Samantha Who? Season 1 Episode 9

Frank: (to Samantha) It might interest you to know, this isn't even close to the most embarrassing thing I've seen you do on this sidewalk.

Dena: (talking about Kevin) He was a son of a bitch.
Samantha: Don't say that about him. Why would you say that about him?
Dena: I think I heard it somewhere.
Samantha: Kevin was a kind and thoughtful man.
Dena: He was so sweet.
Samantha: He was an ass.
Dena: I'm confused about my role here.

Regina: Oh Andrea. You know you don't have to finish every bottle. It's not Crackerjacks. There's no prize in the bottle.

Andrea: Oh my god, what is this?
Samantha: I'm making a card for Kevin with pictures of us together. I didn't actually have any pictures of us actually together. I had some pictures of me and then I cut his head out of some business cards. That's why his expression's always the same.
Andrea: No. Stop. Just let him go. Do not try and get him back.
Samantha: I'm not trying to get him back. I just thought that maybe he might want to see what we would look like together on vacation in Paris.

Samantha: Mom, did you happen to put any of my nice lingerie in my room today?
Regina: No, but you could borrow some of mine. I have a leopard print set that makes your father roar.

Dena: Sam, if tonight is your first night with Kevin, don't you think your carpet should match your drapes?
Samantha: What? What does that mean?
Dena: It means your bra should match your panties. But I could be wrong.

Regina: Oh, look at your beautiful flowers. Let's put them over here so we can all enjoy them and they can make your father feel feel bad.

Samantha: Flowers give every woman a taste of amnesia. Why are these here? Who are they for? What do they mean? What does he want? What did I do? All good questions. But if you don't know life's little codes, well, you tend to panic easily.

Samantha: (closing voice over) So love really is a battlefield. I learn that from another prophet on that CD at Andrea's. The difference is, in battle you're supposed to shoot all your ammo at once and alienate the other side; in love sometimes you just got to hold your fire a little and see what happens. Maybe the key to survival in love and war is balance.

Samantha: Kevin gave me a drawer.
Todd: Of what?
Samantha: A drawer for me.
Todd: Does he know that?

Kevin: Maybe we should, you know, slow things down.
Samantha: Slow. How slow?
Kevin: I think we should... Stop, seeing each other.
Samantha: Wow... That's very slow.

Regina: Where have you been young lady? I have been worried sick. You've been to one of those raves, haven't you? You're eight miles high.
Samantha: It's called a smile, mom. I was with Kevin, and you were so right about him. Argh. Thank you.

Sam: (About Kevin) He is not gay! He is respectful.
Andrea: Sweetie, my brother is respectful and he moved to Amsterdam to marry his respectful friend Jay.

Andrea: (To a devastated Sam) Oh. Sweetie. Oh. Crying makes me feel like I should be comforting, and I don't do comforting.

Andrea: (To Sam) Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but part of this new Sam makes me really hate you.