The episode opens on a street scene, zeroing in on Robson Arms lobby where we see Nick checking his mailbox as Sault comes down the stairs. She sees him and creeps back up the stairs to avoid meeting him. Bobbi is in the Tan's store, in the feminine products aisle, looking concerned. She walks away, leaving a pregnancy test on the shelf beside the pads. Yuri, the Super, is fixing some wiring, and finds Bushy-Bush the hamster [reference to episode 10, "Educating Alicia" where Alicia lost him]. He quickly hides him when Pauline Dubois comes in the room.
Pauline Dubois is playing solitaire while Yuri is in the kitchen fixing the stove. Her sister Bea comes along, and starts pointing out moves that Pauline can make. She then mentions to Pauline that the building needs a new washing machine in the laundry room, and that they owe it to the tenants. Pauline says, "Absolutely not! No new appliances!" Yuri comes out of the kitchen and tells them that he's installed a new clamp and hose and that if the pilot light on their gas range ever goes out again, they should give him a call. While Pauline is walking Yuri out of the apartment, Bea takes one of the playing cards and throws it out the window.
Pauline is playing cards again, and can't seem to win. "This makes no sense," she comments.
Nick knocks on the Dubois' door. When Pauline answers, he holds up a playing card, saying, "I think this fell out of your window." He's invited in, and ends up sitting between the two ladies, looking through old photo albums. Bea offers him a candy, and Nick says, "Humbugs! I haven't seen these since I was.... like... um....." and trails off into silence as he takes a candy. He then asks who the soldier is in the picture. Pauline says that he was her finace; Bea says, "No, he was ~my~ finace!" As the two argue about whose finace he was, Nick asks what happened to him? Pauline says, "He went and got himself killed liberating France." Nick decides it's time for him to go, and Bea offers to show him to the door, but as she starts to get up, she has a back pain. Nick asks if she's alright, and Pauline says, "She's fine, she has the constitution of an ox." She walks Nick to the door, then tells Bea she'll get her an aspirin.
Yuir is wheeling in a very large box, and from the writing on it, we see that it's a new washing machine. As he passes the Dubois' door, Pauline comes out and sees what he has. She just looks at him, and he says, "The other Miss Dubois told me that you wanted a new one." She continues to look at him, and he wheels the washing machine back out.
Bea comes into the apartment and Pauline asks her where she's been. Bea says, "I just went over to see Eunice." Pauline tells her, "It's amazing that you got back so soon considering she's in Palm Springs." Bea says, "Oh, I meant to say 'Doris'," then suggests that it's time for their afternoon naps, and they both enter their bedrooms.
Bea sneaks out of her bedroom and leaves the apartment; Pauline comes out a few seconds later and follows her.
Yuri is singing to Bushy-Bush while working on something in his apartment. There's a knock at his door, and since he's not wearing any pants, he has to frantically search around for something to cover himself. He grabs his tool belt and puts it on over his boxers. He opens the door, and Bea is standing there. She checks with him that the man in apartment 214 is a lawyer. The super confirms this, then tells her that he has to go out. She suggests that it might be a little drafty with no pants on, and leaves. Seconds later, there's another knock on his door, and it's Pauline. She demands to know what her sister wanted. She tells Yuri, "I know where you live.....I OWN where you live." So Yuri tells her that Bea asked about the lawyer in 214. Pauline thanks him and leaves.
When Bea retuns to her apartment, Pauline confronts her, telling her, "I know what you're up to behind my back. You're trying to sell the building." Bea says no, she's just trying to put her affairs in order, "so that you won't have such problems." Pauline corrects her, saying, "You mean so that WE won't have such problems." Bea says, "No, I meant you." She then tells Pauline that she's been to the doctor, and that she's dying - she needs a new ticker. Pauline doesn't take this news well - she blows up at Bea, telling her, "Our entire lives, you've always gone first.....you're not going to get away with this....I'm dying first!" During this speech, Pauline is storming around the apartment, and ends up by the window, tangled up in the curtains, and ends up falling out the window, taking the curtains with her. Bea has been placidly sitting on the sofa the entire time, and when Pauline goes out the window, Bea calmly takes a candy, pops it in her mouth, then walks over to the window, looks out and sees Pauline in the dumpster, just below the window of their first floor apartment. She asks if she should call 911?
Hal and Nick are in their apartment with some friends, the four of them sitting on the sofa, obviously stoned. There's a knock on the door, and when Nick answers, it's Bea there, with the candy dish. She gives it to Nick, telling him, "Humbugs from a humbug." While she's offering him the candy dish, the friends on the sofa are calling out such useful advice as, "Don't accept candy from a stranger!" Nick thanks Bea and unwillingly takes the dish, then returns to the sofa. His friends look at the candy dish and decide that the lid looks "like that German Kaiser's hat." They put it on his head and laugh hysterically.
Bea goes back to her apartment, and calls for Pauline, but there's no answer. She goes to the closet to hang up her sweater, and there's Pauline, hanging from the closet bar. Bea looks down and sees that Pauline's feet are on the floor, so she just hangs up her sweater and closes the closet door again.
Pauline comes out of the closet, goes into the livingroom, and notices that the spot that used to be where the candy dish stood is now empty.
Pauline knocks on Nick and Hal's apartment door. Hal answers, and Pauline tells him, "I want my dish back. It's my mother's lead crystal bowl and she left it to both of us." Hal tells her that Nick isn't in right now, but Pauline doesn't care. She tells him, "Hand it over you weed-head, or I'll call the cops!" Hal searches through some junk on their sofa, finds the dish, and returns it to Pauline.
Pauline is lying on her bed when Bea enters the bedroom. Pauline tells her, "Just let me die with dignity." Bea looks around and sees a pill bottle. She picks it up and takes out one of the remaining pills and pops it in her mouth. "This is a tic-tak! Death by breath mint," she says. She tells Pauline, "This has got to stop, I'm not playing any more." She leaves the bedroom and goes into the livingroom, and notices the candy dish sitting on the table.
Bea, holding the candy dish, knocks on Nick and Hal's apartment door. When Nick answers, she holds out the dish to him, and he tells her, "I already have one." "No you don't," Bea tells him. Nick is confused, but accepts the dish. A few seconds after he closes the door behind Bea, there's another knock on the door. It's Pauline, demanding the candy dish back. Nick gives it to her.
Pauline returns the candy dish to its usual spot, and notices a binder on the table. She opens it up, and discovers that it's funeral information.
Bea is sitting on the sofa of her apartment, talking to a man from the funeral home, discussing coffins. The camera pans back and we see Pauline sitting at the table, with another man, from another funeral home, also discussing funeral arrangements. Bea decides on a titanium coffin, and Pauline mocks her choice, saying, "Thank God your coffin will stay in one piece while you're putrefying!" Pauline decides that she wants "the full-meal deal" for her funeral. Bea says that she just wants a simple monument. Pauline tells her that that's ridiculous - to have an expensive coffin that no one will see, and a small monument that everyone will see. Bea's funeral director points out that a small monument will really be obvious since Bea's plot is right next to Pauline's, and Pauline intends to have a large one. Bea asks if there are any other plots available elsewhere in the cemetary, and chooses one far from Pauline's plot. The two women get into an argument over who's better, bringing up things from that past. Bea tells Pauline that Pauline has always made her feel guilty about doing things first, and then says, "Now that I'm dying you're doing your best to make me feel guilty about that too!" Pauline tells the two funeral directors to leave.
Pauline is sitting in the livingroom, looking through old photo albums while Bea is resting on the sofa. We can see from the look on her face that Pauline comes to a decision. Pauline tells Bea, "I don't want you to go.....you're my life." Bea agrees, "And you're mine." Pauline admits that she doesn't want to be left behind.
Bea and Pauline are in the kitchen. Pauline has a tea tray with tea and cookies on it. Bea is at the stove, and she turns on two of the gas burners. Pauline turns on the other two, and they leave the kitchen with the gas running. They go to the livingroom, sit on the sofa, drink their tea and look through old photo albums. This time, they're agreeing on things, and although there are some arguments, they're different this time. Now they're arguing that the soldier liked the other one better rather than herself. They're reminiscing fondly about the past as the camera pans back to the kitchen and we hear the distant sound of their conversation and laughter, and the hiss of the gas from the stove.