Capitalized words = taped segments.
A Non-Partisan Message from Governor Palin and Senator Clinton: Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) happily announces her look-out for sexist behavior, while a tense and bitter Hillary Clinton complains about double-standards.
Monologue: Michael Phelps is offered an advertisement campaign by a "My First Meth Lab" consultant (Forte) and given advice by William Shatner. Meanwhile, Michael's mom (Poehler) visibly supports him in the audience with Michael's real mom.
Quiz Bowl: Three dull public school kids (Wilson, Moynihan, Thompson) versus three socially-challenged home-schooled kids (Poehler, Phelps, Forte) and their crazy mom (Wiig) in a scholastic game show.
JAR GLOVE: Instead of murder, arrest, escape, and struggle, a home wife (Wiig) uses a glove to make opening a jar of peanut butter easier.
Dancing Coach: A overly supportive coach (Forte) tries to help his players out (Thompson, Moynihan, Samberg, Sudeikis, Armisen) while the team captain (Phelps) helps him dance to get the excitement started up.
Stacia & Craig: While brother Jeremy is on vacation, socially awkward and annoying cousin Craig (Phelps) helps out socially awkward and annoying Stacia (Wiig) annoy the house guests (Wilson, Moynihan, Samberg, Thompson) while their parents (Poehler, Hader) watch with love.
Musical Performance: Lil' Wayne performs "Got Money".
Weekend Update: Amy & Seth co-anchor. Guests are comic strip Cathy (Samberg), Alaska Pete (Forte), & Nicholas Fehn (Armisen).
The Charles Barkley Show: In order to pay back Vegas, Charles Barkley (Thompson) has guests Michael Phelps, and Bela Karolyi (Hammond).
T-Mobile Fav Five: While in a casual family conversation, the teenage daughter (Wilson) talks about which friends she has in her T-Mobile plans, while her older brother (Phelps) comments on their looks. When their father (Sudeikis) joins in on their looks, their mother (Wiig) turns it into a possible divorce case.
SNL DIGITAL SHORT: SPACE OLYMPICS: A spaceman in 3022 (Samberg) has the Olympics, but everything goes wrong.
Uno Pizzaria: Mark Payne (Moynihan) annoys his customers (Poehler, Phelps) while asking if it smells like pepper in the restaurant.
Musical Performance: Lil' Wayne performs "Lollipop".
Michael Phelps Diet: Michael Phelps shows us the 12,000 calorie diet, which will guarantee weight change to esteemed customers (Wilson, Forte, Poehler, Hader, Wiig), with no support from Subway's Jared Fogel.