Saturday Night Live

Chevy Chase: (President) Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit that he had written his own campaign slogan. The slogan: "If He's So Dumb, How Come He's President?"

George Carlin: Thank you! Talk about a live show! It's nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us- live! Um... I'm kinda glad that we're on at night, so that we're not competing with all the football and baseball. So many, man... and this is the time of year when there's both, you know? Football's kinda nice, they changed it a little bit- they moved the hash marks in. Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the number-one sport, the national pastime. And I think it already is, really, because football represents something we are- we are Europe Junior. When you get right down to it, we're Europe Junior. We play a Europe game. What was the Europe game? (high voice) "Let's take their land away from them! You'll be the pink, on up; we'll be blue, the red and the green!" Ground acquisition. And that's what football is, football's a ground acquisition game. You knock the crap out of eleven guys and take their land away from them. Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time. That's the way we did it with the Indians- we won it little by little. First down in Ohio, Midwest to go!

George Carlin: The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it's like Military Intelligence- the words don't go together, man.

George Carlin: I'll take my vitamin. Do you take vitamins? Did you ever travel with vitamins? Oh, well... if you take a lot of vitamins, and they're not the kind that says "Joe's Vitamins" on the side "the plain-looking vitamins" and you have a whole lot, and you don't the whole big jumbo thing on the road, you take as many as you need - and they're not marked. And the jar you put them in isn't marked. If a policeman really wants to give you a hard time, he can hold you overnight while they check the vitamins. That's why I travel with Flintstones vitamins!

George Carlin: Why is there no blue food? I can't find blue food - I can't find the flavor of blue! I mean, green is lime; yellow is lemon; orange is orange; red is cherry; what's blue? There's no blue! Oh, they say, "Blueberries!" Uh-uh; blue on the vine, purple on the plate. There's no blue food! Where is the blue food? We want the blue food! Probably instores immortality! They're keeping it from us!

George Carlin: Did you ever look at yourself in store windows when you're walking past the stores? "Hey, I look cool in the store window, man! (lukewarm audience reaction) Have I done these jokes before tonight? Please tell me.

George Carlin: Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you're calling? Don't you feel dumb? You don't know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron.

George Carlin: What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lie around, that's their job, man!

George Carlin: Oh.. there's a moment... coming. There's a moment coming, it's... it's not here yet. It's on the way... It's still in the future. Here... here it is! (a beat) Oh.. it's gone, man. There's no present, man. Everything is the near future and the recent past. No wonder we can't get anything together, we've got no time, huh?

George Carlin: As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport. There'll be lots of places later they'll be searching us, but the airport is where they're kind of trying it out. And, as you know, they search your bags, too, to make sure there's no weapons. "Don't want any weapons on the plane! you know." They have the little fluoroscope job, and they run you through the model home, and: "No weapons! Let 'em on!" You get on the plane, and you're clean! What do they do, they give you a knife and a fork, and all the wine you can drink, man. I mean, I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right? Just hold it at the stewardess's head and threaten paper cuts! "Do what he says! Do what he says!"

George Carlin: Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket? You can't do it. People keep bringing it back to you, man. "Hey, uh... your wastebasket is in the garbage here!"

George Carlin: Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they're dead yet? I can't help it.

Professor: Next... (The Professor suddenly gasps, clutches his chest, and falls off his chair to the floor, obviously stricken with a heart attack. The Immigrant looks puzzled for a moment, then repeats the Professors gasp, clutches his chest, and throws himself on the floor.) (Stage Manager enters the scene, peers at the two lifeless figures and looks into the camera and smiles.) Stage Manager: Live from New York... it's Saturday Night!

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa will always be a cornerstone in the organization.

George Carlin: How many of you have heard this in your home: "Where's the good scissors? I can't keep anything nice in this house." Here's another thing you don't hear at home, mostly guys say this: "Hey, who stole my underwear! Somebody stole my underwear!" "Which one?" "This week's underwear."

Chevy Chase: (talking into the telephone) What are you wearing right now? (smiles) No bathrobe? (notices the audience, hangs up telephone) Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase!

Announcer: New Dad- tops in pops.