Watchin' on a Prayer
3.0
A Review by "HelloStuart," Amateur Critic and Tico Torres' Hair Gel Handler
As you've probably guessed from all the bad jokes I've just made, tonight's host is rocker/sometime actor Jon Bon Jovi. On top of the fact that his eponymous band will also be appearing on the program, the official musical guest is Foo Fighters, a newly minted member of the Five-Timers' Club. One might assume that this will be an unusually music-oriented show, but nothing like that has happened in several decades.
Granted, I'll admit that I'm not a Bon Jovi fan in the slightest, but I will try to keep an open mind during tonight's broadcast. Some musician-hosts have worked out (Justin Timberlake, Paul Simon), but it can be a crapshoot (Janet Jackson, Christina Aguilera).
And now, the sketch-by-sketch analysis:
COLD OPENING: In some fruitless attempt to rehash every Afterschool Special cliché they can find, JBJ pops out of a poster to give a teenaged Amy Poehler a pep talk. Some clunky allusions are made towards the present day, and the ending to the sketch was bordering on hokey. I can already sense this will be a long night…
MONOLOGUE: Ah, the ol' "writers disguised as audience members" trick. Steve Higgins and Marika Sawyer (I think) can't figure out why Jon won't sing tonight, but Richie Sambora won't take no for an answer. Without much hesistation, this segues into…
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: …their insipidly countrified hit "Lost Highway."
"Ohhh!": Three Italian-American stereotypes (FA, JBJ, DH) from the Garden State are quizzed on the proper way to use a certain interjection in this one-note game show spoof. If there were any redeeming qualities, it was a toss-up between Darrell's reaction to a question on homosexuals and Kristen's accurate mimicry of an IAP mistress.
"A Visit with Former Vice President Al Gore": I want to assume that this was originally pegged as the cold opening before lukewarm heads prevailed; that doesn't mean the sketch was any funnier, though. The ex-veep (DH) shows off his trophy room just as he's about to mount his Nobel Peace Prize, but it turns out that he's obsessed with anything he can put his name on.
DIGITAL SHORT: "People Getting Punched Before Eating" is just that, at least until the homicide and the zombies. It works as a companion piece to last year's "Andy Everywhere," but it's just as unremarkable.
"Actober.com": Dane Cook (JS) mixes up a bunch of baseball analogies while selling off what remains of his soul to Major League Baseball. "Logical spokesperson," indeed.
"La Rivista Della Televisione": Jon is the latest patsy for Vinnie (BH), who was essentially the same character seen in the "Ohhhh!" sketch from earlier. What makes this different, however, was Vinnie's belated attempt at mastering English, an ad for kid-friendly cigarettes, and an abortive attempt at a sing-along.
WEEKEND UPDATE: WU before the first proper musical performance? What is this, 1997? Tonight, Seth and Amy welcome their new, non-union gag writer (MR) over fears of a possible scribes' strike starting next month. Andy played a naked guy talking on a cell phone (an allusion to some "wacky news" story that made the NY Post last week), while amateur political satirist Nicholas Fehn (FA) is incapable saying anything meaningful. Though this was a marginal improvement over the last couple of weeks, I'm still not feeling anything.
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: Dave Grohl, his band, Pat Smear, a cellist, and some other guy roll through the soaring hit "The Pretender."
"The Captain's Purse": The flighty commander of a spaceship (KW) obsesses over her missing belongings while under attack. Half-hearted in every way possible.
"Actober.com": Second verse, same as the first… but now Dane's promoting the NLCS.
"Notre Dame Football": NBC's sports voiceover guy sarcastically sings the praises of the struggling college pigskin powerhouse. Fancy how those 20-year exclusive TV deals never work out…
"Natural Disaster": Another weak 80s-flashback sketch, with Jon convincing his band-mates to change their group's name to his surname. Some bickering ensues, while I count down the seconds until I can change the channel to the Indians-Bosox game.
"Iconoclasts": For those of you that aren't familiar with this fascinating Sundance Channel series, two famous people with nothing in common spend an afternoon together. This time around, Charles Barkley (KT) and Bjork (KW) have lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, with the hoops great playing straight man to the singer's existential weirdness. Of a night riddled by mistakes and a lack of creativity, we finally see a purely original sketch. I especially loved Bjork's people-are-snowflakes analogy.
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: Jack Nicholson comes out of nowhere to introduce a final song from Bon Jovi, "You Can't Go Home." Where U2's closing performance three years ago was towering and energetic (even a U2-hater can admit that), this particular moment reeked of arrogance.
Overall, tonight's show felt like a weird mix tape, with the proper order of things completely out of whack, with little satisfaction to justify it. To say it was a mess would be justified, marred by repetitive sketch ideas and a pointless cameo by one of our greatest living actors. The funniest sketch of the evening aired in the ten-to-one spot, for Pete's sake. For the two or three people that thought my review of Rogen/Spoon was too lenient, I think we can agree that this broadcast was definitely a stinker.
Sketches/Segments That Will Probably Be Removed from the 60-Minute Edit: both "Actober.com" spots, "The Captain's Purse," "Notre Dame Football," and "Natural Disaster."
In Two Weeks: Following the tradition of Edwin Newman (is he still alive?), NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams hosts with musical guest Feist.
Contact "HelloStuart" at sma17kc@aim.com.moreless