Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Zelda: I know I've said it before, but the pirates being here is all your fault! Hilda: Oh pipe down and help me find the cattle prod.

ID Card: Sorry sweetie, but now that you an Other Realm fake ID, your magic is also fake. Sabrina: My magic is fake? Why can't they just outlaw all the illegal stuff?

Zelda: So our magic is being delivered to our house. Hilda: And, as usual, Salem got it wrong, and, as usual, the Magic Management department was rude about it!

Salem: Maybe your aunts can help. Sabrina: A good idea, they always get a kick out of Sabrina-defying-authority stories. Salem: If told with puppets.

Valerie: Sabrina, my parents are freaking out. The ID is talking! Sabrina: What?! Oh that's just a security device. Oh, I'm the only one who knows how to turn it off. Valerie: I'll bring it right over. Sabrina: Good... No! Pirates! Valerie: Pirates? Sabrina: I didn't say pirates, I said... by gum! By gum don't come here!

Sabrina: Valerie! I need to get that ID back from you. Valerie: My mom has it. Sabrina: Why'd you give it to her? Valerie: She found it, but luckily she was lenient. I'm just not allowed to have any fun ever again.

Salem: 'Heirloom: A family item passed from one generation to the next. Usually irreplaceable' Shoot! I guess I've got to fix that board... or find a more forgiving dictionary.

Valerie: I just heard that the new club has a great band playing tonight. Sabrina: Listen Valerie, I'm not in the mood, Harvey's busy, we're not eighteen... Valerie: It's N'Sync. Sabrina: And that changes everything!

Bouncer: IDs? Sabrina: We don't have any. Valerie: We're only seventeen. Sabrina: Maybe we should have rehearsed a little bit more.

(Trying to carry the shattered family secret board upstairs one piece at a time.) Salem: You know what'd make this go faster? Hands... and a work ethic.

Sabrina: I think I see the problem. I'm not a cross-eyed red-head and you're not a middle-aged black man.

Harvey: I can't pick a diaper service, it's too hard. Sabrina: You said the same thing when your parents asked you to do their taxes.

Zelda: You know, I've said this a lot over the last few hundred years but I'm going to say it again: This is all your fault!

Valerie: We have to go to this club! It's an over 18 club. That means people there are driving, getting ready to go to college and maybe even have part-time jobs! Sabrina: Valerie, you just described us. Valerie: Yeah, but they're all over 18!

Harvey: I promised my mom I'd research car seats to find the safest kind. Apparently the ones they used for us were death traps.

Zelda: The Witches Council isn't going to be happy about this. Housing prisoners is a sacred duty. Almost as sacred as letting them go! Blackbeard: Excuse me, may we have some water? Hook: And maybe some oxygen?

Hilda: Why do I have to look for the family secret board now? Zelda: Because Sabrina's at school and I wanna surprise her with it. Hilda: Oh yeah, I can't wait to see the look of indifference on her face.

Hilda (After being stabbed by the pirates): If I start leaking bile, mister, somebody's getting a time out!