Saturday Night Live Season 31 Episode 9

Dick Cheney: (chuckles) Alright, let's wrap this thing up.
Voice: Excuse me, excuse me - sorry, kid, President coming through!
(President Bush emerges and takes his seat on Cheney's lap)
President George W. Bush: Hey, Dick! What's up?
Dick Cheney: Hello, Mr. President. I thought we agreed to do this in private, like we do every year.
President George W. Bush: Well, I couldn't wait, Dick. You know, I'm just so excited for Christmas.
Dick Cheney: Okay. Well, what would you like for Christmas?
President George W. Bush: I would like X-Box-360.
Dick Cheney: What, uh.. what about extending the Patriot Act, Mr. President?
President George W. Bush: You know, I like the Patriot Act, Dick, I do. But I want that 360.
Dick Cheney: You know, some of those X-Boxes are defective, they may be recalled.
President George W. Bush: Well, our policy in Iraq is defective, and we're not recalling anyone, so -
Dick Cheney: (defeated) Okay, you can have the X-Box.
President George W. Bush: Yay!

Girl #1: I want an American Girl doll, and a Barbie Primp & Polish head with manicured hands. But what I really want for Christmas, is the safety and well-being of my family.
Dick Cheney: Uh, Santa can't guarantee that.
Girl #1: (now obviously reading from offscreen cue cards) Well, I was just thinking that if the Patriot Act were extended, I can sleep easy knowing that the American government has the tools it needs in its global fight against terror.
Dick Cheney: Well, aren't you a sweet young lady. Gosh, isn't it funny how the mind of a child can grasp smething that seems so confusing to Santa's friends across the isle. Your spontaneous opinion is appreciated.

Boy: Hi, Santa!
Dick Cheney: And, uh, what do you want for Christmas?
Boy: I just want to see my Grandma.
Dick Cheney: Well, I don't see why that would be a problem.
Boy: Well - she lies in California, and usually she would drive to see us. But with gas prices being what they are, she can't afford to come. So I was wondering if - nawww, never mind.
Dick Cheney: Oh no, no, no. Come on, just say it. Say it. It's me, Santa.
Boy: Well - (also reading directly off unseen cue cards, and, thus, reads quickly) Do you think you can open drilling in the Alaskan wildlife preserve, in order to lessen our dependence on foreign oil?
Dick Cheney: (smiles sadistically) You know, if you put it like that, it's the least I can do to help a boy see his grandma.
Boy: Wow! Thanks, Santa!

Girl #2: My Daddy is a soldier fighting in Iraq, and I only want one thing for Christmas.
Dick Cheney: What's that?
Girl #2: For you to not let him come home until freedom and democracy has spread all through the Middle East.
Dick Cheney: From the mouthes of babes! It seems to me if an eight-year old girl has the guts to stay the course, maybe everyone else should do a gut check.
Girl #2: Yay! (jumps off Cheney's lap and exits scene)

Moderator: The word is "Business."
Daniel: "Business", b-r-d-t-f-k-l-m-g-h-r-k-w-t-f-n-y-l-k-p-q-w-q-r-t-d-f-p-l-m-k-q-k-w-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-s-t-f-j-r-q-m-t-s-d-t-q-m-p-r-f-t-d-p-d-p-m-h-r-k-t-b-t-f, "business."
Moderator: Wrong.

Glirk: I just had sex with myself. What are you doing?