Sabrina: So, how did your date go with Kirk? Do I get to be maid of honor?
Valerie: Not yet. I mean, Kirk's really cute and he's totally popular, which by association would make me slightly more popular, but he only talked about engines. Could it be I'm not so shallow after all?
Sabrina: Let's hope it's just a phase...
Sabrina: Why can't my conscience speak English?
Hilda: Come on, young lady.
Sabrina: Are you taking me to the Witches' Council?
Hilda: No. I'm taking you to your Aunt Zelda. She's much better at punishing than me.
Mr. Kraft: I've never seen anything like this before.
Hilda: It's called a tree. I'm glad our niece is being taught by someone so worldly...
Hilda: Who are you?
Mr. Kraft: Willard Kraft, Vice Principal.
Hilda: Hilda Spellman, not interested.
Salem: What you writing?
Sabrina: It's an editorial for our school paper about how too much emphasis is placed on school sports and not enough on our school's intellectual achievements.
Salem: Seriously, what are you writing?
Valerie: You'll never guess who just asked me out! Kirk!
Sabrina: Should I still guess?
Hilda (to Zelda): What do we look like to you? Morons?
Salem (balancing a stack of waffles on his head): Get the camera.
Cupid: Look, I have to be honest with you. It's more than that, it's against my principles.
Salem: Is it because I'm a cat and she's a woman?
Cupid: No it's because you're a cat and she's Sherry Lewis.
Salem: But I could make her so happy. Besides she's gotta be tired of that whiny lamb. Not even a lamb, it's a sock!
Cupid: You sicken me.
Salem: Get a real job... and some pants.
Cupid: Miss, I'm sorry but people never used to sue. Now the slightest little thing and boom, I got the nice diaper on and I'm standing in front of a judge.
Zelda: But it's an opinion. You can't retract an opinion.
Mr. Kraft: That's what she said. I mean what is this place? Some kind of cult?
Mr. Kraft: Look, I am in charge here, and in order to maintain a free press, you will write whatever I tell you to.
Zelda: I was this close to finding a cure for acne, and now there's no hope for the oily.
Salem: Sorry, thirty waffles is my limit, and that's something that I really didn't want to know about myself.
This is Patrick Thomas O'Brien's first appearance as Cupid. He will reprise his role in season two. Previously, he was credited as "Index Man" in season 1's "Meeting Dad's Girlfriend".
The Quizmaster does not appear in this episode.
Zelda: Salem, how do you know Madre Teresa?
Mother Teresa was an Albanian Roman Catholic nun who founded the Missionaries of Charity in Kolkata (Calcutta), India in 1950. She won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 for her humanitarian work. Following her death she was beatified by Pope John Paul II and given the title Blessed Teresa of Calcutta.