Roseanne Season 3 Episode 1

Roseanne: You just got to sit him down and tell it to him like this: "I'm pregnant, Dan."
Dan: (amused) Gary.
Roseanne: Dan.
Dan: Gary.
Roseanne: Dan.
Dan: (shouting) GARY!

Dan: Ah, I remember my days as a scout. 'Specially the wilderness training. We couldn't find any wilderness so the scout master dropped us off in downtown Chicago, and we had to try and make it back here on our own.

(alluding to herself singing The National Anthem)
Roseanne: Boy it's a beautiful morning today. It just makes me want to sing! (the stage audience claps)

Crystal: I guess I kinda regret not having that little girl I always dreamed about.
Roseanne: Yeah, me too.

Roseanne: (Crystal enters the bathroom joining Roseanne and Jackie) Are they all still out there?
Crystal: Well, yeah, but I didn't tell them anything. I just said hi and headed straight in here.
Roseanne: I bet they think we're in here doing some weird shaving ritual.

(Dan and Roseanne are looking at D.J.)
Dan: The kid's got your face, Roseanne. I'm amazed every time I look at him.
Roseanne: Yeah.
Dan: None of 'em look like me.
Roseanne: That won't hold up in court, Dan.
Dan: Damn.

(Roseanne and the family are about to find out the results of Roseanne's pregnancy test.)
D.J.: I wanna read the stick! I wanna read the stick!
Darlene: Geez, D.J., it's not like licking the spoon.

Dan: This shouldn't have happened, Roseanne. We took precautions.
Roseanne: Yeah, well they didn't work.
Dan: Well, you should have known it was your fertile time.
Roseanne: Well, excuse me for ovulating.

Becky: Don't you want me to go to college?
Roseanne: (sarcastically) No, Becky, your father and I want you to work in a bowling alley.

Jackie: What's the rush?
Roseanne: You told me to hold my first morning's urine, I've been holding it for seven hours.

Roseanne: I'm gonna get fixed.
Dan: You mean you're going to get your tubes tied?
Roseanne: No, Dan. I'm gonna have my knees sewn together.

D.J.: Darlene says I was an accident.
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well...an accident is something that if you had to do it over again you wouldn't. But a surprise is something that you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.
D.J.: Darlene says no one will pay any attention to me know because of the baby.
Roseanne: Well how about if we pay lots of extra special attention to you?
D.J.: I'd like that. I'll like it if you have this baby.
Roseanne: That's so sweet.
D.J.: Finally a chance to kick some butt!
Roseanne: A family tradition being passed down.