Samantha Who?

(Dena was rambling about her dogs when Andrea's phone rang.) Andrea: Oh that's so weird, I was just about to fake a phone call. Seth: Hello, Andrea. It's Seth. Don't hang up. Please. Andrea: Seth, I told you to stop calling me. No, you already gave me Tony Dane's phone number. So unless you turn into an even more famous basketball player and I go blind, I don't need you anymore.

Samantha: (telling Todd about Owen) I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, you know. But then it started to get really uncomfortable because Owen wanted to come up here and have sex. I mean, not by himself. I mean, with me. (lets out a big sigh) I might be doing this poorly.

Samantha: You guys know each other? Todd: Willow was our life studies model. Willow: Didn't you wear that same grungy Soundgarden t-shirt like everyday? Todd: Yeah, more than what you were wearing. (laughs) Willow: (giggling) Oh, stop it. Samantha: I know, quit it. Willow: At least he was polite enough to hit on me after cla$s. Todd: But you always had some boyfriend. Willow: (points to Owen) Yeah, this guy. Todd: You're kidding? (everyone laughing) Samantha: Oh my God. (to Willow) You were naked. And Todd asked you out. That's extremely hilarious.

Samantha: I'm so mad at Owen. Making me choose between him and Todd. I should have choose between me and Todd. See how he likes it. Regina: Yeah, hmm. Handsome millionaire environmentalist or the hobo who's living on my couch. I can see why you'd be stumped.

Samantha: (ending monologue) So get this. The word decision comes from the same root as the word scissors. I know that because I spelled schism wrong one day and spellcheck led me to learn something. Decisions and scissors can both be scary. I mean you can't gouge your eye out with just a decision, but sometimes it feels that way. With every decision, you're snipping away at choices you don't want. Sometimes you make a decision and it feels you did the right thing. But sometimes, you can't help and think a little bit about the choices you cut loose.

(Todd and Willow return from looking at Todd's art photos of Willow) Todd: You know since this is ah, Owen's first time at the apartment, Willow and I were thinking that we could go get dessert and give you guys time to hang out alone. (Owen and Samantha at the same time) Samantha: No that's ridiculous... Owen: That's really cool thanks... (Owen looks at Samantha) Samantha: No, I mean it's, that it's just silly, cause I already went to the store, I went to the Nature Mart and I got us dessert so... who wants Rhubarb Crisp? Owen: Ooh that sounds good. Samantha: Really? Todd: Actually we're just gonna get going. Willow: Yes, Sam thank you so much. (To Owen) She's the best, don't blow it dumb dumb. Owen: Don't you blow it knuckle head. (They all laugh) Samantha: See you later bastards.

Andrea: Ever since I was a little girl, you know I'd look at this famous guys and I wanted to be that girl, you know the one with them walking down the red carpet and the one fighting with them in the airport. That girl, that girl that everyone hates just because she was with him. Dena: But, plenty of people do hate you. Andrea: Just the ones that know me. I want to be hated everywhere by everyone.

(Andrea arrives at the bar) Seth: Wow, you look stunning tonight. Andrea: Ooh. Bartender I did not order this. I told you to stop bothering me now scoot. I'm meeting Tony here for drinks. Seth: No, you're meeting Seth here for drinks. I text you with Tony's phone. Andrea: You little sleaze. Seth: Well you wouldn't return my messages, you kept hanging up on me...how was I supposed to get in touch with you? ...but the good news is, we get to stair into each others eyes all night. Ready and go... Andrea: Uh. I'm going. Seth: Wait..wait..wait..wait.. wait.. let me tell you why I've been trying to reach you. Tony won't call you back until he sees a picture. Andrea: A picture? That is so superficial. Didn't you tell him how incredibly hot I am? Seth: Look! He's used to dating celebrities, models, people that he's seen, people that we've all seen, people that have been in rehab. Andrea: I can do rehab. I've done all the work leading up to it. Seth: Just send him a picture. (Andrea looks at him mockingly) ...don't make that face. Andrea: Don't make that one. Shut up.

(Samantha and Owen at the bar) Owen: ...and then I realized that my wallet was in the composting heater. (they both laugh) Samantha: You're so funny. Which reminds me I have something really terrible to tell you. Look I..I..I feel so bad that its taken me this long, but I was just scared that you were going to be freaked out which, you have absolutely no reason to be. Owen: What is it you have a fur coat ...you own some alligator shoes? Samantha: I have a roommate. Owen: That's it? That's why I couldn't come upstairs? Samantha: The other thing is, he's a guy, who's not gay, and I know that because we've slept together like a million times. Okay look, my roommate is my ex-boyfriend Todd, and.. and.. and.. and.. you don't have to worry about a thing there is absolutely nothing going on between us. I also have alligator shoes, I just want to get that all out. (Owen bows his head) ...and a matching bag. I don't know why I held that back. Are you mad? Owen: I'm relieved. Samantha: Hmm? Owen: I didn't want to tell you either but my best friend is my ex-girlfriend. Samantha: You have a Todd. Owen: Yeah, Willow Yeah... and I didn't know how to tell you either, we went out for a long time and then, when we broke up we realized that we could be like, just friends. Samantha: Just friends. That's cool. Owen: I guess you know for most people, it's strange to be friends with your ex. Look at us sitting here, all evolved and everything. Samantha: Um hm, no evolution is great. Yeah, you don't want to be like monkeys, you know it's like.. get out of that tree monkey. Get out of that Willow tree. Off that Willow...