Roseanne

Jackie: Oh, come on, Dan you don't know that Roseanne's got PMS.
Roseanne: Dan. Do I look pretty?
Jackie: Oh my god! Run! Run, Dan! (runs away)

(Roseanne kicking out the stripper dressed as a bellhop that Arnie hired as a present to Dan for the surprise party) Roseanne: You're the reason why there'll never be a woman president!

Dan: I think I'll just go back into the bedroom, read the paper, and not talk to a soul. Is that okay with you, Roseanne? Roseanne (thinking): God, he gets so damn moody! Happens every month, too. Men!

Roseanne: (giving a toast) So here's to you, Dan Conner, my husband, my friend, my soulmate, my rock. Dan: (thinking) Dear God, let this end. Roseanne: A great big rock that does nothing but sit on the couch and watch TV. Dan: (thinking) That's it. God's a woman! Roseanne: Oh, you know, once in awhile it'll ask for a beer, and I'll have to go in the kitchen and get it, because after all, it is just a rock. And a rock can't just tip itself over and roll over to the refrigerator now can it? So I have to get the beer for it. Yeah. A big TV-watching beer-drinking rock.

Crystal: Just before my time of the month, when my hormones start acting up, I'm good for one solid day of pure mean. Jackie: You? Crystal: Oh, yeah. One time I went around and busted a streetlight for every man who ever broke my heart. Dan: I remember, the great blackout of '84.

Roseanne: (on the phone) This whole party thing seemed a lot better last week. Whose stupid idea was this anyway? Well, I know it was, Crystal, but you don't have to throw it back in my face!

Dan: Do I have to spell it our for you people? P-M-S! DJ: Oh my God! (makes to move out of chair, but instead falls over)