Roseanne Season 2 Episode 21

Mrs. Wellman: You're Roxanne's sister, Janet!
Jackie: It's Jackie.
Mrs. Wellman: (referring to her dog) Oh, no, it's Jacques, but people are always mispronouncing his name.
Jackie: You know what's an easy word to pronounce, Mrs. Wellman? Cop.

Roseanne: You know my husband, Don? (whispers to Dan) Just go with it.
Mrs. Wellman: Of course! It's nice to see you, Dan!

Jackie: Well I hope that we have all learned a very very important lesson here today. That is exactly the reason why we always wear (Jackie, Becky, Darlene, and D.J. in unison) our seat belts.
Ya know, cops got a saying. You never pull a dead man out of a seat belt.
Darlene: What do you just leave him there?
Jackie: Some cops do. I don't.

Jackie: (clad in police uniform at the beauty salon trying to find out information about Roseanne's case) Ya know Crystal, if I wanted to I could give you a summons.
Crystal: Well if I wanted to, I could give you a makeover.
Jackie: Why, do you think I need a makeover?

Roseanne: I finally get some time off and I can't do a damned thing. The kids are in there eating canned spaghetti.
Dan: Hey, they like canned spaghetti.
Roseanne: Well not for breakfast.

{Roseanne's acting goofy after being put on muscle relaxers}
Darlene: Mom, did you fly through the windshield or something?
Roseanne: No but I'd like to try that someday.