Rescue Me Season 3 Episode 11

(John Sr. is drunk)
John Sr.: You know, you're always touching me, now cut it out!
Tommy: I'm trying to help 'ya.
John Sr.: I don't need you help. Careful, don't let me fall. Hold on.
Tommy: Do you want me to touch you or not?
John Sr.: I'll tell you when to touch me and when not to touch me. Now get your hands off of me. (walks a little ways) Hold on to me for Christ's sake.
Tommy: Jesus Christ!

Tommy (after seeing the woman Lou was just with): Hey. Nice.
Lou: Yeah, she's cute, huh?
Tommy: Yeah, how was she?
Lou: Oh, come on now. Nice guys don't tell. Now, get out of here punk, you're ruining my afterglow.
Tommy: Goodnight. (Tommy shuts the door to Lou's bedroom and walks back to the living room, finding Lou's girlfriend now fully clothed. Tommy sees that she's a nun)

Tommy: Tell me that she is not a nun. Tell me that, she was wearing a nun costume like her French maid costume was at the dry cleaners or somethin', right?
Lou (sighs): Okay. Confusion is to be expected with this conversation. What the mind sees is sometimes not which is real but the reality that is brought to it.
Tommy: Really?
Lou: I'm brushing up on Buddhism. The Buddhist approach to things. Ask yourself this Tommy: If a tree falls in the forest... (Lou opens up a book. Tommy takes Lou's book and throws it out the window, Lou just keeps talking)...and there's no one there to see it or hear it, would you still be such an asshole? Actually, you might've done me a favor there by discarding one of my possessions. That's part of the path to enlightenment.
Tommy: Okay, my foot is about to take the enlighten path up your ass. Is she a nun or is she not a nun?
Lou (pauses): She's a semi-nun.
Tommy: She's a semi-nun, what does that mean? She's in the Nun National Guard, huh? What, She's the bride of Christ one weekend a month? What the hell's that mean?!
Lou: Why don't you sit down and calm yourself and I'll make us some green tea. And we will talk.
Tommy: I'm not sitting with you and doing anything, okay? You have crossed a boundary my friend.
Lou: You have boundaries?
Tommy: I have one boundary Lou. One boundary and one boundary only, and that is no sex with nuns in the place where I live.

Lou: She's a nun until the end of the month, okay? She's leaving the order, they know all about it. She's trying to spend a few days, every week, out of the convent trying to adjust.
Tommy (gritting his teeth): Time to adjust what, her vagina?
Lou: She's living under their roof for a couple more weeks, she has to abide by their rules...This could be really big for me Tommy.
Tommy: Oh, I'm sure--sure it is. A nun, what's bigger than a nun? A saint?
Lou: You know, I've got a chance here. She's only been with two guys, one was some clown back in high school and the other was, you know, (mutters) Jesus.
Tommy: Yeah, Jesus, our lord and savior who died for our sins, that Jesus, right?
Lou: Yeah but word on the street is that I was created in his image, you know. There are those people that say, that I too move in mysterious ways.
Tommy: Uh huh. And technically she's still married to him so that means she's cheating on the son of God with you!
Lou: I got 100 pounds on the guy, and look no holes in my hands. Bring it on Jesus!
Tommy: Okay, you just crossed the second boundary, I--I need to lay down. (clutching his chest) What is that smell? It is either the kitchen or I think you might have actually burned a hole in my soul...oh yeah that is it, uh, oh yeah...right through the middle of the soul.

Sean: I'm getting the feeling we're not on the same page here about this wedding.
Maggie: No, I'm getting the feeling we're not in the same book.
Sean: Okay, well, I'll do it how ever you want, but what's important to me is that we're standing there taking our vows in the eyes of God, alright?
Maggie: Where in the eyes of God?
Sean: Where do you think, Maggie? In a church, alright? In his house.
Maggie: Can't God come to our house?
Sean: Maggie, please, can't you do this for me and my folks?
Maggie: I'm no good in churches, Sean. They creep me out. All those statues looking down on me, judging, knowing all the dirty, promiscuous, unprotected sex I've had.

Tommy: What happened?
John Sr.: Ah, I burned my eggs.
Tommy: I was gone what, 15 minutes, huh? You almost burned the goddamn house down. I told 'ya I was gonna make your goddamn eggs for 'ya.
John Sr.: It was only part of the kitchen. Do you see a fire there now?
Tommy: No!
John Sr.: That's because I put it out.

Tommy: You are an idiot.
Sean: How am I and idiot?
Tommy: How're you an idiot?
Sean: Well, ask anyone blueberry pie counts as a fruit.
Tommy: Okay, blueberry pie is not a fruit. Do you get it off bushes, do you pluck it off trees, do you walk out into the fields and harvest blueberry pie? No!
Lou: Oh, but Tom, what a wonderful world if you could. (alarm goes off for another job)
Sean: Okay, what comes on blueberry pie, blueberries, true or false?
Tommy: Yeah and other things.
Sean: Okay, so it's a fruit.
Tommy: You know what, get on the truck. Next call I'm settin' you on fire.

Guy in Wheelchair: Will you assholes stop talking and get me out of here?
Tommy (talking slowly): How...do...you...usually---
Sean: He's not deaf, just in a wheelchair.
Mike: Why can't we just take him out of the wheelchair?
Guy in Wheelchair: I'll die, you dumb shit.

Maggie: I'm having a nicotine kick, I walk into any holy building and my body chemistry goes completely ape shit.
Sean: Don't swear in here.
Maggie: Ape shit is not a swear word. It's a zoological term.
Priest (walks in): Hi. I'm Father Daniel Chappy. Call me Father Dan. I hope I haven't keep you waiting too long.
Sean: No, no, sir.
Maggie: Yeah, like 20 minutes, but like, who's counting?
Priest: So Sean and Maggie. Congratulations on undertaking the holy sacrament of marriage. (Maggie rolls her eyes) Okay, let's be sure we got all your information. I assume your given name is Margaret?
Sean: Gavin.
Priest: What?
Sean: You said given name, it's Gavin, (Maggie sighs and rolls her eyes at him)
Priest: I was asking about her name at birth.
Sean: Oh, right, sorry, just trying to help.
Priest: Is it Margaret?
Maggie: Uh, no.
Priest: Well, then what is it?
Maggie: It's none of your beeswax.
Sean: Maggie can you please…
Maggie: I'm sorry but can't he look it up? (turns to the priest) Peggy Sue.
Sean: What? Peggy Sue?
Priest: Your father was a Buddy Holly fan?
Maggie: Did he name me Buddy?
Priest: This is the first marriage in a church for both of you?
Sean: For me, yes.
Maggie: And it is for me too. Well, not counting the other three stinkers that I have under my belt, but they weren't in the church. The first time I got married by a monk, the second time by a précis, the third time by some guy in a cape on a beach and one of us was naked. Can I smoke in here?
Sean: Maggie!
Maggie: What? He walks around burning inscents all day, what's a little more smoke gonna do, right Sean? Right, Danny? (Maggie lights the cigarette)
Priest: Uh-uh, there's no smoking in here. (he hands her a tray and she puts the cigarette on it)
Maggie (to Sean): He's probably gonna smoke that when we leave.
Sean: Okay, could you cut it out, please? Jesus. (to Priest) Ooh, sorry.
Priest: The two of you haven't come here on a dare, have 'ya?
Sean: No, no, seriously father, please…ignore my fiancée she's having some issues with the church and you know, we're working them out…in counseling. Uh, yes, marriage, Catholic issue counseling. It's really very helpful.
Priest: I see. And where are you receiving this counseling?
Maggie: Uh, Murphy's Pub on 48th.
Priest: Okay, I think we're done here. Should, you uh, find a church that's willing to marry you, I wanna wish you both the best of luck.
Maggie: How dare you walk out on us you sanctimonious tool. You have no idea how important this is to him.
Priest: I assisted during an exorcism in a small village outside Nairobi in 1977, or did we meet somewhere else?

Mike: I like Maggie and everything, but she makes me kind of like...nervous.
Sean: Really? Nervous how?
Mike: Like if she looks at me to long I might cry.
Sean: Yeah, I get that too.