Royal Pains Season 1 Episode 1

Boris: Where do you practice, Doctor?
Hank: Nowhere. My last hospital fired me for letting a rich patient die.
Boris: Bureaucracies. (scoffs) I find the skilled amongst us are better off left to their own devices. Yes?

Nikki: This is not what I signed on for. I wanted to spend on florists and caterers and photographers, not attorneys. I think we need to postpone.
Hank: I'll see your postponement and raise you.
(Nikki sighs, removes her engagement ring, and leaves it on Hank's table.)

Evan: You really need to get out of this apartment and get some fresh air, Bro.
Hank: In Brooklyn?
Evan: Honestly, it smells so bad. It smells like a moose had sex with a bucket of Chinese food in here. Like musty. And you kind of look like Jesus and Patrick Dempsey had a child, and that child grew older and then got really sick.

Evan: What's my favorite sport, Hank?
Hank: Extreme social climbing?

(Evan opens the door and finds a beautiful woman waiting outside.)
Evan: I'm still asleep, right?
April: Um, I'm looking for Hank.
Evan: Not if it's my dream, you're not.

Evan: (wearing nothing but a suit coat and a speedo) Okay, how do I look?
Hank: You look like an Olympic swimmer from Queeristan.

(Entering the party in the Hamptons)
Evan: Bro, this is where God would party.
Hank: If he could get in.

Tucker: Are you gonna snitch on me?
Hank: Not if no one asks, but I'm not gonna lie for a kid who risks lives all in search of a few ounces of frozen yogurt. Overhyped frozen yogurt, I might add.
Libby: It's not overhyped, dude. It's a tart, refreshing, fat-free snack that offers ten percent RDA of calcium per serving.
Tucker: Yeah, dude. Don't punk the crackberry. She'll light your ass up like a Christmas tree.

April: For the first time in my life, I may actually be in love with a guy and you want me to just relay that info to him through his half-nude, number-crunching, little brother? It's just a bit awkward, don't you think?
Evan: I think... Yeah, that would be a hundred percent socially unacceptable.

Hank: I need a bottle of vodka, a very sharp, pointed knife, uh, a Bic pen, a sandwich baggie and some duct tape.
Libby: Sandwich baggie, duct tape. Who are you? MacGyver?

Evan: Where you going there, bro?
Hank: Back to the city for some R and R.
Evan: What if I told you I had two beautiful women in the bathroom right now and they came here just to see you?
Hank: Yeah, Ev, sure. If that's true, I will stay the rest of the weekend.
Evan: (clears throat) Ladies, Hank's home. (April and Divya enter) So, you remember April. She's here to thank you for saving her life. And this is Divya. She's here to apply for a job.
Hank: Uh... (chuckles) Okay, let's go one at a time.

Boris: Life isn't always simple.
Hank: But death is.

Hank: You really came prepared.
Divya: Core wound care, home diagnostics, infusion I.V.
Hank: Why does a P.A. drive around with them in her trunk?
Divya: Well, they were on sale.
Hank: Divya.
Divya: Look, I want to show you all I can bring to the table. I mean, besides my work ethic, my knowledge of the Hamptons, my relationships with the locals...
Evan: Your superbly well-toned figure.
Divya: Don't objectify me, sidekick.

Evan: I love ya.
Hank: Like you.