Roseanne Season 8 Episode 23

Jackie: You tell everybody how you feel about being the ring boy. Okay? You tell everybody what Mommy taught you to say.
Andy: Grandma's crazy

David: I, David, promise to always love and respect you, Darlene, my fellow traveler on this planet, as we tread lightly and replenish what we have taken from this earth.
Roseanne: (to Dan) I guess we'll have to return the deer rifle we got him. Did you hear that, did you hear what I just said?
Dan: Deer rifle.
Darlene: And I, Darlene, promise to love and respect you, David, as we strive not for material possessions, but for contentment and peace of mind.
Roseanne: I think she's got marriage mixed up with a nap on the porch. How come you're not laughing? Did you hear that?
Dan: Deer rifle.
Darlene: And we know the best way that we can make it is to rely on each other, the way our parents, Dan and Roseanne Conner, have.
David: No matter how good or bad life has been to them, they always found the humor in it. We hope we can do the same.
Roseanne: I didn't even see that coming. Did you hear that?
Dan: Yeah, I heard that.

David: Listen, Mark, I know you're probably sick of hearing about this, but it just feels weird that Mom and Dad aren't here.
Mark: You still on that?
David: Well, they're our parents. I thought maybe for my wedding day...
Mark: Would you shut up about them already? They never did anything for us. They kicked me out of the house when I was 16, and they treated you like a dog. The Conners are your parents now, okay? You and me both. They saved our asses.
David: Well, Mom and Dad gave us life, okay? One of us maybe a little more than the other, but still...
Mark: Hey, hey, it's a slap in the face to the Conners for you to be all hung up on a couple of jerks who haven't even bothered to call in the last four years.
David: Mark...
Mark: I don't wanna hear it!
David: Choking! Where did you learn to tie a tie like that?
Mark: Dad. It was the only thing he ever taught me. Now I've taught you. And since it's the only thing he could have done for you today, you don't need him anymore.
David: Okay. Thanks, Mark.

Bev: Why did it have to be an outdoor hippie wedding?
Dan: Because the moon's in the seventh house?

Roseanne: (waking everybody up) Oh look! It's Nana Mary!
Nana Mary: Hi, Rosie! (looks under her blanket) Who's wearing my pants?

Darlene: Do you think Dad's going to walk me down the aisle or you think he's just going to give me a big push?
Roseanne: Oh, you know he loves you.
Darlene: Yeah...
Roseanne: Okay, just try to remember that when he gives you the big push.

Roseanne: (putting flowers in Darlene's hair) Just enough to make you beautiful but not enough to attract the bees.

DJ: Hey dad I think I just saw a skunk!
(DJ runs off and Mark looks at Dan for approval)
Dan: Go.
Mark: Hey DJ wait up!
(Mark runs after DJ)

Roseanne: Why are they not standing up?
D.J.: Oh, the guy at the rehearsal said they only stand up for the bride.
Roseanne: Well, I really don't care what the guy at rehearsal said. The hell with tradition. (to the other people) EVERYBODY UP! I WANT YOU STANDING UP!!
(everyone stands up)

Roseanne: What's wrong, You got butterflies?
Darlene: No...a child.

(after they are pronounced Husband and Wife)
Darlene (kidding to David): Wow, I can't believe you fell for that whole pregnancy thing.