Roseanne Season 6 Episode 11

(After all the voting, Nancy's the only one clad in the new uniform voted for)
Nancy: Well if I'm the only one wearing it, then it isn't a uniform. People are gonna just think I have really bad taste in clothes or something.

Nancy: We also voted that the restaurant's official bird should be the toucan.
Roseanne: Would you like to see the bird I voted for? (makes a hand gesture implying the middle finger)

Roseanne: Basketball's on Tuesday.
Dan: I thought it was on Thursday.
Roseanne: D.J., what day is basketball?
D.J.: Tuesday.
Roseanne: Duuh.
D.J.: But I don't play basketball, I quit last season.
Dan: Duuh! Duur!

Roseanne: (about stealing the car) I think you're trying to tell me something with all of this, like maybe I'm not spending enough time with you.
D.J.: That's not what I was thinking.
Roseanne: Well I think it was, and I promise you D.J., I'm going to spend more time with you, I'm going to rearrange my whole schedule so I'm home more.
D.J.: But you have to work.
Roseanne: Well that's tough, because sometimes you have to trade what's important for what's even more important.

Roseanne: Oh slave boy!
(D.J. enters the room)
Leon: What's he doing here?
Roseanne: 5 to 10, grand theft auto.
Leon: He's a kid.
Roseanne: I know, but he was tried as an adult. As his punishment, he's going to be helping out around the diner so's that I have more time to bug you.
Leon: I thought you were going to see about spending more time at home.
Roseanne: Yeah I was, but me and Dan talked about it and we thought you might like that.
Leon: Roseanne, a child cannot work here!
Roseanne: Too late, we took a vote while you were out.

Dan: Where's the car?
Roseanne: Well let's see, I checked it with the valet.
Dan: I'm serious, the car's not out there.
Roseanne: That's impossible!
Dan: Did you leave your keys in the car?
Roseanne: Why would I do something stupid like that?
Dan Your keys are not on the hook.
Roseanne: Well it doesn't matter where my car keys are, because I left the Club in the car.
Dan: Where'd you leave the keys to the Club?
Roseanne: ......You didn't do the dishes!

Nancy: Well when I was talking to Leon the other day I came up with a great idea that the uniforms would make us stand out for the customers more.
Roseanne: So why would we want to do that? Then they'd know who to go to to bring them more stuff!

Nancy: Hey, my breakfast idea brought in a whole new customer base.
Roseanne: Yeah...they're all over 35 and they all want a 'sammich'!

DJ: I'm sorry that you got hit.
Roseanne: I'm sorry that you got hit, too. Big Sorry, like now would be a great time to ask me for a new puppy kind of sorry.

Roseanne: I thought you might wanna spoil your dinner.
DJ: No.
Roseanne: Well, wouldya mind watchin' while I spoil mine?

(To Leon)
Dan: Roseanne can be a little difficult. Oh hell, she idles at difficult.

Dan: Doin' the books?
Leon: Yes, Dan, trying to make conversation?

Roseanne: I'm going to make sure that I have a lot of time to spend with you, DJ. I'm going to be here all the time.
DJ: Is that my punishment?
Roseanne: You are a funny, funny little man, DJ. Funny little man.

Jackie: Telling her she did nothing wrong isn't going to help her.
Dan: Oh but calling her a child beater will?

Jackie: She was out of control, just like Dad.
Dan: This has nothing to do with your dad.
Jackie: This has everything to do with him. These patterns repeat themselves!
Dan: Then you better look out, cuz my dad loved to hit his sister-in-law.