Roseanne

Bev: (watching the Superbowl) Jackie, that looks like the Bishop boy who used to live up the street from us, do you think it's him? Jackie: Yes mother, it's him. Bev: I don't remember him being so tall. Jackie: He grew. Bev: Well his hair used to be longer. Jackie: He cut it. Bev: No I don't think that's him. Jackie: You're right, Mother, it's not.

Bev: They told me that my family would want to see me fail, I guess my real family is at AA. Roseanne: KEEP GOING HOME, it works!

Roseanne: Mom, are you okay? Bev: I'm fine, I'm just warning your son about what happens when you drink too much. Roseanne: He is what happens when you drink too much.

(Baking gingerbread men) Bev: I need someone to put raisins in the eyes! Darlene: (To Dan) You hold her down, and I'll get the raisins!

Bev: It is very sweet of you to spend the afternoon with your old alcoholic grandma! Darlene: Yeah, well, Mom mislead me, I thought she meant we would be drinking.

Bev: I am an alcoholic, Roseanne. I am one of THESE People! Roseanne: C'mon Mom, is this gonna be like that time you saw Witness, and thought you were Amish?

(Talking to the AA guests) Guest: Well, One Day at a Time! Roseanne: And a Welcome Back kotter, to you too!

(Entering an AA meeting) Bev: This is SO degrading! I don't know why I'm here! Roseanne: Let me remind you: GLUG, GLUG, GLUG!

(On picking Bev up from jail) Roseanne: We've gotta get mom outta there, before they start passing her around like a pack of smokes!

Roseanne: Dan is NOT an alcoholic, Mom. Considering the life he leads, I don't think he drinks nearly enough!

(Slurring to Roseanne) Dan: How can I make you see the importance of SuperBowl Sunday?
Perhaps the answer will come to me in a dream....(nods off to sleep)

(Cheering on Bev) Dan: Celebrating five days of not drinking! Bev: Your'e all drunk! Jackie: Well, Yeah...It's a Party! (Bev runs out, crying) Fred: Man, she is an UGLY sober.

(Bev sees a pitcher of beer) Bev: Oh, how unusual, someone's left his crutch on the table. Roseanne: Well, mom, let me go order you some of that non alcoholic beer that I used to heat up for DJ's bottles.

Roseanne: I have fifty pigs in a blanket, to feed twenty pigs in the living room!

Bev: (while watching the Superbowl) Is that Jackson Five boy gonna be singing at the intermission this year? He's wonderful with the children!

Darlene: (trying to escape after being forced by Roseanne to bake cookies with Bev.) You told me David and Becky weren't going to be here. You didn't tell me I was going to have to spend the afternoon baking with Drunken' Hines.

Dan: Oh man, I thought I heard your mother. Just like those guys from 'Nam who still heard the copters. Roseanne: More like the guys from 'Nam who were still in 'Nam.

Dan: We can't have your mother here, I got a keg of beer out in the garage! Roseanne: Well you better drink it in a hurry. Dan: A pony keg? Give me a break, Roseanne, we ain't in high school no more.

Jackie: We can't go in there, she's in there!.... Bev!.... Beverage!.... Non-alcoholic Beverage is in there!