Darlene: It's so phony here, all the kids from my junior high school have totally changed. They think I'm some kind of freak just because I don't kiss up to the juniors and seniors.
Nana Mary: I know exactly how you feel. Where I come from if you don't play bridge 12 hours a day, they think you're a Communist.
Darlene: Why can't people just let you be yourself? Have you ever felt like you don't want to talk to anybody? Like you just need to figure things out? It's like I get a perfect image in my head about what I want to be, but then I go to school and all of a sudden I'm just a total geek again.
Nana Mary: You're young, you've got to give it time.
Darlene: Yeah well tell that to my parents. They always want to know what the problem is but how am I supposed to tell them if I don't even know?
Nana Mary: Darlene, you've got to be patient with them.
Darlene: I can't wait to get a place of my own.
Nana Mary: Why don't you try New York? They've got great Chinese food.
Dan: (about Darlene) She just wants to be left alone.
Nana Mary: Who doesn't?
Roseanne: You're her mother, do something!
Nana Mary: When she asks me for my help, I'll arrange to have your father killed. Until then, you have to understand, she's scared, she doesn't know how to live alone. I don't know, maybe it's my fault, maybe it's the way I raised her, maybe I should blame myself, who the hell needs that?
Nana Mary: How long has the affair been going on?
Bev: Well I've known about it for a couple of years. And this morning he finally decided to tell me.
Roseanne: So he's been seeing some office tramp for a couple of years and you never said anything?
Nana Mary: Come on, Beverly grow up! I mean you can't let a man walk all over you like that.
Bev: I didn't want to rock the boat.
Roseanne: What boat? You don't have a boat, you have a lousy marriage.
Bev: Watch your mouth, young lady.
Roseanne: No I'm serious, this is serious stuff, people get divorced over stuff like this!
Nana Mary: What's going on?
Bev: It's very simple. (to Roseanne and Jackie) Your father has met a younger woman, she's 57 and works in his office.
Roseanne: Well then you're just going to have to throw his sorry butt out.
Bev: No I will not.
Roseanne: Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa you mean you're just going to stay with the jerk?
Jackie: Well whoa, we've only heard one side of this story.
Roseanne: Well okay, he's 60 years old and he's screwing around, that's disgusting! That's his side!
Jackie: Hey Becky, I thought Mark was coming over.
Becky: He was supposed to but at the last minute he decided to stay home and have TV dinners with his buddies.
Bev: That reminds me of the cutest TV show...
Nana Mary: (cutting her off) No it doesn't!
Crystal: (on the phone with Ed) Oh Ed, you're terrible.
Dan: (steals the phone and listens to Ed) Whoa! Me wear something strapless? Okay Dad but first I'm gonna have to shave my back. (hears Ed's response) Yeah and you're an old pervert. (laughs)
Jackie: Catcher in the Rye, God, that's a good one.
Darlene: Yeah, you read it?
Jackie: No but we were assigned to read it in high school. That must've been about my sophomore year. Yeah, I remember because I had a huge crush on Terry Halligan. He's this really great-looking college guy. So I shortened all my skirts and didn't crack open a book for a month. Then report cards came out and that was the end of Terry Halligan. God, she was always doing stuff like that, I remember this other time.
Darlene: Jackie, would you like to read a book?
Jackie: Yeah, sure, why not?
Darlene: There's some Kurt Vonnegurt over there on the top shelf.
Jackie: Okay, oh, Cat in the Hat, perfect.
Darlene: (Jackie knocks on her door) Enter and die.
Nana Mary: Oh my aching butt!
Dan: You're not having dinner with us?
Darlene: No, I opt not to celebrate the exploitation of Indians by a group of religious fanatics.
Dan: Good point, no sale.
Roseanne: (to DJ) You still mashing those yams?
DJ: I'm trying to get the fly.
Roseanne: (looks in the bowl) Oh man it's a big one too, isn't it?
Roseanne: Well maybe we'll just add some raisins.
Roseanne: Alright, just throw it out and start again.
(Beverly offers to set the table.)
Beverly: Where's the good china?
Roseanne: Over at your house until the reading of the will.
Crystal: So uh, where's Darlene?
Dan: Oh, daughter of doom? She's up in her room hiding from sunlight.
Darlene: I just wanna hang out in my room alone. Why can't you people understand that?
Roseanne: (to Dan) Your daughter is really starting to get on my nerves.