Roseanne

Fred: Hey, girls, what are you doing? Becky: (sorting through a box) Just looking at stuff no one wants anymore. Darlene: (sarcastically) Oh, she doesn't mean you, Fred.

DJ: (using a camcorder to record a message to his unborn sibling) Hi! I'm DJ, your older brother. Ha! By the time you see this, I'll have a moustache, 'cause I just sent away for it!

Dan: (listening to Jackie talk 'crazy' about Fred) I'm gonna get a beer. Enjoy your tour of the galaxy.

Roseanne: (recording a message to her unborn child via a camcorder) Your dad works really hard. He, um, always wanted to give you guys... everything. But, um, over the years, I guess, uh, his dreams kinda fell down, one right after the other. But, now he's working for the city, which is great because you cannot be fired for reason, whatsoever– ya know, just like in congress. And, uh, I do have to say, though, that no matter how hard he works, I've worked harder. I have worked, uh, whe-whether your dad was laid up, or laid off. I'm the one who brought home the bacon. I cooked it up myself. And, yeah, sure, I took a few bites off the top, but I figured, I gotta reward myself some way, um, and, I never complained, and I have never, ever asked anybody for help. Because, ya know, even if I did, it's not like anybody would lift a finger to help me, anyway.

Roseanne: I can't imagine what you'll see in your life, because I've seen some pretty amazing things. I've seen men walk on the moon, uh...a woman run for vice president, the fall of communism, and Michael Jackson married Lisa Marie Presley, an event that will send thousands of Elvis impersonators back to the career of truck-driving.

Roseanne: (recording a message to her unborn child via a camcorder) Okay, I'm going to give your dad a turn to talk to you, now, but, before I go, I want to tell you one thing: you know that we had you late in our lives, but we really wanted you, and, uh, that's basically because you're our last hope for a good retirement, which is totally going to happen because, after all these years, I finally figured out how to raise a kid that will grow up to be incredibly successful, and, that is: every time you turn around, you tell them how wonderful they are, and... how beautiful they are, and... how priceless they are, and, how much they are loved– and, you are.

Becky: Why can't any of you believe that Mark would be a good cook? I mean, what's wrong with Mark? Darlene: Ok. Not all at once. Lets do this in an orderly fashion.

DJ: Mark's cooking? I mean, I may be just a kid, but, isn't he an idiot?

Becky: Mark, go to the store and buy what you need. Tonight, the whole family's having rigatoni! Jackie: And later, rigor mortis. Mark: Hey! I'm not making dessert.

DJ: (inspecting his first baby tooth, saved in his baby book) It's a tic tac!

Becky: Oh, Darlene, you're not going to believe what I just found! Darlene:Your virginity? No, wait, you left that behind a dumpster at K-Mart.