Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In Season 5 Episode 9

Dan: Jill, how can you tell a good diamond from a bad diamond?
Jill: Oh, it's easy. If a very rich man gives me a diamond, it's a good diamond. If he gives it to someone else...

Edward: When two guys used to co-star in a movie, they used to be friendly. Now they get married. Missed a lot, didn't I?

(observations on the family in Mod Mod World)
Johnny: I know an usher who looked up his family tree and discovered he came from a long line in front of the theater.
Dennis: I knew a kid who was twelve and had to go out and get a job to support his family. Of course, it was his own fault. I mean, he never should have gotten married.
Larry: My wife sits paitently and listens to all my troubles. She just loves being the topic of conversation.
Richard: My marriage counselor solved all my family problems--he ran away with my wife.
Lily: I know one family that practices population control--the Mafia.

Lily: Ralph, what is the worst consequence that, uh, anyone has ever had to pay on Truth or Consequences?
Ralph: I'm doing it now.

Lily: Liza, why don't you come on Laugh-In and be a regular?
Liza: And give up show business?

Gary: And remember this: C-H-A-I-N are chain letters.

Richard: I recently drove from New York to Los Angeles. That's about 3000 miles, and I only had four accidents. Which isn't bad, considering I drive on the left.