Rescue Me

Season 4 Episode 2

Tuesday

0
Aired Wednesday 10:00 PM Jun 20, 2007 on FX

Trivia

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  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Tommy: You're datin' the guy who saved your life?
      Sheila: Yeah, he's cute, he's sweet, he's strong...
      Tommy: He's 12. You know what? Such a cliche.

    • Sean: Hey guys, can I ask you somethin'?
      Kenny: Oh, here we go.
      Sean: What? What do you mean 'here we go'?
      Kenny: Well, everytime you say 'Hey guys, can I ask you somethin', we're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead end incrediably moronic conversation or you're gonna say somethin' so stupid that we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep because we're gonna end up thinking back to what you said and laughing our tired asses off. Not like it's gonna stop you. (hands out plates of food) My grandma's lemon chicken, you dumb Irish minks, so eat slow. Proceed, Sean.
      Sean: Wow. Okay, you know how uh, porn has come out on DVD so it's like really cheap and available? And you go onto the internet and it's right there and kinda pop-upable in your face. ... Well, here's-- here's my question: Do you guys, do you still use the you know, the good 'ol spank bank?
      Kenny: Finally. A perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation. Congratulations, Garrity.
      Needles: I'll play. My wife's a snoop and I don't use a computer. I hate my wife and I have a lot of romantic regrets so, my spank bank's open every goddamn day. Who do you got, T?
      Tommy: Ellen Degeneres. (they all look at him) What? Have you guys seen her dance?
      Kenny: Okay, you know what? It's offical now, you definatly need some sleep. Frank?
      Franco: Um, yeah I usually keep a rotating stable of about a dozen in my bank. Celebrities, chicks I've saved in fires, chick's I meet at my actually bank, that's my bank spank bank, uh, but ever since I met Natalie she's the only one in there. I might be in love.
      Needles: Love in the spank bank. Is that aloud?
      Kenny: Well, in Franco's case we'll make an exception.
      Needles: Who do you got, Lou?
      Kenny: Well, you're assuming that I get to jerk off, but in my case, seeing how I'm dating a sex-crazed ex-nun, it's not the case. I make a move for my joint and 9 times out of 10 she's already sattled up and ready for the ride.
      Needles: Alright, when you were jerking off.
      Kenny: An eclectic mix. Jessica Lang, Jessica Beil.
      Sean: Jesus, Lou, she's old enough to be your daughter.
      Kenny: Yeah, bingo. Sally Field.
      Needle: Oh, that would get you?
      Kenny: Ah, a flying nun. And that would explain my current situation.

    • Sean: Well, at this stage of the game my wife's got a bigger bank than I do.
      Tommy: I'm eating.
      Sean: Let me think though, Scarlett Johanason. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Gardner. Uh, Barbra Hersh, this chick I went to high school with, uh... Brittney Klein, another chick I went to high school with. Karen Palonowski, whoo she was on the swim team. Janet... Uh lemme see...
      Franco: Janet who?
      Sean: What?
      Franco: Janet who?
      Sean: Janet... Janet... Janakowski. She was uh, on the debate team, she was uh... she was so hot, she could really debate.
      Kenny: Shit. Gimme the knives. (grabs all the knives from the table)
      Sean: What's happening? I don't understand. Shit where was I...?
      Tommy: I think you were talking about my wife.
      Sean: No, no, god no, I was not talking about... your wife?
      Tommy: Yes, yes, you were. You're jerkin' off to my wife.
      Sean: No. Oh my God, I don't know where you got that from, I did not say that! I would never...
      Tommy: Yes, yes you did. That's what you said. Yes you did. You did, you did!
      Sean: Okay, I did. But let me explain. It was the pinic a few years ago, okay? You remember she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see though and we had a water ballon fight, I mean come on!
      Tommy: The water ballon fight?!
      Sean: Come on you guys remember the water ballon fight, right? Come on guys, help me out. (they are silent)
      Tommy: You're jerking off to my wife?
      Sean: I would never jerk off to Janet. Come on!
      Tommy: Ah-ah-ah! Don't use her name and jerk off in the same sentence.
      Sean: Okay, okay, just let me explain. It's very innocent. In my mind, sh-she just kind of wanders, and--
      Tommy: She wanders in where?
      Sean: She wanders into my mind and she comes in wearing the same white blouse and it's see through and went and clingy and-- and she tries to seduce me.
      Tommy: What?
      Sean: Yeah, she tries to seduce me and unblouse herself, from the clingy wet--
      Tommy: Unblouse herself? Clingy?!
      Sean: But here's the thing, I- I don't do it. I run. I run away. I run into the arms of Jan-- Janet-fer Aniston.
      Tommy: He's married to my sister and he's jerkin' off to my wife. I mean, it's just a matter of time before my 18 year old daughter... (Sean tries to drink out of a glass, but his hand is shaking so much he can't)

    • Janet: Are you worried?
      Tommy: Huh? Yeah, yeah. I'm worried.
      Janet: Well, how could you fall asleep then?
      Tommy: Because somewhere between me sleeping with her aunt and you sleeping with her uncle, I thought we would come to a little Mexician stand off. (Tommy rolls over on his side, Janet throws a book at him) Oh, god damnit!
      Janet: You slept with Sheila first.
      Tommy: Okay, yeah when we were seperated. Who had sex first, huh?
      Janet: What that we can prove?

    • Tommy (buying Johnnie Walker Blue): Okay, how much?
      Man: 229.98.
      Tommy: Jesus Christ, it's whiskey, right?
      Man: 40 year old, whiskey, sir.
      Tommy: What are you chargin' me 8 bucks a year?

    • Elle: Jameson. My mother, when we were babies she used to put a little drop of Jameson's in our bottle. Worked like a charm.
      Eddie: Not in this family.
      Teddy: You know where the secret ingrediant in Jameson comes from?
      Elle: Where?
      Teddy: The Gavin DNA.
      Tommy: Hey, if you see a liquor store pull over.
      Teddy: See?

    • Janet (on the phone with Tommy): Hey, Colleen hasn't been to school in 3 days.
      Tommy: What?
      Janet: Yeah, and that's not the worst part. I think she may have run away.
      Tommy: Why?
      Janet: Why? Uh, let's see, your affair with her aunt, your possible jail sentence, your drinking...
      Tommy: Yeah, how about your affair with my brother? And then having an affair with me while you're having an affair with my brother, huh? How abou that? You know, I don't mean why psycologically, emotionally, why. I mean, why do you think she ran away, why.
      Janet: Because she emptied out her bra and panty drawer and no girl does that unless she's leaving for a long, long time.
      Tommy (puts the phone down, to Elle): Hey, when a girl takes off and she takes all of her bras and panties with her, what's that mean?
      Elle: It means she's goin' to the landromat.
      Tommy: Really?
      Elle: And she's never comin' back.
      Janet: Where are you?
      Tommy: Oh, I'm in a car with Teddy and Elle, he just got off.
      Janet: Oh, tell her I said hello. (Tommy does so) And congratulate Teddy, and call the police about your missing daughter.

    • Elle (Tommy is on the phone with Janet, talking about Colleen running away): How old is she?
      Tommy: 18.
      Elle: She have a boyfriend?
      Tommy: Yeah.
      Elle: Is he in a band?
      Tommy: Yeah.
      Elle: She'll be home in two months.
      Janet: Two months?! Jesus!
      Tommy: Okay, calm down..
      Teddy: How do you know?
      Elle: Well, I ran away with a lead guitarist when I was 18 and two months later I found him in bed with a groupie.
      Teddy: Well, what'd you do?
      Elle: I joined in-- What do you mean 'what did I do'? I threw his guitar out the window and then I called my mother. Is her boyfriend a lead singer?
      Janet: Yeah.
      Tommy: Uh, yes.
      Elle: Well, then that's different.
      Tommy (into phone): That's different.
      Elle: Yeah, she'll be back in two weeks.
      Janet: Two weeks?!
      Tommy: Take it easy. Honey, stop cryin'.
      Janet: That is not me, Tommy, that's the baby.

    • Tommy: FDNY ain't like it used to be, man. It's all bean counters and brown nosers now. Guys like me, a dyin' breed.
      Eddie: Oh, yeah, with the drinkin' and the druggin' and the mistresses, and the lyin and the cheatin'. World ain't what it used to be, huh, Tom? Hey, we gotta go. Teddy's case just came in.
      Tommy: Is that good or bad?
      Eddie: If I had to bet right now on your case or Teddy's I'd have to call it even.
      Tommy: Why's that?
      Eddie: Because they both hinge on the same thing.
      Tommy: Which is?
      Eddie: Dead dicks.

    • Maggie (after she threw out her porno): I just started thinkin' about it from your point of view, Sean. And I thought about it and I realized that I was wrong and you were right. I was enmasulating you to get myself off. I was injecting my former fanatasies into a present day realtionship. Totally unfair, and totally unnessecary because I have you. You are so sweet and gorgeous and you're in the here and now. So, I'm all done with porno and I'm all yours, Sean.
      Sean: Wow, Maggie, thank you very much. That's just-- that's just a really nice gesture on your part.
      Maggie: So, good, okay. 'Cause I was gettin' sick of hidin' that box.
      Sean: And I was gettin' sick of lookin' for it.
      Maggie: And always dustin' off those DVDs, you can't imagine how dusty they get. So, I guess it's back to the old spank bank for now.
      Sean: Honey, did you just say 'spank bank'?
      Maggie: Well, yeah.
      Sean: So you actually have a-a-
      Maggie: Spank bank? Yeah, yeah. A huge one. Oh, I know, I know you think that only men can have spank banks. But don't forget, I grew up around Tommy, the king of the spank bank. I learned from the master how to store up all my eager little fantasies and then access them in my mind whenever I feel the need to get off. Huh. I haven't done that in a while though. Speaking of which, don't you have somewhere you have to be?
      Sean: N-not at all, really.
      Maggie: What? You don't have a spank bank?
      Sean: Yeah, of course I have a spank bank, I'm a guy.
      Maggie: So am I in it?
      Sean: Yeah, yeah. Of course you're in it... you're in it in a variety of ways. What about me? Am I in yours?
      Maggie: W-well I'm gonna be putting you in this afternoon. (Sean frowns) I just said I haven't been using the goddamn thing!

    • Kenny: Okay, now laugh, put your arm around me like I said somethin' funny.
      Franco: What?
      Kenny: I wanna promote racial harmony in the house, quick!
      Franco: Alright, promise me that I don't have clean the kitchen after next shift.
      Kenny: Blow me.
      Franco: No kitchen deal, no racial harmony. Here he comes.
      Kenny: Alright, alright.
      Franco (laughs and puts his arm around him): Fat ass Irish donkey.
      Kenny: You sneaky little spick.

    • Kenny (about Black Shawn): He's the black Jackie Ryan.
      Franco: Why couldn't he just be a kick ass ball player? Why does he have to be the black version of some old white guy?
      Kenny: 'Cause I'm a lieutentant and I get to say what I want. I could've said he was the chocolate Jackie Ryan but I didn't.
      Franco: Jesus, even basketball makes you think of chocolate.
      Kenny: No, basketball makes me think of pumpkin, which makes me think of pie, which makes me think of whipped cream. This probie makes me think of chocolate.

    • Sheila: You were sober when you first came over, do you remember that?
      Tommy: I remember breaking the news to you, I remember you getting pissed off, and I remember watch the meerkats.
      Sheila: You were more interested in the meerkats than you were my feelings.
      Tommy: That is such a bunch of bullshit.
      Sheila: Any who! We watched the meercats for like 45 minutes or something and then I realized that apperentally this entire time you were making drink after drink for yourself. Actually, you weren't even making drinks, you were just pouring these huge glasses of vodka for yourself. I thought that you were drinking water. And then the next thing that I know, is that you were all over me and it was getting really hot and then--
      Tommy: What?
      Sheila: You couldn't get it up. I tried everything, I did. And the more I tried the madder you got and then you flipped out and then you picked up this vase or something and you hit this glass lantern, antiquey thing that I bought. So, I went upstairs to get the fire extingusher and then I heard this huge explosion and you came running up the stairs to get me and then I saw you fall backwards down the stairs.
      Tommy: So... You're tellin' me that you tried everything? (Sheila glares at him) Even that tongue thing that you sometimes do?
      Sheila: I tried it, twice.

    • Tommy: I wanna know what really happened that night, okay? All of it.
      Sheila: You know the truth, Tommy. You're an uncontrollable alcohol with a heavy case of survivor's guilt. Couple of big swigs, the guilt goes right out the window, and you're rippin' off my panties and wippin' out your dick. I saw somethin' about it on Oprah, the grieving process. That's how men deal with death. They wanna have a lot of sex, they think it kills off all the emotions inside.
      Tommy: Oprah said that?
      Sheila: She did.

    • Tommy (after Sheila sprays him with perfume): Wh-what are you doing?
      Sheila: You had a little baby stink on you. Anyway, it's Curious by Britney Spears, it's fancy.
      Tommy: Well, the mystery's over, she's a whore.

  • Notes

    • Original International Air Dates:
      Czech Republic: May 17, 2009 on AXN
      Finland: November 19, 2009 on Nelonen

    • Music Featured In This Episode:
      Wolf Like Me by TV on the Radio
      Backseat Nothing by The Del Fuegos

  • Allusions

    • Tommy: I remember breaking the news to you, I remember you getting pissed off, and I remember watch the meerkats.
      Sheila: You were more interested in the meerkats than you were my feelings.

      Meerkat Manor is a British television program produced by Oxford Scientific Films for Animal Planet International. Blending more traditional animal documentary style footage with dramatic narration, the series tells the story of the Whiskers, one of over a dozen families of meerkats in the Kalahari Desert being studied as part of the Kalahari Meerkat Project, a long-term field study into the ecological causes and evolutionary consequences of the cooperative nature of meerkats.

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