do.

Little Girl: My arm hurts.
Tommy: Do you play any sports?
Little Girl: No.
Tommy: Well, then your arm really isn't an issue then, is it?