Djaq (Episodes 5+)
Vasney, Sheriff of Nottingham
Goof: When Allan sees the mask, he crosses himself - with the wrong hand. Roman Catholics (which is the church all English belonged to until the sixteenth century) cross themselves with their right hand, not their left, which Allan did.
In a curious anachronism, the veteran of the war in the Holy Land wears modern US Army desert camouflage trousers throughout the episode.
When Robin sees Marian's new horse, he asks her if the Night Watchman has been 'dipping into profits'. It was established Marian was the Night Watchman in 'Who Shot The Sheriff?'
Sheriff: (when drawn into fighting) I hate this, this isn't much fun at all.
Prince Malik: Allah wills peace.
Sheriff of Nottingham: (to Prince Malik) We have a saying in this country. All work and no play, that's what the poor do.
Much: It's amazing what a few well-placed needles can do.
Robin: I don't think it was just the needles, Much. You understood him. You gave him hope
Much: I didn't do anything. I just listened to him
Robin: Well, maybe that's the real magic. Listening.
(Robin walks off, whistling)
Much: Why don't you listen to me more then, Master? (Robin doesn't answer him) Master!
Robin: What, sorry? Sorry, did you say something?
Much: Unbelievable. You talk to me about listening and then you don't listen!
Much: You talk to me about listening… (Robin smiles) Very funny. Very funny.
(Harold offers to travel with Prince Malik back to the Holy Land)
Much: You're going to go back there?
Harold: No true peace in here (touches the side of his head) until there's peace out there.
Robin: I'm afraid your hopes for peace may be in vain.
Prince Malik: Not so. Think about it, my friend. Saladin sends his finest soldiers to kill me, yet I survive. It is the will of Allah. Allah wills peace. Saladin may be ruthless but he is also a good Muslim and even he must follow the will of Allah.
Sheriff of Nottingham: (after allying himself with Robin against Saladin's assassins) Locksley, remember… business as usual tomorrow.
Robin: I look forward to it.
Prince Malik: Enough excuses! We must start the peace negotiations tonight. Every day that passes, more innocent lives are lost!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Yardy-yardy-yar.
Prince Malik: I warn you, Sheriff, I have heard aspersions cast on your honesty.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Aspersions? Surely not!
Prince Malik: Now I insist. We start the talks today or I travel to London and find Prince John myself
Sheriff of Nottingham: You see, Gisborne, this is what you have to look forward to. Already, he's starting to sound like a wife.
Prince Malik: How dare you insult me!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Two words. Peace? Off! Throw him in the dungeon.
Harold: If I'm to be destroyed, let it be a soldier's death, not an invalid's.
Much: It doesn't have to be either. Your mind, it can heal, in time. I saw the horrors, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, but I'm still…
Harold: You just saw them. I did them. See these? (Much opens Harold's shirt to find his chest covered in markings) They captured me, tormented me, tortured me until I killed my own, killed innocents. Killing was the only thing numbed the pain. I'm a monster. I'm going to hell.
Much: Who's they? Who did this to you?
Harold: Pray you never meet them.
Robin: My friends would like to know about this mask.
Prince Malik: What have you done to it? I cannot present it now!
Much: That's a gift?
Prince Malik: It was. A peace offering.
Allan A Dale: Peace? Let's stick needles in his head, see how he likes it.
Prince Malik: This is what happens when cousins marry. This is a model for teaching. Needles placed correctly on parts of the body can cure all sorts of ailments
Allan A Dale: Sounds like dodgy magic to me
Prince Malik: This is science, not magic.
Will Scarlett: What, so you're a physician, then?
Robin: You see, John, a physician. That's all.
Prince Malik: I'm not physician. I'm an ambassador. This gift for Prince John is a gift of healing, to celebrate our new peace treaty.
Robin: Prince John wants peace?
Prince Malik: I want peace. The Holy Lands are drenched in blood. Thousands of men die, on both sides. This is not the will of Allah. It is the duty of all good men to put an end to this barbarity. So I come to negotiate with Prince John and the Sheriff.
Harold: You must get the dreams.
Much: Of course. It's our punishment.
(Harold wakes up inside a cage)
Much: Don't worry. It's for your own protection. Well, ours really.
Harold: What did I do this time?
Much: Well, let's just say you… ruined the kebabs.
Harold: You don't have to lie to me.
Much: You tried to kill Djaq because she is a Saracen. Which, if I may say, is odd considering five minutes ago, you were going to burn down a Christian church. I mean, come on, make your mind up.
Harold: The Saracen! Beware the Saracen!
Harold: The Saracen destroys everything, in your mind.
Much: Listen to me. Apart from being a girl, Djaq is one of the lads. Alright? (pause) Do you know when it's going to happen, these turns?
Harold: Anything can start it. I'm watching a child fishing in the stream, and suddenly I'm looking in the water…
Much: The water's full of bodies, drowned and left to rot.
Marian: Some men take pleasure in giving women gifts.
Robin: This is a lot of gift and, tell me, was it a lot of pleasure? And how were you thinking of reciprocating?
Marian: Maybe you'd find out if you gave me a gift. As it is, you only come out of the woodwork to ask me for favours. Like now.
(Little John is unnerved by the mask)
Robin: You're not serious? The biggest man in Sherwood, jumping at shadows.
Little John: Not shadows. The Devil!
Allan A Dale: And another thing, my cousin definitely saw a man turn into a frog. He did, just outside of Dorchester.
Will Scarlett: I thought you said he was always drunk, your cousin.
Allan A Dale: Well, he is but still…
Robin: Another mouth for dinner. (he shows Much the mask; Much yells and jumps away) Not you as well!
Much: What is that?
Robin: Put it this way, I would not like to be on the receiving end of this.
Much: It looks like it's for torture
Allan A Dale: Whatever it is, that is not Christian. (Robin fiddles with the mask) Don't do that! You might cause plagues of locusts, rivers of blood.
Robin: What? Our friends are convinced a master of the dark arts is at the castle, someone from the East to scare us, a bogeyman under the bed. Come on! Look, it's working already
Guy of Gisborne: Marian and I have had a disagreement, that's all. I had hoped…
Sheriff of Nottingham: Hope? I would rather be dead than spend my life hoping. 'I hope for this', 'I hope for that'. Buy her something. A trinket or two.
(Much hesitates to care for Harold)
Robin: Well, you looked after me all these years.
Allan-A-Dale: Yeah, but… he's a menace
Much: Yes. (pause; to Allan) Do you know, I think that's the first time we've agreed on something.
Robin: It's strange. He fought like a Crusader back in Locksley.
Will Scarlett: Yeah, the wrong side by the looks of him.
Robin: No, he definitely went out with King Richard. He's beyond sides now. War has turned his mind.
Much: Crusader Sickness.
Robin: And there'll be thousands more like him while the war drags on. He needs care.
Much: So, Master, forgive me, but you found him trying to burn a church, yet you save him and not the church.
Robin: Because I could not fit the church on my horse.
(As the villagers try to drown Harold, Robin rides into the village to save him)
Villager: It's the Devil! Come to save his own!
Robin: The Devil couldn't make it, you'll have to deal with me instead.
Sheriff of Nottingham: War is so much more profitable than peace
Allan-a-Dale War in the Holy Land is 2,000 miles away, it's not our problem!
Robin Hood No, Allan, you're wrong. War is here, it's right here in the forest.
Guy of Gisborne: Marian is not the type to be bought.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Nonsense, all women can be bought.
This episode first aired in the United States on Saturday May 5, 2007.
Allan is worried that Robin will unleash 'plagues of locusts, rivers of blood' by messing around with the mask. These are two of the ten plagues visited upon the people of Egypt when the Pharoah would not free the Israelites, according to the Old Testament book of Exodus.
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