Saturday Night Live

Season 31 Episode 14

Matt Dillon/Arctic Monkeys

Aired Saturday 11:30 PM Mar 11, 2006 on NBC

Episode Fan Reviews (4)

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  • A "Crash" Course in Ennui

    A Review by “HelloStuart,” Amateur Critic and Morally Ambiguous Highway Cop

    The recent hype surrounding SNL following the cult success of Andy Samberg’s various digital shorts has consequently led to an increase in media for the show and its swollen cast. Some interviews have been wry and insightful (the four featured players in The Onion AV Club, 3/8/06), while others have been straightforward yet bordering on superfluous (Seth Meyers at, 3/10/06). Both interviews were quite informative, but TV Guide shouldn’t try to be funnier than the comedian they’re conversing with.

    This week’s host is Matt Dillon, the forty-something big-screen heartthrob who made a comeback of sorts with his Oscar-nominated performance in “Crash.” This week’s musical guests are The Arctic Monkeys, the British garage-rock band and alleged saviors of the British power-pop movement. A recent write-up in Time magazine declared them as the next great rock band, and a quick listen to their debut album has me convinced that even though “Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I Am Not” is far from a masterpiece, they’re destined to go places.

    And now, the sketch-by-sketch analysis:

    COLD OPENING: Four college girls (RD, AP, MR, KW) plan out their Spring Break trips in all their druggy, lurid and hedonistic glory with a set of parents within earshot. When you think about it, Chris Parnell and Paula Pell could possibly pass off as Rachel’s parents if she were about ten years younger. Also, I give my regards to the writers for finally making light of the most annoying news story of last year, the search for Natalie Holloway. Seriously, does anyone care besides Greta Van Susteren? (pause) Good, I didn’t think so.

    MONOLOGUE: Johnny Drama’s big brother gloats about his Academy Award nomination, then proceeds to read an unused acceptance speech that pretty much kisses up to all the minorities he potentially offended during the filming of “Crash.” And after that speech, race relations were never an issue again…

    “”: The old cliché of desperate women finding commitment from prison inmates is beaten again for the sake of giving Finesse some much-needed screen time.

    “SportsCenter”: Seth, you do not fool me- your Dan Patrick impression sucked. Either way, this topical sketch (which should’ve been the cold opening, by the way) interrogates Barry Bonds (KT), his trainer-cum-dealer (Matt), and Lou the Seal (AS) in this latest wave of steroid allegations.

    FILM: Seth, Andy, and Jason search for look-alikes while eating lunch, but things turn for the worse when one is apparently confused for a street person (HS). Granted, this was far from being the best Lonely Island piece that has appeared on the show, but at least it wasn’t completely boring.

    “Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency”: Remember what I said in my review of Black/Young? Well, my assumption was correct, because the A-Holes are back, and now they’re irking a mild-mannered travel agent (Matt). Sadly, it appears that they’ve already become one-joke characters, of which SNL has a bountiful supply.

    “How to Order Sushi Like a CEO”: A self-absorbed blowhard in a suit (Matt) shows you the proper way to consume Japanese cuisine, though more than meets the eye. Maya is wasted in a supporting role as the waitress, but overall this was an example of taking a risk and not succeeding.

    “JJ Casuals”: Before “Lazy Sunday” saved the day, Andy’s impression of Jack Johnson seemed to be his only claim to fame. Watching an ad spoof that already appeared earlier in the season tends to put weird little factoids like that into context.

    “Joplin: Alive! Podcast”: Live from a Bennigan’s in southwestern Missouri, two locals host an internet talk show with topics ranging from ditzy ex-girlfriends to community events, all the while subconsciously mocking the banality of life in a small, rural city off I-44. How can you tell? Their one guest is a local (AS) who speaks with a bad French accent and openly expresses a desire to “party with party girls.” In other words, this was funny for its texture and characterization, and not for the laugh-out-loud moments that isn’t always necessary.

    MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: The influence of Oasis and The Strokes is very obvious in the Monkeys’ first American single, “I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor.”

    WEEKEND UPDATE: This must the first time in recorded history that anyone (and I mean anyone) has ever made a joke about Major League Soccer, or for that matter, the New Jersey Metrostars. So what if Amy’s gag bombed, at least someone reads the next-to-last page of the sports section. As for Update, it was your typical hit-and-miss affair; Tina’s joke about American soldiers going AWOL in Iraq being a much-needed “exit strategy” will probably be quoted ad nauseum by the media for the next week; a commentary by Horatio as an Arab spokesperson in the port protection controversy skimmed the issue to focus on dated pop culture clichés; Will Forte’s “picto-songo-gram” about Iraq’s divided populous was equally simplistic and delirious.

    “Vincent Price’s St. Patrick Day’s Special”: In the latest artifact from the TV Land treasure troves, the King of the Grand Guignol (BH) puts up with a one-sided conversation with Katherine Hepburn (KW) before being dressed down by Rod Serling (Matt) in a forgotten TV special. Oh, and for whatever reason Don Knotts (DH) yuks it up too.

    “Inner Harmony”: A recording session for a mediation CD is hampered when one of the voiceover artists (Matt) is incapable of speaking in a soothing manner. It’s tough to say what hurt this sketch most- the tepid writing, the lack of response from the audience, or Dillon’s unfunny, dragged-out mea culpa.

    “Appalachian Emergency Room”: More redneck-stereotyping hijinks, including Mrs. Denmont’s (MR) desire to “tighten her baby hole.” Though the cameos from Neil Young and Johnny Knoxville made it a bit more digestible last time around, this sketch has been officially overheated one too many times.

    MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: No aping around these parts- the sons of Sheffield play the album track “A Certain Romance” before trashing their instruments and nonchalantly walking offstage.

    “DeCicco Brothers’ Unicornery”: Apparently, horse-like mythical creatures are now being sold on retail in Passaic, New Jersey. I can hear it now: “Hey ma, I’m headin’ to da WaWa, then pickin’ up a unicorn and a six-pack of Ballantine. Jeet yet?” Not to stereotype, of course.

    In spite of a slight improvement over the unevenness of the Portman/FOB broadcast, we now see SNL going into its annual midseason lull. After taking a backseat to the Samberg’s “Lazy Sunday” hype, Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig moved toward front and center to become the MVPs of tonight’s broadcast; their performances alone in the “Vincent Price” sketch seemed to have a rapport not unlike Will Ferrell and Ana Gasteyer nearly ten years ago. Matt Dillon proved to be another “fun” host though he did battle a certain deer-in-the-headlights awkwardness at various points in the broadcast. Also, did the Arctic Monkeys seem a little stiff, or did they simply not care about where they were tonight?

    Sketches That Will Probably Be Removed in Repeats: “How to Order Sushi Like a CEO,” “JJ Casuals,” Farhad Nsar’s commentary on Weekend Update, “Inner Harmony,” and “DeCicco Brothers’ Unicornery.”

    In Four Weeks: Yeah, you heard me- another four-week layover, all because NBC cancelled the March 18th broadcast under unknown circumstances. Anyhoo, on April 8th Antonio Banderas hosts with the musical guest not yet determined.

    The writer known as “HelloStuart” is a junior at Illinois State University. Feel free to PM him or leave him a message at
  • Disappointing....

    1st let me start off by saying that I was shocked to see Matt Dillon the show. I thought Matt Dillon was Matt Damon!!! Enough about me being stupidly dumb. The opening skit was very well written. Lots of funny jokes dealing with Spring Break. Matt’s Monologue was over his role as a racist cop in the great film “Crash”. He basically was being racist throughout this. It was funny but not that funny.
    Then we got a commercial for prison It was boring just like the other recent commercials. The Sportscenter skit was also boring. Same thing over and over again. Then we got the doppleanger short. This had to be the funniest thing of the night. Horatio did great as a hobo. The next skit was the Two A- Holes … it was a bit bland and unfunny. “How to Order Sushi like a CEO” was only funny because of Maya. She made great facial remarks. J.J. Casuals was boring and stupid. Joplin Alive was somewhat funny. But anything somewhat funny during this episode was excellent.
    Arctic Monkeys performed. They were horrible and drunk. Weekend Update was new and fresh. Will did a good job during his singing thingy. The Inner Harmony Tape was predictable and unfunny. Appalachian ER was boring again.
  • Lose the award of awards and throw your guitar outta spite. Yes, once again, it's that time of Saturday night.

    This week on Saturday Night Live, we see screen star and Oscar nominee Matt Dillon with newbie musical artist Arctic Monkeys. Unlike last week’s show, I am not a fan of either. But, like always, I had an open mind. And, I do look forward to SNL more now. And that reason was on the show a bit tonight. So, time to start the analysis.

    This week’s host is, like I said, Oscar nominated Matt Dillon, who might not have won Best Supporting, but was in the winning movie. His monologue was a take-off of said movie, “Crash,” (also the name of my fav Gwen Stefani song), in which he stereotyped every race imaginable. He apologized for not being able to tell the Asians apart, was amazed with the Hispanics work-effort, thanked Terrence Howard, and apologized for not seeing the “pimp movie,” congratulated Ludacris for playing a gansta, which was such a stretch for him, and thanked his mom, who drinks and has 16 kids. Also he thanked the Arab family, who were really very nice. Plus, he thanked the Jews, who ran mostly all of the business. That was his best bit of the night. As a host, he was easily described as average. He was okay in his skits. I don’t recall him missing any of his lines. I do not see him returning. But the monologue was great! C+

    The musical guest this week is British rock group Arctic Monkeys. They are a smash hit in the good ol’ UK, but here, they are just starting out here. They have sold better, over there that is, than Coldplay. In fact, they are the best selling new band over there. But like I said, that doesn’t mean anything here. The first song they did, “I Bet You Look Good On the Dance Floor,” was pretty good. I could kind of, in a way, get into it. The second one, “A Certain Romance,” was pretty boring. I was just waiting for the lyrics to start up. Apparently, at the end of the song, some dude in the audience yawned, causing the singer, whatever his name is, to say in fact, “That guy just yawned.” So the guitarist threw his guitar, and they just walked off stage, which left me puzzled, until I discovered the reason why. I thought it was rude at first, considering that they should bow. Then I thought that after finding out why, the guy in the audience could have been tired. It was almost 1 AM. Actually, when the guy threw his guitar, I thought it was just copying Petey of FOB throwing his bass into the drums last week. Guess now. Arctic Monkeys are an okay band I guess. They aren’t what I listen too, and they can’t touch the performance from FOB last week. C-

    The SKITS:

    Cold Opening: Spring Break ’06 – This is the pretty clever skit about college girls who get all naughty on Spring Break. I liked the ending of it when we discovered that the middle aged adults are really Maya’s parents. And she is getting all dirty with friends Amy, Rachel and Kristen in front of them. The skit ended with Finesse announcing the flight to Cancun. Glad he was in. B- – Need help finding a man, ladies? Well, here is the service for you. Sure, they might be convicted criminals, but they will be available in 5 – 10. And maybe some aren’t even guilty. Well, maybe that guy in the Hannibal mask was. That was funny. I was glad to see Finesse in the skit. It was very funny. A-

    SportsCenter – Ooh, Finesse again, as Stuart Scott. And I know that name from the I Love the . . . series. In this Barry Bonds, his manager, and the mascot deny steroids use. I was a bit upset that they put Andy in that costume. I wouldn’t mind seeing him, ya know. It was pretty good. B-

    Short Film: Lookalikes – So, here, is 2 guys, Seth, Andy, and Will, trying to find their doppelgangers. They find success, until it comes to Andy, and they say he looks like a loser homeless guy, played by Horatio. Now, I thought it was rude to say that Andy looks like HIM. But the worse of it was when they shot Andy for Horatio, and then later realized they were wrong. Oh My GOD, THEY KILLED ANDY!!! My reaction, No, not Andy!!! How dare they kill him!!! (It’s a joke, not taking it seriously. But I was mad they killed him, especially for Ho) It wasn’t as good as last week’s, “The Real Natalie,” but I enjoyed it, until the end. A-

    Two A-Holes At A Travel Agency – I liked it better than the first time, which on Jack Black’s episode, they tried to find a X-mas tree. Here, they try to go on a trip, but can’t deicide. Kristen is willing to take a trip to an air plane. She then decided she wants to head to Europe. It was funny at parts. B+

    How To Order Sushi Like A CEO - What restuarant was this, because the a-hole ordering got his food right after he ordered, even with the annoyed waitress. Dillon plays some CEO I guess teaching people how to "properly" order sushi. I loved when he spit the uni out. Maya was the waitress, BTW. Not a bad skit. It had funny parts. B+

    JJ Casuals – Last time I had no idea what it was about. I didn’t remember it. Well, I got it now. Andy plays Jack Johnson, selling shoes that look like feet. So, I realized where the JJ came from. Andy looked strange with the short hair. I prefer him with the shaggy hair. More becoming. I was glad I could see this again. B+

    Joplin: Alive Podcast – Nerd who have a show on the Internet. How original! Next they’ll say nerds can form their own bands. Wait, they have already? Well, now I’ve heard everything! Well, nerds have their own Podcast. And that will so be a word by the end of this year, if it ain’t already. Anyway, this skit has Bill and Jason have their own show, and it is at a restaurant. And Jason’s girlfriend, played by Kristen, makes a few appearances. Andy plays some friend with a French accent who wants to hang with party girls, meaning he should find the chicks from the cold opening. His accent was bad, but his character was pretty goods. I think that was supposed to be played by Dillon originally. I liked the people walking in front of their camera, and how they were a bit annoyed. Everyone in this skit was a total nerd, but I guess I did like it. B-

    Vincent Price’s St. Patrick’s Day Special – Man, the original version of this skit was so f***in hilarious! That was my fav skit of the season. This time, it was good, but not as good as the Thanksgiving Special. Here, there were appearances by Katherine Hepburn, who continuously talked about her aviation skills. And this was after she dated Howard Hughes. I saw a resemblance between last time when it was Judy Garland asked, “Did you ever get the feeling your hands were made of sand?” and Price asked if that was part of the play, or if she was really asking him that, and Ms. Hepburn asking questions, and Vincent not knowing whether to respond, as if he could get a word in edgewise. We also saw an appearance from the late, great Don Knotts, Darrell, and Ron Serling, Matt, the man behind The Twilight Zone, making Vincent ask why he has not yet been on the show. Like I said, good, but not as good as the original. B-

    Appalachian Emergency Room – Same as always: hillbillies seeking medical attention for very strange injuries. It never really changes. Annoying. This was pry the worst skit of the night. C-

    Decicco Brothers Unicornery - Well, here are two Jersey guys selling unicorns. I recall seeing a McDonald’s skit, and if I am correct, Andy was playing Ronald. They cut that for this crap?! That could have been worse then this mostly. Well, I disagree. It had Andy in it, course, in a costume. He was in the costume at the good byes. Believe me, I scope the crowd for him. Did that last week for him and Patrick. Both were in the back. The unicorns were cute in this, mostly that lil one. Why are little things so adorable? The rest was a waste. C-

    BEST MOMENT: Andy, Bill, and Finesse were in a lot more than usual. And I gotta love that. But the best moment was the monologue, which was the funniest moment of the night.

    WORST MOMENT: Dude, they killed Andy in a skit. That ain’t right. Plus, in the other skits he was in, he was in costume. Couldn’t see him well. Worst moment was killing Andy. I also give mention to The hillbilly hospital, and Jersey Unicorn salesmen.

    SURPRISING MOMENT: With all the hype, shouldn’t the Arctic Monkeys be a bit more exciting. I was surprised to see them walk off the stage. They took the yawn hard. And throwing the guitar just wasn’t right, unless it is part of your act. Get over it AM. Just cause England is crazy bout ya doesn’t mean we will be too. (Remember, we are Americans. We are immature bastards. ;) Keep telling yourselves that, and it’ll get better.)


    RATING – 6.5/10 Sparkling Diamonds

    Next week is the rerun with Alec Baldwin, and my favorite singer Shakira. It’s either watching this rerun, or something I really wanna see on MTV. I’ll record the thing on MTV, cause that way I can keep it. I’ll be glad to see Shakira live, though no matter how much of a fan I might be of anyone, artists always seem to sound better on the CD. Special equipment in the studio, ya know.

    Next new episode is Antonio Banderas and an unknown musical guest. I have no hopes for musical guests yet, though I wouldn’t mind seeing Panic! At The Disco on SNL for some reason. The got Arctic Monkeys, they can get Panic! Good songs. Better than AM.
  • A few highlights but not much...

    Over the past weekend, actor Matt Dillon of Crash hosted Saturday Night Live with musical guest, the Arctic Monkeys. After the last show with Natalie Portman and a depressing loss by the Wildcats, I was really looking forward to the show.

    Cold Opening: With my spring break ending and many beginning this past weekend, SNL went with a spring break-oriented sketch with Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch and Kristen Wiig as students on spring break. Chris Parnell and Paula Pell play the parents of one of them. One reference to Natalee Holloway, who is still missing and assumed dead, appeared in this sketch. Live from New York, it's Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, Kristen Wiig, Chris Parnell and Paula Pell.

    Monologue: Matt Dillon delivers the speech he had wanted to deliver at the Academy Award Ceremony. He sucks up to all the races he offended while filming Crash. This commercial was for all those desperate women seeking love only to find it at prison cells and giving Finesse Mitchell some screen time. Rachel Dratch and Amy Poehler were also in this sketch.

    SportsCenter - Dan Patrick (Seth Meyers) and Stuart Scott (Finesse Mitchell) host an episode of SportsCenter dealing with Barry Bonds. I listen to a lot of ESPN Radio and Seth Meyers needs to work on his impression of Dan Patrick. Kenan Thompson plays a steroid-using Barry Bonds with Matt Dillon as his trainer, Greg Anderson. Don't forget Lou the Seal (Andy Samberg) who was also on steroids.

    Digital Short (Look-a-likes): This digital short has Seth, Andy, and Will Forte looking for look-a-likes during their lunch hour. Horatio Sanz plays some random guy on the street that Seth and Will think is Andy. Will ends up shooting Andy. Am I the only one upset that Andy was killed off in this short?

    Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency: I thought we would see these two again after they made their debut on December 17, 2005, when Jack Black hosted with Neil Young. SNL was wise to give them recurring characters. I enjoyed this sketch the first time and I enjoyed it last night. Matt Dillon plays a travel agent. And one of the A-holes wants to drive to Europe.

    How to Order Sushi Like a CEO: Matt Dillon plays a CEO who writes a book named "How to Order Sushi Like a CEO." The waitress, Maya, seemed very unamused with the CEO.

    JJ Casuals: A rerun from early on in the season with Andy Samberg as Jack Johnson.

    Joplin: Alive! Podcast: I think this will be a recurring sketch for Jason Sudeikis and Bill Hader. It reminds me of Jarett's room or the radio show that Jimmy Fallon hosted while he was on the show. The debut sees Jason and Bill at a Bennigan's in Joplin, Missouri. One guest gets the ladies with his French accent. That was either Matt Dillon or Andy Samberg.

    Arctic Monkeys sing "I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor."

    Weekend Update: MetroStar jokes, Horation Sanz is an Arab spokesman, Will Forte sings about Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds.

    Vincent Price’s St. Patrick Day’s Special: Bill Hader is Vincent Price. Kristen is Katherine Hepburn. I've noticed that Darrell does impersonations the most of the guys and we're seeing the same from Kristen when dealing with the females. Dillon is very impressive as Twilight Zone creator Rod Sterling. They paid tribute to Don Knotts as Barney Fife as well and Darrell Hammond does a good job of that.

    Inner Harmony: This sketch had Maya, Fred Armisen, and Matt Dillon recording a meditation CD. The director was either Jason or Seth. While everyone was soft, Matt was the loudest.

    Appalachian Emergency Room: The usuals...Seth, Parnell, Hammond, Amy, Maya, Kenan, and Matt.

    Arctic Monkeys sing "A Certain Romance." While they have sold more albums then Coldplay and are going places, I really did not enjoy their songs this time around. Don't expect me at their concert anytime soon though as they yelled "That man just yawned!" I will give them a second chance though.

    DeCicco Brothers’ Unicornery: Bill Hader and Matt Dillon try and sale unicorns.

    SNL returns on April 8th with Antonio Banderas with a musical guest to be named later. My guess is that there will not be a show the week later due to the Jewish holiday of Pesach
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