HARDBALL: Chris Matthews talks with Ed Gillespie and Mary Beth Cahill as to cheap, dirty tactics used by Bush and Kerry camps. (Forte, Hammond, Meyers, Parnell)
MONOLOGUE: Jude Law throws the old stereotype of English people being ugly and having bad teeth away and sings along with the female castmembers and Ashlee Simpson. (Law, Simpson, Dratch, Fey, Poehler, Rudolph)
GREEN SCREEN SCENE: Actor is nervous among the lack of scenery and props for a green screened movie set. (Law, Forte, Meyers, Poehler)
THE DYSON TOILET: James Dyson has created a toilet similar to his vacuum cleaners, only using suction. (Armisen)
NINTH PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE: George W. Bush and John Kerry go head-to-head in their ninth debate. (Forte, Meyers, Parnell)
PARIS HILTON APOLOGIZES: Paris Hilton apologizes for using the n-word in her sex tape. (Law, Dratch, Rudolph)
"PIECES OF ME": (Simpson)
WEEKEND UPDATE: The ghost of Babe Ruth appears and explains why he was absent during the Boston Red Sox comeback sweep of the New York Yankees. (Dratch, Fey, Poehler, Sanz)
BUSH & BLAIR PRESS CONFERENCE: Cocky George W. Bush and worrisome British Prime Minister Tony Blair hold a press conference on the Iraq situation. (Law, Armisen, Forte, Mitchell, Poehler, Riggle, Jim Downey(voice))
TRUMP PROMO SHOOT: Ham Donald Trump dresses up as Count Dracula for a promo of The Apprentice and tries to take over. (Hammond, Meyers(voice))
JANE EYRE: Jane Eyre's master repeatedly orders her not to go up into the attic. (Law, Dratch, Rudolph)
ASHLEE SIMPSON: Ashlee Simpson's first song is played over again, thus giving the audience the conclusion that she was lip-synching. (Simpson)
BEAR CITY: Anthropomorphic ursines argue after a car accident and then exchange insurance cards.
THE ADVENTURES OF PETER O'TOOLE & MICHAEL CAINE: Soused Peter O'Toole and Michael Caine are convinced they are hosting a talk show when stumbling into a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell Express. (Law, Dratch, Meyers, Riggle, Thompson)
BEAR CITY: Anthropomorphic ursine is fired after mocking his boss.