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Hilda Antoinette Spellman
Harvey Dwight Kinkle (recurring in season 5-7)
Libby: What is going on at this school today?
Mrs. Quick: Oh it's a pretty normal day, Libby. Although I did learn I have an exact duplicate, she just ran down the hall with Sabrina!
Mr. Kraft: You know, anytime something strange happens at this school, the trail always leads to Sabrina... or Janitor Bob, but we know Sabrina is still in the country.
Mrs. Quick: (Seeing Mrs. Doohicky) Oh dear!
Sabrina: Substitute teacher. I don't think she looks like you at all! (Hurries away)
Mrs. Quick: So the psychic was right! I WAS separated at birth!
Mrs. Quick: Oh look! There's Sabrina!
Mr. Kraft: Who's that with her?
Valerie: Someone who looks like Harvey...
Libby: And you...
Mrs. Quick: And me! HI!!!!
Zelda: Maybe you'd be more inspired if you had the classic accoutrements of a writer.
Salem: Gin, night-sweats and a bad marriage?
Hilda: You get your big fat hand out of my way.
Zelda: You get your big fat hand out of my way!
(The sisters start slapping each other)
Hilda: Aw! You broke my big fat nail...
Valerie (looking at her test): A 'B'? What did you get?
Sabrina: A 'C-'?
Valerie: Wow, this is the first time I ever got a better grade than you. Yep, it's my paper...
Salem: Toast is up!
Zelda: That's odd, we weren't making toast.
Hilda (getting the mail out of the toaster): Oh no! It's a chain-letter.
Sabrina: They are no metaphors in the Other Realm, are there?
Hilda: Other Realm chain-letters are the worst. If we don't immediately send strong iron chains to twenty other people, horrible things will befall us. Okay, so which of my dearest friends do I hate the most?
Zelda: Hold it right there. Bad luck is not brought on by silly superstitions like chain-letters.
Sabrina: You're right, they're brought on by black cats.
Salem: That is a hateful stereotype. It's brought on by midgets in dresses.
Zelda: It's from the Other Realm Postmaster. He says they've caught the person who started that chain letter and he's been dealt with accordingly.
Hilda: Good, what kind of foul fiend would abuse the mail?
Salem: I was just reaching out to people.
Zelda: I'm just glad you've realised that because you're not great at something it doesn't mean you can't learn from it and have fun with it.
Hilda: That's what I always say about dating... but I never learn anything... and I don't have fun.
Sabrina: Derek! Dr. Bad has planted a bomb.
Derek: An explosive situation.
Sabrina: I know where it is, come with me.
Derek: Dynamite idea.
Sabrina: And you can cool it with the puns.
Mr. Kraft: Keep her away from me, she has poison chalk dust!
Mrs. Quick: I don't even have gum.
Mr. Kraft: Don't hurt me!
Libby: Mr. Kraft! Why are you acting like a freshman?
Zelda: No spots! No wings! No webbed feet! Hilda, we've beaten the chain letter! I knew I was right to hold out against that silly superstition.
Hilda: Actually, I sent out twenty letters this morning. I was not going to apply mascara to my six new eyes!
Dr. Bad: I have found a worthy opponent in you, Kink. Much too worthy to kill. How about a square dance instead?
Derek (as the edge of the buzz saw gets closer to him): There's always been an unpleasant edge to you Dr. Bad.
Dr. Bad: I am killing you just to stop the puns.
Sabrina: I've got the ending. Doctor Bad is about to blow up the school but then... decides not to!
Zelda: Honey, you can't just force the ending, it has to come from the characters history, motivated by their strengths and weaknesses.
Sabrina: That's the same thing Mr. Franco said and I still find it annoying.
Zelda: I don't like this show. Do you have the remote?
Hilda: No, I foolishly forgot to pick it up before I unexpectedly grew eight feet.
Mrs. Doohicky: These seemingly innocent looking erasers when clapped together emit a poisonous gas.
Derek: Chalk up another success.
Vivian: We have to meet Derek.
Sabrina: I'd love to, but I really have to get home.
Vivian: I have a black belt in twenty four disciplines of oriental martial arts.
Sabrina: Then clearly I'm coming with you.
Dr. Bad: Ah Lydia. Lydia Kissandkill, my favourite double agent.
Lydia: And this is my newest weapon, the Pom-bomb. A cheerleader tosses it at someone, say a spy, and then ra-ra-boom! Oh dear, his head came off.
Dr. Bad: It's marvellous what they can do with a little crepe paper and plastic explosives.
Mr. Franco: Even though the spy genre was a good choice, the characters didn't seem real.
Sabrina: Didn't seem real? But I based them all on real people. I mean come on. Dr. Bad, an evil scientist who kills teenagers with detention slips of death? Sound like a certain crafty vice principal?
Mr. Franco: Did you give much thought to that name, Dr. Bad?
Sabrina: And Derek Kink! Harvey Kinkle? I mean it was practically non-fiction!
Sabrina (reading her story): Claire looked at Robert and Robert looked at Claire. Claire and Robert were looking at each other. Claire didn't wanna fall in love but nothing in her crazy life made sense and she lost all feeling in her thumbs.
Mrs. Quick: Sabrina, is something bothering you? You look like I do when I've accidentally eaten apricots. Your larynx hasn't collapsed, has it?
Sabrina: Mr. Franco, I wanted to talk to you about this 'C-' I got on my paper.
Mr. Franco: I'm sure you'll do better next time.
Sabrina: Well, I'm horribly upset about it this time. I've kind of grown accustomed to getting 'A's. They really cushion the blow when I get a pimple or have to climb the rope during gym class.
Mr. Franco: Sabrina, everyone gets a 'C' once in a while... And no one can climb the rope in gym class. It's there to humiliate people.
Hilda: Wanna know what the good news is? If you find the right ending, it practically writes itself. What is my bra doing on the roof?
Salem: The squirrels need a nut-feeder...
Sabrina: The people in my spy story, they came to life and are running around my school!
Zelda: The only way that could possibly happen is if you accidentally used Hilda's magic typewriter, but she got rid of that years ago, didn't you, Hilda?
Hilda: By "get rid of" you don't mean "kept", do you?
Hilda: I'm sorry. I know I was supposed to give it away, but I just... I like writing romance stories with myself as the heroine and watching them come to life... that's not pathetic, is it?
Sabrina (typing): International spy, Derek Kink, has been given the assignment of stopping... I need a villain... Doctor... Bad, I'll fix that later. Er... An evil scientist bent on taking over the world. Huh, I'm good. Wow, soon my face will be on the side of Barnes & Noble bags!
Sabrina (typing): Dr. Bad's wheelchair started spinning out of control, like a wheelchair... spinning out of control!
Real Characters to Typewriter Characters:
Mr Kraft - "Dr Bad"
Harvey Kinkle - "Derik Kink"
Valerie Birkhead - "Vivien Soontodie"
Libby Chessler - "Lidia Kissandkill"
Mrs Quick - "Mrs Doohickie"
The episode name is a play on the words of the show's own title "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch".
Sabrina: I loved you in The Wizard Of Oz.
Hilda and Zelda are punished for forwarding the chain letter by having giant wings appear on their backs. In the 1939 movie The Wizard Of Oz, the Wicked Witch of the West has an army of evil flying monkeys.
(Sabrina throws a draft of her spy story on the floor)
Mr. Kraft: Even John Grisham has to pick up his trash.
John Grisham is a best-selling American writer who specializes in legal and political thrillers such as The Client, The Firm and The Pelican Brief. Several of his books have also been made into hit movies.
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